11 weeks

First day of work.  My fashion theme for my new office?  Hide the bump.

This evening.  I meant to take this at the start of the day, before I looked so haggard.  But as you can see...

I started this last week.  I'm going to try to keep it going every week, but I'm not going to answer every question every week, because frankly, sometimes there's nothing to say.

Due Date: 1 August by my calculations.  When the doc took out his little wheel he said 3 August.  I think 1 August is more accurate.

Weight Gain:  5 lbs  I have really, truly been doing everything right.  I've been eating better than before I got pregnant and have been exercising.  Still, I'm gaining weight more rapidly than I should be.  I'm starting to think this is my pregnancy destiny.  Last time I gained so much and was so uncomfortable I swore not to repeat my mistake.  So far, same path.

Symptoms:  Most mornings I dry heave for a bit.  MJ often runs to get me Ritz crackers.  My child is so sweet (and she sees it as an excuse to eat crackers for breakfast.)  As for the fatigue, I have discovered that if I get a solid 9 hours of sleep I do pretty well.  That, and if I don't try to spike my coffee with decaf for the day. 

Diet/Cravings/Aversions:   Love: pizza.  I'm pretty much finding that anything my toddler loves I also love.

I am loving:  A dear friend of mine just had her baby on Monday.  We were both trying to get pregnant at the same time and both faced difficulties (of different sorts).  I often felt she was the only one I could talk to about things, and I'm so happy for her.  I also find myself very happy that I didn't get pregnant then, and still have several more months to enjoy my only child.

I am looking forward to:  Meeting a potential doula in a couple weeks.  I don't know whether or not we'll feel that she is the "one", but she's a blog friend and it's always exciting to meet blog friends in real life.

 

I'm spazzing about:  Adjusting to being a working mom again.  While I've been a working mom, of varying sorts, since MJ was born, this is the first time I feel like the average joe.  I work in an office building.  I can no longer just wear t-shirts.  I have to fill out a time-card.  Etc.  As someone who has had a flexible work arrangement for a very long time, it is a weird thing to adjust to. 

Best thing about this week:  All the well wishes sent my way for this new job were amazing.  It really makes a girl feel loved.  So far the job is going well, but it's all very new.  Lots of background reading, papers and what-not, which is interesting but a bit dry.  I think it will start to pick up soon.  It's been very nice to use my science brain again, though, and to actually have adult conversations.  I feel like I'm starting to get my person-hood back, rather than just being a wife and a mother.

Milestones/Progress:  Apparently the size of a lime.  Sounds kind of big.

Movement:  I'm really starting to think I've been feeling movement.  Nothing substantial, but something that can't be described in any other way.  Last time around I had similar feelings and wondered, and then was finally convinced at about 13 weeks.  In retrospect, those earlier feelings were movement, and this time around I feel more comfortable calling it that.  I know it's early, though, and many people are skeptical of feeling movement this early.

It's a...: baby!

Exercise: Still using the treadmill.  We also had beautiful weather here this week, so lots of walks.   I can already tell how much less activity I get sitting in an office all day than chasing a toddler, so I've tried some lunch time walks.  But the area my office is in isn't... picturesque.  Not a great place to be going for walks.

My firstborn:  Adjusting very well to being back at daycare full time.  In fact, she seems to love it.  She's been napping better, and for that matter sleeping perfectly (8 pm to 7:30 am!!), all of which I attribute to weaning her from the bottle.  She didn't have it at daycare and was therefore not napping well there, and she would lose it at night and kept waking up.  So we took it, cold turkey.  She got up very early for a couple weeks but then adjusted. 

10 weeks

Due Date: 1 August by my calculations.  When the doc took out his little wheel he said 3 August.  I think 1 August is more accurate.

Weight Gain:  4 lbs


Symptoms:  Tired.  All the time.  The morning sickness has mostly passed. I have a few mornings that it's appears before I've eaten, but food is finally starting to taste good again.

What's different this time:  I don't remember being this tired last time.  I didn't have to take Progesterone, which was nice.
 
Diet/Cravings/Aversions:  Carrots, maybe?  Actually, it's probably the ranch dressing I eat with them that I've been craving.  Aversions: anything slightly ethnic.  Pretty vanilla food in these parts.

