MJ's official birthday was last Monday, but we celebrated today. What made it particularly special is that Nana was in town, and today is her 60th. So MJ and Nana celebrated their birthday's together; I think that realization never quite made it into MJ's brain. The cupcakes, balloons, presents, friends and family were the source of her joy, as one would hope for any two year old
MJ is still the firecracker she has always been. She ran around saying "I two" for much of the day, and tried very hard to sing the words to "Happy Birthday" which were mostly just "Hap Hap day". She was in ecstasy over a toy motorcycle and pretended to drink tea for about an hour. She loved seeing all her friends, and I've come to realize that I think she mourns the loss of our neighbors. We don't have nearly as many kids at our house since we moved. Although she handled the move well, and seems to love the new house, she misses having the ability to walk a few houses down to play with other kids.
As with all birthdays, this one was very bittersweet for me. I know my Mom is not ecstatic to be turning 60. I'm not ecstatic to be leaving all remnants of babyhood behind, particularly because I thought we'd be looking at the possibility of another baby by now. Instead, I am facing the fear that we won't be able to have another baby, and it makes a milestone like this so much more poignant. I know it's too soon to jump to such a conclusion, but that's the fear in the back of my mind. We are only a couple months from an official diagnosis of secondary infertility, something I never thought I'd be able to say.
Thankfully, though, MJ's joy is too infectious to stay sad for long. Everything is a source of joy, and her spontaneous kisses and hugs can always brighten my day. Fall is definitely here now, along with a fire in our fireplace and zucchini bread in the oven. We finally have some pictures on the walls, a couch to sit on and a dining table that can fit all of our friends. I feel so blessed. I need to keep focus. But I also need to savor every one of these moments, because I just don't if they'll happen again. It has made my decision to stay home with MJ even more reassuring than it already is; if I had to miss all these moments not knowing if I will ever have more children. As someone who often said she wanted four kids, such an idea would be a huge adjustment.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Can I come clean?
Because this is killing me.
I wanted kids two years apart. Or less, really, but two seemed like a more sane number than one.
My daughter turns two next month. So can you guess how long I've been trying to get pregnant?
I know how super blessed I am. How wonderful my daughter is, and my life. I'm lucky I'm not dealing with the thought of "What if I can never get pregnant? Never have a kid?" Because dealing with this has given me a greater understanding of what it might feel like to deal with that, though I'm sure it sucks a whole lot more. But it still sucks to deal with this.
Being as we already have one daughter, conceived without the use of fertility meds, we have no known issues. Other than that I occasionally have (very) long cycles and a fuzzy diagnosis of PCOS.
Writing all this out, I feel like a whole lot more of a bitch. Because I have dear friends who I know have faced much more insurmountable odds than this. That's the beauty and the peril of a blog, I suppose.
But one more thing. Completely unrelated. Our house was broken into the other night. I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of a loud bang and our (now knighted) dog barking. I peered out of our second floor bathroom window, into our backyard. The motion detector light was on, and it looked like the gate into our backyard was ajar. After a few minutes, when the barking had ended, I watch a skinny black man start to walk back into our yard.
I yelled to scare the guy off. But here's the best part, the part my husband thinks is hilarious. I yelled "Scram!" The whitest thing you could say, apparently.
Then I woke my husband, who was grumpy and disbelieving that anything worthy of waking up for had happened. We went downstairs and thought it was overkill to call the cops, until we realized the screen into our kitchen had been cut.
So we called the cops. We didn't see anything missing, thanks (no doubt) to our knighted dog Vito. The cops were at our door by the time we were off the phone. I described the guy, they set some dogs loose to try to track him and told us to "stay inside". But nothing.
It wasn't until two days later that I realized they stole my camera, which had been sitting prominently on the kitchen table. So they were definitely inside our house. The upsdide? We've gotten to know several of our neighbors much better, as we stopped at their porches to tell the our story in the interest of public safety and neighborhood well being. Another updside: I will be getting a new camera. But burglar, if you read this blog, it will no longer be sitting on my kitchen table. Also, I buy cheap cameras that just happen to look expensive, so there are probably better things to grab.
As upsetting as the burglary should be, it's really the first woe that's keeping me up at night. It's the second woe that's keeping DH up at night. But I have no doubt that both of these woes will be keeping my mother up at night.
I wanted kids two years apart. Or less, really, but two seemed like a more sane number than one.
My daughter turns two next month. So can you guess how long I've been trying to get pregnant?
I know how super blessed I am. How wonderful my daughter is, and my life. I'm lucky I'm not dealing with the thought of "What if I can never get pregnant? Never have a kid?" Because dealing with this has given me a greater understanding of what it might feel like to deal with that, though I'm sure it sucks a whole lot more. But it still sucks to deal with this.
Being as we already have one daughter, conceived without the use of fertility meds, we have no known issues. Other than that I occasionally have (very) long cycles and a fuzzy diagnosis of PCOS.
Writing all this out, I feel like a whole lot more of a bitch. Because I have dear friends who I know have faced much more insurmountable odds than this. That's the beauty and the peril of a blog, I suppose.
But one more thing. Completely unrelated. Our house was broken into the other night. I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of a loud bang and our (now knighted) dog barking. I peered out of our second floor bathroom window, into our backyard. The motion detector light was on, and it looked like the gate into our backyard was ajar. After a few minutes, when the barking had ended, I watch a skinny black man start to walk back into our yard.
I yelled to scare the guy off. But here's the best part, the part my husband thinks is hilarious. I yelled "Scram!" The whitest thing you could say, apparently.
Then I woke my husband, who was grumpy and disbelieving that anything worthy of waking up for had happened. We went downstairs and thought it was overkill to call the cops, until we realized the screen into our kitchen had been cut.
So we called the cops. We didn't see anything missing, thanks (no doubt) to our knighted dog Vito. The cops were at our door by the time we were off the phone. I described the guy, they set some dogs loose to try to track him and told us to "stay inside". But nothing.
It wasn't until two days later that I realized they stole my camera, which had been sitting prominently on the kitchen table. So they were definitely inside our house. The upsdide? We've gotten to know several of our neighbors much better, as we stopped at their porches to tell the our story in the interest of public safety and neighborhood well being. Another updside: I will be getting a new camera. But burglar, if you read this blog, it will no longer be sitting on my kitchen table. Also, I buy cheap cameras that just happen to look expensive, so there are probably better things to grab.
As upsetting as the burglary should be, it's really the first woe that's keeping me up at night. It's the second woe that's keeping DH up at night. But I have no doubt that both of these woes will be keeping my mother up at night.
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