Decisions.

I can't sleep. 

Yesterday I blamed it on the coffee.  But today I know it is not the coffee. 

It is because I need to make a decision.  I gave myself until the end of this coming week. 

I need to decide whether I am going to return to work.

If I don't, I worry that this makes me flighty, changing jobs so frequently of late.  I worry about becoming irrelevant in my field.  I worry about staking my identity to my husband and my children.  I worry about becoming unemployable down the road.

If I do, I worry about spending my best years in a job I hate.  I worry about losing precious time with my children.  I worry that I will be wasting time not doing other jobs that make me happy and from which I find fulfillment.

At this moment, the money side of the equation doesn't matter much.  I'd make slightly more by working, but not significantly so.  In the future, after we no longer need to pay for childcare, this would of course not be true.  But it's a fairly low paying job (for my field) and I was making more teaching part time.  So maybe, in the long run, I'd make more by finding something else.  But the chances of me finding something else in my field are slim.  So maybe I chose my field poorly?  I don't miss being in my field at the moment, so maybe that would be okay?

But the idea of waking up every day, forever, and only being a wife and a mother is depressing (with no offense to those who get complete fulfillment from this.  I just know myself well enough to know I need something else, something that doesn't depend on the moods and whims of children and spouse).  I have some other projects I'm taking on, including part-time landlording, so that wouldn't be entirely true.  But inevitably, when someone asks me what I do, I would say "I stay at home". 

When you least expect it.

I have about five posts stewing in my head (or more, we'll find out when this is done), but not the motivation or time to write them all.  So here is your brain dump.  Read it quick so it doesn't attract flies.  They are not in order of importance.  I think you'll know what I mean.

1.  Of course, top on my mind is 35 WEEKS.




Apparently I was too busy trying to snap a quick picture in the work restroom without looking like a creep to remember to smile.  I'll make this quick.  Up 41 pounds.  Sleeping well but require 5 pillows and our poor pup is banned upstairs because he was waking me up too much.  The heat wipes me out, but now that I've accepted that I get very little done when it's hot (or, really, ever) things seem much better.  I get random, crippling muscle pains for a day or two then things return to normal.

2.  Monday was our 7th anniversary.  I finally replaced the hubs wedding ring, which he lost over 4 years ago.  I was able to get a ring that looks like just like his original wedding band (which was pretty unique to begin with).  I was psyched.  As for the anniversary, it was low key and very much representative of our life right now.  Dinner with MJ.  Ate some cake on our front porch.  Chatted with our neighbor.  You, internet, don't get to hear me gush about this guy, he got that in a card I wrote him.  But I will tell you this.  I am a lucky, lucky girl.  I found myself a good man.  I marvel at the ride we've been on, and everything waiting for us in the future.  I marvel at the life we've built.  The family we've made. 

3.  Monday was also the day that I found a guy I used to date had died.  Apparently I don't read the newspaper or ever look at Facebook, because if I did I would have figured this out three years ago.  He died three years ago.  And I never knew.  We had always kept somewhat in touch.  We had exchanged a few emails a couple months before he died.  I had even glanced at his Facebook page a couple times, but figured he never updated it and apparently never read the comments.  Does anyone else ever think about old boyfriends?  Wonder what they're up to?  Every time he flashed into my mind I figured he was probably married.  Had kids.  I hoped he was happy.  And then I found out that the whole time he'd been dead.  Honestly, I was a total mess.  Here's his obituary:  http://www.arlingtoncemetery.net/mpgraziano.htm.  On top of it all, it was our anniversary, a horrible time to mourn the loss of someone else you used to date.  Particularly because... it's complicated.  We dated when DH and I were on a break, seeing other people.  Anyway.  That's almost certainly more than you need to know, internet.  But I do feel the need to write it out.  He was such a nice guy, and he should be off having babies and building ridiculous contraptions.  Also, his mom shouldn't have to experience this.  She just shouldn't.  I know she went through it 3 years ago, but in my mind everyone is just now finding out about this.  It sucks, basically.

4.  The real world has been hitting me hard this week.  DH works in a job where he experiences little children drowning.  I work in a job where I have to hope that mines built now won't pollute the environment for 2,000 years, as some old Roman mines still do.  30 year olds die in plane crashes.  Lots of gun violence in St. Paul this year, I'm tired of hearing about shootings.

