Working? (aka full term)

I had my performance review yesterday.  It was mediocre.  I have been mediocre.  It was also a probationary review, because I started here just over 6 months ago and that's how long my probationary period lasts.  After that I'm fully unionized and, you know, unions.  Love them or hate them, it is true that it's harder to fire a union employee.  So they make sure they like you before it's too hard to fire you.  

So, despite the fact that I’m mediocre and very pregnant and about to leave for several months, they are keeping me.  There was a small part of me that almost wanted them to let me go so that I have an excuse to not be here.  This is probably part of what makes me mediocre.  Also, I’m only here 75% of the time, so I simply don’t get as much done as other folks.  And I’m just not that excited about this job.  It’s good but not great.  I still see the potential for it to get a lot better, and part of the reason it hasn’t been great is just circumstances beyond anyone’s control.  Projects that haven’t gone as planned.  What is great is the hours.  And the flexibility.  It fits in so well with our family.  I feel like I still get to see my daughter a ton, and yet it keeps me sane and keeps my skills up.  Even though I don’t love it, I never dread it, so that’s something.  And, like I said, I keep hoping it will get better. 

It is a new thing to me, though, to be mediocre and be 100% fine with that.  While I’ve been okay with not being the best, I like to do good work and earn awards and accolades.  Now?  I just don’t care.  Does that do a disservice to women in the workplace?  I don’t really know, but it’s something I think about.  I hate to fit the stereotype, but here I am, fitting the stereotype.  Does that bother anyone else?

The other reason I’m mediocre right now, is that I’m just very pregnant.  I’m uncomfortable.  I’m distracted.  I don’t want to start new projects.  I hope that each day at the office will be my last for a long while. 

Things are starting to feel very close.  As I may have mentioned, I have it firmly lodged in my head that I will go early.  I wish I didn’t have this in my head, because I may still have a month (or a little more!) left.  This is, I think, the hardest part of pregnancy.  The discomfort isn’t great, but it doesn’t mess with my head.  The waiting messes with my head.  Each day could be like any other, or could be completely life changing.  If you walked out of your house in the morning and had a 0.5% chance (my current odds of going into labor on any given day) of your life changing in a dramatic, important and permanent way, wouldn’t that be hard to live with?  And what about when it becomes a 5% chance, the odds once I get closer to 40 weeks?  It’s not enough of a chance to plan for, and not enough of a chance to ignore.  That’s where my head’s at. 

I recently found this awesome website:

http://spacefem.com/pregnant/charts/duedate0.php

If you are as obsessed with labor statistics as I am at this moment, check it out.  This woman has a simple survey to compile statistics, and currently has over 2300 respondents.  Although there are some statistical issues with this method, there are with any method, and as her number of respondents goes up I think it becomes a more and more powerful tool.  Among the more interesting parts is her finding that second time moms actually go into labor, on average, later than they did with their first.  This means I would go into labor close to 41 weeks, not early. 

I pulled out my birth books the other day.  I read through MJ’s birth story.  That’s the first time I’ve read it in a long, long time and I came away feeling a lot more upbeat about the whole thing.  I forgot how low her heartrate got.  I forgot how much distress she was in.  One thing I have decided is that puking was the worst part of labor, not pain.  I avoided anti-nausea medications last time, because I didn’t want meds, and this time I’ve decided I’ll do whatever I can to avoid the nausea, because that’s what put me over the edge. 

I’ve also started to become a bit nervous about my water breaking unexpectedly.  It’s fairly rare (~10%) for your water to break before labor begins, but that’s what actually started my labor last time.  It may have been a random occurrence, or it may be how I labor.  I won’t know until it happens, and I’m hoping it won’t happen in public.  In addition, once my water broke, my labor was on.  So I’m nervous that I’ll get stuck somewhere, with hubs working an hour away in the middle of a long shift he can’t just leave, me with MJ and in so much pain I can’t drive.  These are the things I fret about. 

My mom visited for the past week and left yesterday.  It was so nice to have her here.  The help and the distraction were much appreciated.  We got the nursery ~85% complete; I’m excited to post pictures but want to wait until it’s done.  So you may have to wait for some finishing touches. 