Sleep:   Good when I can get it.  But toddlers never sleep in.
 
I am loving: I took out the maternity clothes this week, and feel much better.  My belly was awfully squished.  But gosh, I forgot how scary some maternity clothes can be, particularly the ones that are the only things that fit in late pregnancy.  Also, yesterday during breakfast, MJ patted my belly and said "Baby.  Baby in mommy's belly."  That was pretty cute.
 
I miss:  Lunch meat.  A simple turkey sandwich sounds superb.
 
I am looking forward to:  Movement, I think.  But mostly this time I'm just trying to appreciate where I'm at, because I remember how tough it got for me later in pregnancy last time.  Also, looking forward to starting to work, sort of.

 
I'm spazzing about: Hmm, nothing.  I feel like I've mostly passed the high risk miscarriage phase.  Oh, I did spazz about labor the other day... but then put it out of my mind.

Best thing about this week:  Yesterday was my last day of Progesterone! 

Milestones/Progress:  Baby is now a fetus!  Sounds grosser than being an embryo, though.  Also, busting out all the maternity clothes.  And being asked if I was pregnant, that's a first so far.

Movement:   Phantom movements, even though I know it's too early.
 
It's a...: baby!

Exercise: For DH's birthday I got him a treadmill, which is now inhabiting our basement.  I thought it was ridiculous and would never get used, but I actually love it.  I've been able to do some light jogging while MJ sleeps and watch cheesy romantic comedies at the same time.  Feeling much better, and I hope to keep this habit up.

Since everyone in the real world can apparently tell...

Big strike out for the daily posts over here.  I guess I increased my post numbers, but failed at my goal.  I think next time I'll aim for every other day, and just not tell y'all.  So if I succeed, I can just say "Hey, look at that!" and if I fail I won't have to draw attention to it.  Maybe December wasn't the best month as well, what with Christmas and all.

Anyway, on to the obligatory-blogger-year-in-review.  And the BIG REVEAL.

Notice anything different?  The hair is notable.  The rest is harder to capture in a picture.  As DH put it, she now gets interested in things.  Last year at this time, she had two primary interests: eating, and running.  Now she will actually sit for (short) periods of time and focus on things. Communication is the other biggie.  We have full conversations, sometimes about abstract concepts like "air" and "boys vs girls".  And she seems to get it. 

As for our year, it's been a big one.  Last year at this time we were debating where to live.  Even as far as what city we wanted to end up in.  We were convinced we would get pregnant any day and need a bigger house (hah!) and started the search.  We are now settled in that house, in a wonderful neighborhood with wonderful neighbors.  DH started his real job, after (only) 12 years of school and training.  I quit my PhD, a very scary move but an ultimately wonderful move.

And we ended the year expecting a new kiddo in August.  Yep.  I've been meaning to tell you all, but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  We've had a few ultrasounds, everything has been measuring well.  The morning sickness has been uncomfortable but not crippling.  We've told many people in our day-to-day lives, but the fear of miscarriage still lingered (and still does, really).  But I'll be 10 weeks in a few days, and was called out at a party last night.

We went to our neighbor's house for New Year's Eve, which turned out to be wonderful.  Although all of our new neighbor's have been wonderful, there is really only one we've gotten to know well (and not the one having the party).  So we didn't know what to expect, but it was perfect.  Lots of little kids for MJ to play with, actual adults to talk to, and just good people. 

At any rate, one of my neighbor's came up and asked "Is there any news that you're thinking about sharing?  About...." then she got a terrified look on her face that perhaps she'd been too presumptuous.  After all, you're never supposed to ask women if they're pregnant.  But, we assuaged her fears, and I came to realize that I am already starting to look pregnant.

Which will be interesting when I show up at my new job, a week from Monday.  The timing is not exactly what we aimed for, but life doesn't like to work according to plans. 

More on Mom groups

Erin's comment (below) on Mom's groups reminded me of my own conclusions.  I'll share them with you here.  Because I've been to about 10 of them, so that certainly makes me an authority.

