2 years old

MJ's official birthday was last Monday, but we celebrated today.  What made it particularly special is that Nana was in town, and today is her 60th.  So MJ and Nana celebrated their birthday's together; I think that realization never quite made it into MJ's brain.  The cupcakes, balloons, presents, friends and family were the source of her joy, as one would hope for any two year old

MJ is still the firecracker she has always been.  She ran around saying "I two" for much of the day, and tried very hard to sing the words to "Happy Birthday" which were mostly just "Hap Hap day".  She was in ecstasy over a toy motorcycle and pretended to drink tea for about an hour. She loved seeing all her friends, and I've come to realize that I think she mourns the loss of our neighbors.  We don't have nearly as many kids at our house since we moved.  Although she handled the move well, and seems to love the new house, she misses having the ability to walk a few houses down to play with other kids.

As with all birthdays, this one was very bittersweet for me.  I know my Mom is not ecstatic to be turning 60.  I'm not ecstatic to be leaving all remnants of babyhood behind, particularly because I thought we'd be looking at the possibility of another baby by now.  Instead, I am facing the fear that we won't be able to have another baby, and it makes a milestone like this so much more poignant.  I know it's too soon to jump to such a conclusion, but that's the fear in the back of my mind.  We are only a couple months from an official diagnosis of secondary infertility, something I never thought I'd be able to say.

Thankfully, though, MJ's joy is too infectious to stay sad for long.  Everything is a source of joy, and her spontaneous kisses and hugs can always brighten my day.  Fall is definitely here now, along with a fire in our fireplace and zucchini bread in the oven.  We finally have some pictures on the walls, a couch to sit on and a dining table that can fit all of our friends.  I feel so blessed.  I need to keep focus.  But I also need to savor every one of these moments, because I just don't if they'll happen again.  It has made my decision to stay home with MJ even more reassuring than it already is; if I had to miss all these moments not knowing if I will ever have more children.  As someone who often said she wanted four kids, such an idea would be a huge adjustment.