And now that my Mom has left MJ must just deal with me.  I’m just a lump these days, and I feel bad for her.  Yesterday I tried to take MJ and Vito for a walk.  I seriously made it two blocks and nearly cried in pain.  Round ligament pain, I think.  I had to sit down on some random guy’s lawn to collect myself, then hobbled back home with dog and toddler, barely containing myself.  I’m sure that most people who saw me thought I was having contractions, because I am that pregnant and was clearly in that much pain.  But what kind of crazy person would take their toddler and dog for a walk while having contractions?  So my abilities are severely limited right now.  My legs feel restless from lack of activity, but the rest of my body just can’t handle it. 

Also, lots of cramping this week, but no real contractions.  At my midwife appointment yesterday I was 4-5 cm dilated at the outside and 1-2 on the inside (so essentially 1-2 cm).  It’s nice to know that all this pain is at least getting me somewhere and accomplishing something.  Up 43 pounds.  Down a lot of sleep.  It happened suddenly, but starting about 5 days ago sleep got really, really crappy.  I have discovered, though, that since the weather cooled down I can deal with this pregnancy thing a lot better.  Just trying to take it one day at a time.  One week at a time.  One midwife appointment at a time.  Trying very hard not to wish this time away, because I know full well how precious it is.  Like I said, it’s just the not knowing.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate this time, but the suspense is sometimes too much.  Coupled with the discomfort. 

36 weeks.

I should start this post by saying that I won't be offended if you want to step away from my blog for the next few weeks.  I know I'm being whiny.  I know deep down that I'm lucky and my discomforts are minor and temporary.  But this is my blog, and therefore this is where I whine.

Today's appointment was an odd one, mostly because it was the first one I've taken MJ to.  And because I had an internal exam that I forgot about.  I always try to shower for those.  Oops.

The appointment started with me peeing in a cup.  I find it odd that my midwife practice makes me do this at every appointment.  Is this normal for other folks?  During MJ's pregnancy (in a completely different office) I remember maybe once or twice being checked for protein.  I can't help but think this is just a ratcheting up of health care costs with unnecessary tests.

MJ was pretty fascinated by the concept of peeing in a cup.  She was only willing to go potty afterwards if I promised her that she did not have to pee in a cup.

The exam was fine, and thankfully MJ listened and sat in the chair (next to my head) for the actual exam.  I'm not too worried about traumatizing her, but I'm certain she would share whatever she learned with anyone who will listen at the 4th of July party, thus traumatizing me.  Mostly she just liked that it was an actual doctor's office, with an examining table, stethoscope, etc., just like in her books.

I'm up 41.5 pounds, which is half a pound in the last two weeks.  A much more respectable weight gain than the rest of my pregnancy, thankfully.  Furthermore, I'm 75% effaced and "baby is really low".  The midwife didn't use any words like engaged, etc., but kept reiterating that she was really low, asking if I felt like she was low.  I have been wondering this, given the random (and crippling) shooting pains in my pelvis.  It doesn't really feel like she dropped, because my belly seems to be in the same place.  But hearing this makes me at least feel like I'm not crazy for feeling like I'm so close.  I realize that these numbers don't really mean anything, I could still deliver at 42 weeks, but that's progress I don't have to worry about making later.

I am entering the bitching stage of pregnancy (I may have been in it for a while).  I am not a glowing pregnant lady.  Until recently I've at least been a happy pregnant lady, but I'm past that, too.  I've been whining a lot.  And grumbling a lot.  About the heat.  About pelvic pain.  About peeing ALLTHETIME.  About round ligament pain, which is much worse than last time around.  Probably because I had so much back and hip pain I was largely immobile (in that I simply didn't move) and didn't have the opportunity for the weight of my belly to be a problem.

I know this is nature's way of making us glad for the approaching discomfort that is labor and having a newborn.  When labor was done last time, I recall thinking how much better that was than pregnancy.  Having a newborn seemed so much more pleasant than being pregnant.  But labor and newbornhood is tough, so late pregnancy HAS to suck this much or we wouldn't feel this way.

I've discussed this theory of mine with other women.  I don't think most of them agree.

In other news, our mice are back.  Aren't they supposed to be living outside in the Minnesota summer while they can?  Also, our dining room lights no longer work and our third floor shower leaks into my daughter's bedroom.  I love having a 109 year old house.

The 7 Year Ikea Itch

Yesterday we made a major Ikea outing.  There was a time when we both loved a trip to Ikea.  That time has passed.  I suppose it was back when we had an undecorated, unfurnished space and we could envision so many possibilities.  And back when we weren't chasing a toddler and had the time to envision those possibilities.  Now, the only things we envision are losing MJ when she decides to hide under a table or her desperate attempts to try to jump off a bunk bed.  There are many possibilities, but generally not good ones.