After reading the Bloggess's post I remembered that, among the reasons I will never be a great blogger, is that I'm always afraid of offending the people that read my blog.  In some sense, I miss the days when it was anonymous, because I felt I could say anything I want.  Now, most my reader's are friends or family in real life, so I need to be a little less of an a$$hole.  Oh, and there's also the issue of needing to be a much better writer, but I'm sure that comes easy once you get the friend thing figured out.

Regardless, some of the things I've learned about mom's groups are:

1)  If they sound offensive and smug in their online description (because that's how these things are organized these days), then they are probably worth getting to know.  By worth getting to know, I mean they probably serve martini's at their playdates.

2)  If they sound inclusive and kind, they are probably as dry as paint and hold their meetups at McDonalds.

3)  There is apparently no middle ground between suburban housewives who are afraid of driving into the big city because they don't know how to parallel park and smug city dwellers who won't allow their children to eat goldfish at your playdate but will allow them to eat Annie's organic cheddar bunnies.

4)  I can't relate to groups of women where people are deeply stressed about the cost of diapers.  Either use cloth (cheaper!) or don't complain.

5) I really don't know what to talk to other mothers about. If your whole day is your kid and your home, is that what we're supposed to talk about? Because, much as I love talking about my kid, it gets kind of old. I have no cleaning tips to share and don't really want to know where the latest sales are, so I'm sort of at a loss.
6)  MJ terrifies many parents.  I think she's my litmus test.  If they can't handle the crazy that is my child then they probably can't handle the crazy that is me.

7)  The whole time I've been writing this post, Ive been picking knots out of my hair.  Literally, knots.  Because tonight I have to go to a fancy dress party and schmooze with husband's colleagues and not get too drunk and embarrass him.  So the way I prepare to get ready for a big fancy night?  Pick knots out of my hair.  Let's face it, this is the real reason I have not had success at mom groups.

Head full of crazy

I spend a lot of time in my head.  Although I work half time, I spend only one day a week in an office, and the rest of the time I either work from home or am with MJ.  And since DH works a lot of nights and weekends, that means lots of one on one time with a toddler.

Particularly at the end of a day where it's just been me and her all day, I start to feel like I'm losing touch with reality.  Talking to a toddler is much like talking to a crazy person.  Part of what they say makes sense, but you have to wade through piles of non-sensical blather and barely understandable ranting to get to it.  I usually don't even realize I'm losing touch until I have a real interaction with a real person.  By real person, I mean adult.  And then the non-craziness of talking to a logical human being reminds me how crammed full of crazy my head is.

This is among the reasons that I think going back to work will be a good thing for me.  The lack of interaction is isolating.  I tried for a while to meet mom's at meetups, and I met some great ladies that way.  But even then you can't REALLY have meaningful conversations, because you're constantly being interrupted by TODDLER CRAZY and trying to make sure there is no destruction happening.  And I find, in the end, that I identify more with working moms.  I can't get over the "is this all there is?" feeling of watching a toddler all the time.  I love it, I just need something more. 

Lately, I've been having a lot of too-much-toddler-slowly-going-crazy time.  I look forward to the holidays, and family, and some more people around to share the crazy.

MJ's bucket list

MJ wants to do everything.  She wants to go into every house we pass on the street.  And drive down every street we pass in the car.  The only way we can allay these desires is to tell her that "someday" we will.  And then hope that "someday" she forgets about the fact that we told her she can go into mansions she has no business going in.

So her bucket list is quickly growing, and it just sounds so mournful sometimes.  Every day that I take her to daycare we drive over a freeway overpass.  She is very excited about going up and down hills (poor Minnesota girl, that doesn't happen much here), so she looks down at the cars on the freeway and says

"Someday.... I want to go down there..."

Cute-isms

Alternate title:  2 years and 3 months
Alternate alternate title:  I suck at daily blogging.

I've been talking a lot about me lately.  And since this blog is my drama, not MJ's drama, I'm okay with that.  But I really love looking back to read what she was doing at various points and need to maintain some foresight.

In short, there's is nothing she's not doing.  (Other than peeing on the potty.)  The child talks up a storm.  She sings songs to herself in the back seat that are so loud we can hardly hear our conversation in the front seat.  It no longer matters if DH and I have anything to talk about at dinner, because she keeps the conversation going.

She attacks people with chapstick, irregardless of need or desire.