5.  In an effort not to dwell on bad things, I'll tell you some of the good things.  We're having a baby soon, have I mentioned that?  MJ is amazing (I think she'll get her own post).  Some kind soul told me I look cute today.  There are lots of annoying things that people say to pregnant women, but telling them they look cute has got to be one of the kindest.  If you're ever at a loss for what to say to a pregnant lady?  Tell them they look cute.  It will likely make their day.  Also?  We met a family at a restaurant the other night who may just be our parent soul mates.  I felt a little like I was flirting, or something.  Their daughter is 3 days older than MJ, and the two of them became instant friends and started running around the restaurant like crazy people.  She is pregnant (not the daughter) and due any day now.  So we shyly exchanged digits, and we'll see what comes of it.  It's weird to pick-up on other parents, but the skills are just the same.

6.  I meant to talk, somewhere in here, about work.  That may still get its own post.  I'm guessing it says something about me that I now find work the least interesting part of my day.  I have become a subpar employee, at least compared to my earlier work ethic.  I now just don't care as much.  There is more to say here, but I've been yawning for at least the past 3 bullets, so it is bed time.

I'm still wearing pants.

Consider this your 24 week update with a splash of 25, since I'm about 5 days behind. 

I had decided weeks ago (a month maybe?) that I was done with pants.  When the belly gets big enough, there are simply no pants that are comfortable enough.  I tried some full panel this time around, but they just make my belly itch.

But this morning it snowed.  And last week it was cold, so I'm still wearing pants.  We had a tease of nice weather (it's really still nicer than usual) that inspired a garden, but the beans appear to be goners and after the predicted frosts this week the peas might be as well.  I knew I might be jumping the gun, but that's how it goes.  I'm more sad about still wearing pants and having no winter coats that fit around my belly than I am about the vegetable loss.

I did finish that bed.  I'll post pictures at some point.  And we had a lovely visit from family, more on that at some point, too.  But really, for the past week, I've been all consumed with taxes.  And van shopping.  Nothing makes you sound like more of an adult than saying "Sorry I don't have time to party with you, but I've been busy with taxes and shopping for a minivan."

I'm happy to report that both are finished.  The taxes this year were scary.  If there was a time for us to become republicans, this would have been the year and the season.  But if this didn't do it then likely nothing will.  Not only did we buy a new house, but we had a big jump in income, DH helped start a new business, we converted a house into a rental and we have to file in two states.  I thought of hiring someone else, but by the time I told them everything they needed to know and tracked down all the documents I just did it myself.  The two state thing is frustrating, too.  We make the majority of our income in Wisconsin, because that's DH's place of employment.  Minnesota has reciprocity, meaning they credit what we pay to Wisconsin for what we owe them.  But it's frustrating, because Wisconsin gets 90% of our state taxes despite the fact that we live in and use the services of Minnesota exclusively.  Doesn't this seem stupid to anyone else?  That's all I'll say about taxes.  That part of being an adult is done for the year.

As for the minivan, that part of being an adult is just starting.  We pick up the new wheels tomorrow.  Here she is:

 

If you look close you can see MJ inside.  We are even getting a remote starter installed (Oh!  Hold me back!) so it really is my dream-mobile.  We went into the car hunt thinking we'd get a mid-size three row SUV.  Why three rows?  Because we have family visit a lot and don't want to have to rely on two cars every time.  And because we tend to keep our cars for decades, and want the option to haul our children's friends around.  And maybe even squeeze another of our own children in there if we still feel like it.  

But may I inform you the problem with 3 row suv's?  You can't get to the back row unless you fold the second row back.  Which you can't do with a carseat installed.  So you climb over the seats?  Or take the seat out?  Ugh.  The practicality of the van almost immediately won us over.  Except that it's a van.  And we have still-so-many biases to overcome on minivans. But we'll get there, I have no doubt.

Oh yeah, the 24 week update.  

Hmm..  Weight gain (at least when that picture was taken): 21 lbs.

Kicks:  all the time.  DH has felt them a few times.

Names:  We're not telling.  I finally got hubs to have the discussion.  He was using delay tactics to avoid having the conversation.  His last delay tactic finally expired (I want to wait until viability!).   I have no doubt that MJ will relay to everyone whatever we decide, even if we try to keep it a secret.  

Other than that, still feeling good.  Hips get a little sore during walks, and I find myself just overall a bit more tired.  I feel a little more uncomfortable ordering a latte at a coffee shop being as I'm so clearly pregnant.  Surprisingly, though, I've had very few stranger comments.

Other than the man at Menard's.  Last week I fixed the toilet and bathroom door in our rental house.  I was at the Hardware store buying some supplies, when an old man shouted "EH?  You building something there?"  Clearly I thought he was talking about the toilet parts I held in my hand.  So I made some awkward comment about rebuilding a toilet, only to realize he meant in my belly.  Weird.  (Pretty proud of my handyman abilities, though, and happy to report that our renters have decided to stay.  The alternative was they move out when their lease expires on August 1, my due date.)