I am fairly certain we managed to buy the most difficult to assemble item at Ikea yesterday. It's a bed with storage underneath for our Guest Bedroom (which would be better named the Grandma bedroom).  The Grandma's have been kind, but have been grumbling a bit about climbing off the floor every morning.  And since I know we'll have many visitors when the baby is born, it seemed to be time to get them a bed frame.  At any rate, I've assembled at least one of every class of furniture from Ikea (chairs, bookshelves, tables, beds, dressers, etc.) and this one is far and away the most complicated.  It's a 3 boxer, which should have been my first warning.  And the manual is better termed a novelette.  A cryptic novelette that MJ could better interpret than I could.

I hope to make it a year without having to return to Ikea.  Maybe by then I will have gained some of the affection I've lost.

This is, in a round about way, a pregnancy update post.  But I'm tired of boring titles and fill in the blank answers, so you'll get a bit more rambling.  These photos are now about 5 days old; I'm 2 days shy of 23 weeks but these were taken at 22 weeks, and I just never got around to posting them.  As you can see, the full body pregnancy weight gain has begun.  I remember looking in the mirror at some point in my last pregnancy and thinking "Oh my!  Has my face always been this chubby?"  I was relieved to find that the answer was "no" and that it returned to what I remembered it looking like after pregnancy.  This time around, I'll try to accept that this is just what my body likes to do when I get pregnant.  I'm still hovering right around 20 lbs of weight gain, and have been for a couple weeks, so that's somewhat comforting.  Plateaus of this sort are a good thing.

The movement this week has been extensive.  There have been several nights where she kicks so much I can't fall asleep.  I'm finding that I really, really enjoy it, even when it makes me grumble a bit.  In general, I'm enjoying pregnancy.  I'm not one of those glowing "I love being pregnant!" women, but it has been pleasant.  Although it's getting more difficult to do simple things like bend over, and build Ikea furniture, I still feel really good, and that's more than I could say last time at this point.  My exercise has slacked and I need to pick up the pace so that I stay in a semblance of good shape.  Walking is all I'm aiming for at this point, my dreams of running throughout pregnancy have dissipated.

I've been trying to get everything set up around here before I get too uncomfortable, thus our Ikea trip.  I've been painting MJ's old crib, which has turned into a rather large project.  It's looking nice, but I really want to finish so that I can fix up other things in the baby room.  After a week, I'm only about a third done.  And then there's taxes.

That's about all I've got to report.  We've had some family visit, are about to have some more family visit.  My job is still incredibly boring, though my boss and coworkers are wonderful, and the hours are pretty nice.  MJ is still amazingly cute about the baby.  Every morning she runs in and says good morning to her.  She talks about wanting to read to her sister.  And how excited she is to have her sit in the back seat with her.  I feel a little bad for her, knowing that the reality, at least at first, will probably not be as great as she has built it up in her head.  But I'm hopeful that this will help in some capacity.

I think I'll just wrap up with some of my favorite photos from the past month.

Since everyone in the real world can apparently tell...

Big strike out for the daily posts over here.  I guess I increased my post numbers, but failed at my goal.  I think next time I'll aim for every other day, and just not tell y'all.  So if I succeed, I can just say "Hey, look at that!" and if I fail I won't have to draw attention to it.  Maybe December wasn't the best month as well, what with Christmas and all.

Anyway, on to the obligatory-blogger-year-in-review.  And the BIG REVEAL.

Notice anything different?  The hair is notable.  The rest is harder to capture in a picture.  As DH put it, she now gets interested in things.  Last year at this time, she had two primary interests: eating, and running.  Now she will actually sit for (short) periods of time and focus on things. Communication is the other biggie.  We have full conversations, sometimes about abstract concepts like "air" and "boys vs girls".  And she seems to get it. 

As for our year, it's been a big one.  Last year at this time we were debating where to live.  Even as far as what city we wanted to end up in.  We were convinced we would get pregnant any day and need a bigger house (hah!) and started the search.  We are now settled in that house, in a wonderful neighborhood with wonderful neighbors.  DH started his real job, after (only) 12 years of school and training.  I quit my PhD, a very scary move but an ultimately wonderful move.

And we ended the year expecting a new kiddo in August.  Yep.  I've been meaning to tell you all, but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  We've had a few ultrasounds, everything has been measuring well.  The morning sickness has been uncomfortable but not crippling.  We've told many people in our day-to-day lives, but the fear of miscarriage still lingered (and still does, really).  But I'll be 10 weeks in a few days, and was called out at a party last night.