She continues to increase the number of babies she looks after at once.  She discovered that she can put them all on a food tray and therefore carry them together.  This way, she can put 8 babies (of various stuffed natures) to bed and then carry them around.

I have to get used to, and learn to appreciate, her independence.  She's happy to get her own water these days, but it often involves about 6 ice cubes, and water in the bathroom (because that's the sink she can reach).  Both of these irk me, but really, I should just be glad she can start to look after herself.  She wants to learn to dress herself, which is a good thing.  I have to learn to relinquish control.

Other isms?

Yesterday she asked for a bottle of cheese.

She has started to call DH by name.  I'm not sure what prompted that.

Her and Vito fight like siblings.  They steal each others toys, and wrestle, and when he does something she doesn't like she comes whining to me, asking me to fix it.

She climbs, or tries to climb, EVERYTHING.  Really, everything.   Including the wall and the standing mirror.

She negotiates.  She asks for something, like a snack.  We say no.  So she asks again, and says "Okay?  Okay?  Okay?" ad infinitum.  If we say "no", she just interrupts us with "Okay?"  I can tell that, had she the words, this is where she would be inserting every reason she can think of why we should agree.  But, at 2, her sole negotiating tool is "Okay?"

A cloth diapering veteran?

We have now been through every stage of diapering.  Itty-bitty newborn, crawling, walking, and toddlerhood.  Although there are certainly many with more experience than me, I do feel like a veteran.  I feel like we've been through it all.

In actuality, we stopped cloth diapering about 9 months ago, then started again about a month-and-a-half-ago.  We stopped because MJ was getting HORRIBLE diaper rashes.  It was clearly so painful for her.  I did everything I could think of; I stripped the diapers, I tried new detergents, I tried new creams.  We found that the only creams that helped were absolutely not cloth diaper friendly.  After all, good diaper creams repel water, which is exactly what you don't want your cloth diapers to do.  So we stopped.

After I stopped working full time, I thought I should try cloth diapers again.  I figured if I just changed them a lot we'd be fine, because the wetness wouldn't be sitting against her skin.  But then we moved houses.  And then we unpacked, and I didn't even know where they were.  And then I didn't want to figure out how to wash them in our new high-efficiency washer.  And then I figured she'd be potty trained any day, so why bother?  See how good I am at coming up with excuses? 

When it became clear she would NOT be quick to potty train (the novelty wore off and she was no longer interested....*sigh*) I dug out our cloth, thinking this would help her learn more quickly.  While it hasn't sped the potty training process, it is nice to be back in cloth.  It has been easy to wash them in the new washer, and it turns out that she hasn't been getting any rashes.  The problem, I think, was daycare.  They didn't mind doing cloth, I just don't think they were changing her fast enough; they were used to kids in disposables, which absorb more and don't sit against their skin. 

So now we have a mixture.  She does disposables at daycare and at night.  And whenever DH doesn't feel like dealing with cloth.  And cloth the rest of the time.  I wash them every few days.  And I don't stress if we have to use disposables because I didn't get them all washed in time.  We are using fewer disposables (probably 1/4 as many), producing less trash, and the smell in her room is noticeably improved.

I have several friends who have chosen to go the diaper service route, and, in the end, I'm so glad that we didn't.  It's nice to be able to go back and forth to cloth when we want.  It's nice to be able to use a mixture of cloth and disposables, which isn't economically justifiable with a diaper service.  And once you have your diapers, there's really no more expenses (other than detergent).  I won't need any more diapers, for this kid or the next, and I've already spent much less than I would have had we gone the diaper service route.  

It's official.

I'm taking a new job.  Starts 9 January.  75% time.  I'm a little disappointed with the pay, but in all other aspects it sounds perfect.  I have to remind myself, though, that my current "hourly" rate is not legitimate, because I have to spend so much additional time prepping and grading.  So supposing that this job doesn't have outside time commitments, and supposing I actually really enjoy it, then it will be worth it.

Now I want my current job to be finished, so I can get some other things in my life done before starting back to more hours.  The list of things I'd like to accomplish?

1)  A bed frame for our bed
2)  Pictures on the walls
3)  Boxes in the basement finally unpacked.
4)  There's some other things, but I'll spare you the details for the time being.

