Tuesday, May 31, 2011

It's been quite a week.

I haven't been posting a lot here.  Largely because I've had things on my mind, that I wanted to talk about, but never felt this was the right forum.  I've been frustrated, even depressed at times, by the lack of progress in my life.  Let me start by saying I know how much I have to be thankful for, and I am very, very thankful.  But I think it is human nature to want to move forward in some way.  At least, it's my nature.  And my whole life has been stagnant lately, despite desperate attempts on my part to move it forward.

And then, in the course of a week, it all changes.  After 5 months of house hunting, last weekend we put in an offer on a place.  We were the first potential buyers to see it, it had only come on the market 12 hours earlier, and when we walked in we immediately knew it was home.  It felt so right.  There are things about it that don't fit our "ideal" but we had come to realize how much our ideal would cost, and were worried that we would be house poor if we got something more expensive.  This is the perfect balance of everything we needed.  We made an offer, lower than their asking price, and they took it.  So we move in a month!  Now we are knee deep in packing and trying to clear out things we don't need.  Our agent later told us she had been talking to an agent friend of hers whose clients tried to put an offer in that evening, but it had already been sold.  Good thing we went with our gut....

And then there is the issue of my job/PhD program/the reason my kid is in childcare.  I have been very, very unhappy there.  I have wanted to spend more time with MJ.  I have become convinced that this degree will do me no good now that we've decided to stay in Minnesota forever; academic positions almost always require moving around.  After four years, I am not even close to finishing my PhD.  I felt like it was time to admit it just wasn't going to happen.  The difficulty for me was trying to decide what I want to do with myself instead.  I decided a few months ago that I wouldn't quit until I had a plan.  The problem, though, is that I wasn't getting a plan, I was becoming more unhappy at work, my boss was getting frustrated with my lack of progress, and my heart was no longer in it.  I had moved on, and it was time to just cut ties.  So I decided on Saturday it was time to stop living in fear of what happens next.  I don't know what will happen next.  But not moving forward simply because I was afraid no longer seemed logical.  I decided to stop my PhD, and I told my advisor yesterday.  And for now, I will stay home with MJ.  And what will I do next?  I don't know, but you can bet I'll figure it out.

4 comments:

  1. Hey there...you don't know me, but I read your blog ;) I'm a friend of Bridget's from UO. I'm Elaine, mother of Emeline, 14 months. Bridget or Jeph, I can't remember which pointed me to your blog ages ago, and I love seeing the pics of MJ and hearing about your life. You speak the truth! Anyway, I resonated today with your post about wanting to move forward, and feeling difficulty there. So I thought I should say "hi", and tell you I'm a reader and I think you are doing awesome! Congrats on the house and the job decision.

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  2. Your mom showed me pictures of the house and it looks perfect for you! Congrats! Phyllis

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  3. Big decisions! Congrats on the house, as well as your choice to stay home with MJ. Whether it ends up being 2 months or 2 years at home, I'd highly recommend scheduling play dates and other activities to break up your week. Granted, MJ's older than my little boy, but staying home full time can feel isolating at times. Have fun and enjoy!

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  4. Excited to see what you do. I've always admired your scientific mind, you ask really good questions and see through to the point of things. Whatever realm of things gets you will be lucky!
    Anna

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