We went to our neighbor's house for New Year's Eve, which turned out to be wonderful.  Although all of our new neighbor's have been wonderful, there is really only one we've gotten to know well (and not the one having the party).  So we didn't know what to expect, but it was perfect.  Lots of little kids for MJ to play with, actual adults to talk to, and just good people. 

At any rate, one of my neighbor's came up and asked "Is there any news that you're thinking about sharing?  About...." then she got a terrified look on her face that perhaps she'd been too presumptuous.  After all, you're never supposed to ask women if they're pregnant.  But, we assuaged her fears, and I came to realize that I am already starting to look pregnant.

Which will be interesting when I show up at my new job, a week from Monday.  The timing is not exactly what we aimed for, but life doesn't like to work according to plans. 

It's been quite a week.

I haven't been posting a lot here.  Largely because I've had things on my mind, that I wanted to talk about, but never felt this was the right forum.  I've been frustrated, even depressed at times, by the lack of progress in my life.  Let me start by saying I know how much I have to be thankful for, and I am very, very thankful.  But I think it is human nature to want to move forward in some way.  At least, it's my nature.  And my whole life has been stagnant lately, despite desperate attempts on my part to move it forward.

And then, in the course of a week, it all changes.  After 5 months of house hunting, last weekend we put in an offer on a place.  We were the first potential buyers to see it, it had only come on the market 12 hours earlier, and when we walked in we immediately knew it was home.  It felt so right.  There are things about it that don't fit our "ideal" but we had come to realize how much our ideal would cost, and were worried that we would be house poor if we got something more expensive.  This is the perfect balance of everything we needed.  We made an offer, lower than their asking price, and they took it.  So we move in a month!  Now we are knee deep in packing and trying to clear out things we don't need.  Our agent later told us she had been talking to an agent friend of hers whose clients tried to put an offer in that evening, but it had already been sold.  Good thing we went with our gut....

And then there is the issue of my job/PhD program/the reason my kid is in childcare.  I have been very, very unhappy there.  I have wanted to spend more time with MJ.  I have become convinced that this degree will do me no good now that we've decided to stay in Minnesota forever; academic positions almost always require moving around.  After four years, I am not even close to finishing my PhD.  I felt like it was time to admit it just wasn't going to happen.  The difficulty for me was trying to decide what I want to do with myself instead.  I decided a few months ago that I wouldn't quit until I had a plan.  The problem, though, is that I wasn't getting a plan, I was becoming more unhappy at work, my boss was getting frustrated with my lack of progress, and my heart was no longer in it.  I had moved on, and it was time to just cut ties.  So I decided on Saturday it was time to stop living in fear of what happens next.  I don't know what will happen next.  But not moving forward simply because I was afraid no longer seemed logical.  I decided to stop my PhD, and I told my advisor yesterday.  And for now, I will stay home with MJ.  And what will I do next?  I don't know, but you can bet I'll figure it out.

June 14, 2011

THE DATE WE CLOSE ON OUR NEW HOUSE!!!

To give you some perspective on why we're so excited, I think I only need to show some pictures.

These are some lovely pictures of our current kitchen, taken during our house hunt several years ago.

The reason you can't see the whole kitchen is that there's no place to stand to take in the whole kitchen.  It looks a little different now, mostly just messier, but certainly no bigger.

Our future kitchen will be this:

The rest of the house is lovely too, but this is my dream kitchen.  We thought about trying to renovate a kitchen in our current house or some other house, but the expected expense and possibility for marital destruction loomed large.  I am going to have to become a much better cook to live up to this kitchen.

Other reasons we're in love?  We're going from ~800 square feet to ~2200 square feet. We will be a block from a lovely park.  And so many windows.  The current owners renovated the house in 1992, adding this kitchen, an attached garage, and lots and lots of big windows.  There is so much natural light and space. 

There are a couple things we will need to learn to live with.  Notably, those black slate floors.  I love natural stone, but I suspect these are going to be a bear to keep clean.  Also, the kitchen is so big that it echoes, and our not-quiet-toddler is amplified.  I think there will be a need for some carpet on the floor to combat both of these.

A rough calculation suggests that I saw on the order of 70 houses.  I think DH saw about half that; MJ and I went to many open houses while he was at work, which turns out to be a great toddler activity.  What will we do with our free Sundays now?