I can't decide if I'm looking forward to actually having to look presentable or not.  If someone could just make me magically look presentable, and I have an excuse to not be wearing yoga pants all day, then that sounds good.  But getting up and actually looking professional every day?  Sounds a little bit much. 

As if to encourage my decision to work more, MJ has been a total terror lately.  Constant challenge to authority, constant defiance, and sometimes just downright nasty.  I think a little more time apart will do us both some good.

Wither goeth the bottle?

Mj is about 2 years and 3 months of age.  And she still uses a bottle.

I feel like this is confessional.  And that I'm getting many a side eye.

She falls asleep with her bottle every night.  And for every nap.

More side eye.  Tooth decay!  Oh my!

In truth, she falls asleep with a bottle of water.  So no tooth decay.  She started doing this a very long time ago (in toddler time; maybe at about 7 months of age?)  She no longer wanted her pacifier, just her bottle.  And with it she slept.  So we ran with it.

But for how long?  Every night I ask myself this question.  But she NEEDS that bottle.  It soothes her.  It calms her.

But it rolls out of her bed now, sometimes a couple times a night (and sometimes not at all).  So I would really like it to be gone.  Or at least, replaced by something that doesn't fall out of bed.  Though, on the upside, I can hear the loud THUMP when it hits the floor, indicating it is time to go root around in the dark until I find it.

Why aren't there manuals for these children?  Much as I begroan the automated help line you get when calling some companies, I would really love one of those for children.

But goodness is she a strong willed child.  I KNOW this would be a huge battle.  Is it worth it?  To remove something we know soothes her and makes for easy bedtimes?

(Only 4 days in and already a day behind.  I was never good at doing anything cold turkey, always much better at the gradual approach, so starting daily blogging cold turkey may have been a little much.)

10 years.....

So the hubs turns 31 today.  I did the same thing a few weeks back.  Although neither of us can quite pinpoint when, exactly, we started dating, we know that we were definitely dating for our 21st birthdays.  Which means we've been together for 10 years (except for that time, in the midst of dating long distance, when we decided to "see other people").  It's really, really hard to believe.

I can say, without a doubt, 100%, that it's been wonderful.  Perhaps not every moment of every day, but the sum total has been exactly what I hoped it'd be.  Your humor and loyalty have helped get us through everything, and I wouldn't for an instant go back.  I distinctly remember the feeling of dating you at 21, not really having any vision of this grand, huge thing our lives together would become.  This amazing little creature we would create, this dog that we would cherish.  I'm glad I didn't see all that, it would have been too good to be true, and thus terrifying. 

And you've become things I didn't even know were important at the time.  A wonderful father and provider.  A companion for the rough times.  Someone who tolerates me at my worst, and even loves me.  I couldn't ask for more.  Happy 31st.  It wasn't quite the same as your 21st, but I suppose we can really only be 21 once.  Thanks for making these last 10 years the best so far...

The Reverse Blogger Cleanse

This sounds like a combo between a diet fad and a difficult exercise maneuver (or worse).  But this blog has been dwindling, so I'm going to try to jumpstart it a bit by vowing to post daily for the next month.  I don't promise anything interesting, just words.  Quantity over content, that's really what I'm aiming for.  Quick posts with no time spent editing them.  Woohoo, you guys are in for a treat.

Today, I tell you of my stroller dilemma.  Remember that lovely trip to Disney World I briefly mentioned?  It ended with the airline destroying our beloved jogging stroller.  Did you know that when the airline makes you sign that little slip saying they're not responsible for damages to car seats or strollers they really mean it?

We previously had this one:

In red, though.  So that when I wore my red Gore-Tex and put MJ in her red winter coat, it really looked like we had a theme going. Although I would not have bought the fixed wheel in retrospect, I otherwise loved it.  A lot cheaper than the BoB and a great stroller.

So now I have to decide what to do.  We have a cheap umbrella stroller that barely makes it down city sidewalks, and with winter coming (or here) we need something more substantial.  My question: do I buy another single stroller?  Or do I buy a double thinking we'll fill it sometime soon?  And then walk around looking like I lost one of my kids and didn't notice?  They have those fancy-schmancy strollers that convert from one seat to two, but that would require MJ sitting underneath an infant at some point, and I can't imagine her being willing to not be able to see what's going on.  

