Working? (aka full term)

I had my performance review yesterday.  It was mediocre.  I have been mediocre.  It was also a probationary review, because I started here just over 6 months ago and that's how long my probationary period lasts.  After that I'm fully unionized and, you know, unions.  Love them or hate them, it is true that it's harder to fire a union employee.  So they make sure they like you before it's too hard to fire you.  

So, despite the fact that I’m mediocre and very pregnant and about to leave for several months, they are keeping me.  There was a small part of me that almost wanted them to let me go so that I have an excuse to not be here.  This is probably part of what makes me mediocre.  Also, I’m only here 75% of the time, so I simply don’t get as much done as other folks.  And I’m just not that excited about this job.  It’s good but not great.  I still see the potential for it to get a lot better, and part of the reason it hasn’t been great is just circumstances beyond anyone’s control.  Projects that haven’t gone as planned.  What is great is the hours.  And the flexibility.  It fits in so well with our family.  I feel like I still get to see my daughter a ton, and yet it keeps me sane and keeps my skills up.  Even though I don’t love it, I never dread it, so that’s something.  And, like I said, I keep hoping it will get better. 

It is a new thing to me, though, to be mediocre and be 100% fine with that.  While I’ve been okay with not being the best, I like to do good work and earn awards and accolades.  Now?  I just don’t care.  Does that do a disservice to women in the workplace?  I don’t really know, but it’s something I think about.  I hate to fit the stereotype, but here I am, fitting the stereotype.  Does that bother anyone else?

The other reason I’m mediocre right now, is that I’m just very pregnant.  I’m uncomfortable.  I’m distracted.  I don’t want to start new projects.  I hope that each day at the office will be my last for a long while. 

Things are starting to feel very close.  As I may have mentioned, I have it firmly lodged in my head that I will go early.  I wish I didn’t have this in my head, because I may still have a month (or a little more!) left.  This is, I think, the hardest part of pregnancy.  The discomfort isn’t great, but it doesn’t mess with my head.  The waiting messes with my head.  Each day could be like any other, or could be completely life changing.  If you walked out of your house in the morning and had a 0.5% chance (my current odds of going into labor on any given day) of your life changing in a dramatic, important and permanent way, wouldn’t that be hard to live with?  And what about when it becomes a 5% chance, the odds once I get closer to 40 weeks?  It’s not enough of a chance to plan for, and not enough of a chance to ignore.  That’s where my head’s at. 

I recently found this awesome website:

http://spacefem.com/pregnant/charts/duedate0.php

If you are as obsessed with labor statistics as I am at this moment, check it out.  This woman has a simple survey to compile statistics, and currently has over 2300 respondents.  Although there are some statistical issues with this method, there are with any method, and as her number of respondents goes up I think it becomes a more and more powerful tool.  Among the more interesting parts is her finding that second time moms actually go into labor, on average, later than they did with their first.  This means I would go into labor close to 41 weeks, not early. 

I pulled out my birth books the other day.  I read through MJ’s birth story.  That’s the first time I’ve read it in a long, long time and I came away feeling a lot more upbeat about the whole thing.  I forgot how low her heartrate got.  I forgot how much distress she was in.  One thing I have decided is that puking was the worst part of labor, not pain.  I avoided anti-nausea medications last time, because I didn’t want meds, and this time I’ve decided I’ll do whatever I can to avoid the nausea, because that’s what put me over the edge. 

I’ve also started to become a bit nervous about my water breaking unexpectedly.  It’s fairly rare (~10%) for your water to break before labor begins, but that’s what actually started my labor last time.  It may have been a random occurrence, or it may be how I labor.  I won’t know until it happens, and I’m hoping it won’t happen in public.  In addition, once my water broke, my labor was on.  So I’m nervous that I’ll get stuck somewhere, with hubs working an hour away in the middle of a long shift he can’t just leave, me with MJ and in so much pain I can’t drive.  These are the things I fret about. 

My mom visited for the past week and left yesterday.  It was so nice to have her here.  The help and the distraction were much appreciated.  We got the nursery ~85% complete; I’m excited to post pictures but want to wait until it’s done.  So you may have to wait for some finishing touches. 

And now that my Mom has left MJ must just deal with me.  I’m just a lump these days, and I feel bad for her.  Yesterday I tried to take MJ and Vito for a walk.  I seriously made it two blocks and nearly cried in pain.  Round ligament pain, I think.  I had to sit down on some random guy’s lawn to collect myself, then hobbled back home with dog and toddler, barely containing myself.  I’m sure that most people who saw me thought I was having contractions, because I am that pregnant and was clearly in that much pain.  But what kind of crazy person would take their toddler and dog for a walk while having contractions?  So my abilities are severely limited right now.  My legs feel restless from lack of activity, but the rest of my body just can’t handle it. 