The truth of the matter is, we need something to contain her.  Although she is physically able to exist without a stroller in many scenarios, she likes to run wildly away.  Twice this week I've had strangers tell me they've never seen a child that young move that fast.  I have no basis for comparison, but DH blamed it on the fact that I drank coffee when I was pregnant with her.  So it seems it is not really the airline's fault that we need a new stroller, as they made me agree to with my signature, but instead my bad caffeine habits.

Thoughts on life

1)  Progesterone sucks.
2)  The real reason people don't talk about fertility treatments is that they are sometimes degrading and gross.
3)  How easy is it to hack into an internet camera?
4)  I think I'm taking the job.  But I won't know for weeks yet because of government bureaucracy.
5)  It's only 75% time.  Sweet!  The perfect compromise.
6)  I have really enjoyed teaching this semester, I'm afraid I'm going to regret my decision.
7)  I'm going to miss working with my fellow blogger...
8)  I've decided it's time to start decorating for Christmas.  November 1st is my new deadline.  It's too good a holiday to only last one month.
9)  We took MJ to Disney World.  It was AWESOME.  Pictures to come, if Picasa learns how to cooperate.
10)  Today was the first day that felt like winter.  :(
11)  Maybe when I start this new job you'll get more blogs from me because I won't be spending every evening working.
12)  I tour a new daycare tomorrow.  The idea of moving MJ to a new place is traumatic.  But I'm not convinced I want to keep her at her current place for preschool, and this seems like it might be a logical time for a transition. 
13)  I lost half of my house plants to a mealy bug infestation.
14)  Picasa cooperated:

 

Some photos of our fall

Looking through these I realize MJ's not smiling much in them. I wonder if she smiles less now, or just doesn't like having her picture taken. Some of both? I'm not sure. She's still joyous, but usually too focused on getting into trouble, which means my hands aren't free to take pictures and her back is usually to me.

Because Concise

1.  I have given up on my Halloween, and now throw all my effort into MJ's Halloween.  At some point, there are a few holidays that parents just don't really celebrate, because a) it's impossible to find a sitter for Halloween weekend, b) waving bye-bye to MJ for a date night dressed as a slutty nurse just doesn't seem right and c) little kids in costume are so much more fun to see than grownups in costume.  So it is no longer my holiday, and I'm 99% okay with that (there's a small part of me that misses it, but then I just eat some of her candy and forget about it...)

2.  We are holding off on Clomid for now.  We are trying some other hormone options first, if only to convince myself we've done everything we can before we take the plunge.  I continue to read Jennepper's blog and cannot comprehend the bad stuff she has to go through.  I know she did IVF not Clomid, and I know the odds of such things are rare, but should that happen to us I want to to know it was not a rash decision.

3.  Winter is fast approaching.  I am busy figuring out activities for MJ, but it is starting to sink in that this is the hard part of being a stay at home Mom.  To be fair, I am only home three days a week, but with DH working many weekends and evenings, some weeks it is closer to 5 days alone with her.  She is starting to enter attitude territory, complete with tongue-sticking out, "I don't want to", jumping up and down tantrums.

4.  I may not be a pseudo-stay-at-home-mom much longer.  I have to decide as of tomorrow (or so, they said I could take longer) whether to take a full time position.  The job sounds interesting, the people seem very nice, but it's so hard to fathom going back to full time.   Though I've come to realize I'm not a very good stay at home mom; I'm not very patient and I get bored fairly easily.  I had visions of something different, and while I enjoy seeing more of her, I'm not convinced the amount of quality time I spend with her has gone up much.  As of this moment I'm 85% sure I'll take the position, but I am waiting to see the actual offer in writing (it's only been verbal so far.)

Hello, Goodbye.

My last shot of MJ in her crib. I think I'll miss this view more than I expected.

This is my new view:

Sweet farewells...

It's not you

Recycling a stack of Wall Street Journal's the other day, I stumbled on this article from July:  My Fertility Crisis.
I took away two big points from this article.
1.  I'm only thirty.  Even though we're having some difficulty, I'm in a very lucky spot.
2.  Women need to talk about fertility issues more openly.

These are not really the main points of the article, just the points that apply to my life.

I have known both of these points to be true, this was just a timely reminder.  A large part of me wants to say nothing about our issues.  To pretend everything is fine.

But deep down, I feel that the media, society and wishful thinking is allowing women to delude themselves.  While I hate talking about personal things with the world, it makes me so sad that statistics suggest there are SO many women with fertility issues, and yet I see so few people talking about it.  The only people that talk openly about getting pregnant are the ones who do so easily, and I fear that it gives women a false impression that it's easy.  And I think it drives women to put off having children because they believe that when they're ready it will be easy.

We had an appointment last week to talk about our issues.  We've already had all the tests run, that suggest that everything is fine other than mild PCOS in me.  Everything is fine, except that we've been trying to get pregnant for 11 months and still aren't.  So the discussion came down to Clomid.  Basically, even though I ovulate semi-regularly, Clomid could still improve hormone levels that may be inhibiting/preventing pregnancy.  But with it comes an increased risk of twins (1 in 20) and higher order multiples.  Having twins doesn't scare me so much, though I would feel bad for MJ.  Hoisting one sibling on her seems rough, but hoisting two siblings on her seems cruel.

My real fear is complications.  Twins are by definition a high risk pregnancy.  If I felt this was the only way for us to get pregnant I wouldn't hesitate.  But knowing we got pregnant semi-easily without clomid already, it makes me hesitant to take that risk.  I guess I read too many mom blogs, because I know or know of far too many women with devastating stories from a multiples birth.  If that happened to us, and I wasn't convinced it was a necessary risk, I'm not sure I could forgive myself.  But how do I know when it is a necessary risk, and not just impatience?

Caught in the act

Vito was sequestered to the top floor, so MJ carried that overflowing bowl of dog food up two flights of stairs and fed him, with a spoon, between the bars. I don't think Vito knows how good he has it.

2 years old

MJ's official birthday was last Monday, but we celebrated today.  What made it particularly special is that Nana was in town, and today is her 60th.  So MJ and Nana celebrated their birthday's together; I think that realization never quite made it into MJ's brain.  The cupcakes, balloons, presents, friends and family were the source of her joy, as one would hope for any two year old

MJ is still the firecracker she has always been.  She ran around saying "I two" for much of the day, and tried very hard to sing the words to "Happy Birthday" which were mostly just "Hap Hap day".  She was in ecstasy over a toy motorcycle and pretended to drink tea for about an hour. She loved seeing all her friends, and I've come to realize that I think she mourns the loss of our neighbors.  We don't have nearly as many kids at our house since we moved.  Although she handled the move well, and seems to love the new house, she misses having the ability to walk a few houses down to play with other kids.

As with all birthdays, this one was very bittersweet for me.  I know my Mom is not ecstatic to be turning 60.  I'm not ecstatic to be leaving all remnants of babyhood behind, particularly because I thought we'd be looking at the possibility of another baby by now.  Instead, I am facing the fear that we won't be able to have another baby, and it makes a milestone like this so much more poignant.  I know it's too soon to jump to such a conclusion, but that's the fear in the back of my mind.  We are only a couple months from an official diagnosis of secondary infertility, something I never thought I'd be able to say.

Thankfully, though, MJ's joy is too infectious to stay sad for long.  Everything is a source of joy, and her spontaneous kisses and hugs can always brighten my day.  Fall is definitely here now, along with a fire in our fireplace and zucchini bread in the oven.  We finally have some pictures on the walls, a couch to sit on and a dining table that can fit all of our friends.  I feel so blessed.  I need to keep focus.  But I also need to savor every one of these moments, because I just don't if they'll happen again.  It has made my decision to stay home with MJ even more reassuring than it already is; if I had to miss all these moments not knowing if I will ever have more children.  As someone who often said she wanted four kids, such an idea would be a huge adjustment.

Greetings from the Berkshires.

It turns out I miss mountains more than I realized. We've been in Massachusetts for a wedding, and this place is just blissful. Fascinating rocks. Hardwood forests. Fall colors. Quaint towns. I had forgotten how lovely New England can be. Thankfully we've had an abundance of rude encounters with the locals, which reminded me that Minnesota Nice is more than just a T-shirt. Yep, I miss the mountains and the woods, but I'm still looking forward to going home.