Also, lots of cramping this week, but no real contractions.  At my midwife appointment yesterday I was 4-5 cm dilated at the outside and 1-2 on the inside (so essentially 1-2 cm).  It’s nice to know that all this pain is at least getting me somewhere and accomplishing something.  Up 43 pounds.  Down a lot of sleep.  It happened suddenly, but starting about 5 days ago sleep got really, really crappy.  I have discovered, though, that since the weather cooled down I can deal with this pregnancy thing a lot better.  Just trying to take it one day at a time.  One week at a time.  One midwife appointment at a time.  Trying very hard not to wish this time away, because I know full well how precious it is.  Like I said, it’s just the not knowing.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate this time, but the suspense is sometimes too much.  Coupled with the discomfort. 

A uniquely human trait.

The use of tools... see that step stool she drug over to climb where she wasn't supposed to?  She tried the big, green ball first.  The step stool worked better.

Also, that look of defiance. Very human. Very MJ.

Sound bites.

I'm working in the lab today.  And I get 30-60 second spans of time where I am just waiting on things.  It turns out this is too short a span of time to do anything that needs to be done.  If I attempt to do anything that requires real thought I end up forgetting something in the lab that really shouldn't be forgotten.  So I am going to make you a list.  Of... I'm not sure.  Things I'm thinking.

1.  Our daycare tells us how absolutely joyous MJ is.  How she's never upset.  I feel like I don't get to see that, and it bums me out.  So it means one of two things: either I have unrealistic expectations of what a joyous child looks like, or she takes out all her frustrations on us. 

2.  I wonder if MJ has seasonal depression.  The wind chill on my walk into school today was -25 degrees.  That's Fahrenheit, for all you Canucks, and very cold.  So, needless to say, MJ hasn't been outside for more than minutes at a time since we returned from Oregon, over a month ago.  I would think this could give a person seasonal depression. 

3.  Despite the cold, I love Minnesota.  As I was climbing into bed next to DH last night, I realized how the cold makes marriages stronger.  We'd been fighting a bit before we went to bed.  But it was really cold, even in the house with our heater set to 68 degrees.  So we were forced to cuddle.  And cuddling makes you happier, even if you're grumpy with someone. And when you wake up, after a night of forced cuddling, your relationship is in a better place. 

After my realization (these are the things I think about when I'm trying to fall asleep) I googled divorce rates by state.  There is some correlation between climate and divorce rate.  Not a strong one, mind you, but
Wisconsin, Minnesota and North Dakota (three of the coldest states I know) rank 39th, 41st and 44th, respectively.  It would be easy to find flaws in my logic (such as the fact that domestic abuse is higher in colder months) but I stand behind it in my own relationship.

http://pewsocialtrends.org/2009/10/15/marriages-and-divorce-a-50-state-tour/



4.  We've been thinking about our domicile.  Someday, maybe in the not too distant future, we'd like another kiddo (or 2 or 3).  Our house is 800 square feet.  If you live in NYC, you may be salivating at the thought of that much space.  But for the rest of us, it is tiny.  It currently works just fine, but if we add another child to the mix, I simply don't know how we'll all fit.  I know families have fit in such spaces in the past, but this boggles my mind.  Where do you put the children?  Do they share a room?  I can conceive of this from about age 2 onward, but before that it seems like the baby would just wake the toddler all-the-time.  Or the baby sleeps in your room, which is fine in theory, but if baby #1 is anything like baby #2, my children are loud, rambunctious sleepers that keep me up. 

So the questions have been flowing like wine: Are we suburb people?  Is it time to move to a place with a bigger lot, and the possibility of deer wandering through? But that means a commute.  And seeing isolation.  And seeing our friends less.  We actually really love where we currently live.  Location, neighbors, property lot.  Maybe we renovate?  But that's expensive, and we have no equity in our house to pay for it.  And our marriage would have to surrive a renovation.  oy.  So maybe we buy a new house.  But where?  What kind of life do we want?  What would we do with our current house?  Can we possibly be landlords?  This is the constant dinner time conversation of late.  So we continue to save our pennies for a possible downpayment or renovation, and still have no idea what we want.  I take that back - what we really want is for the house we're currently living in to magically double in size.  Anyone know how to make this happen?

Alright, I think that's enough rambling for now.