I can't sleep.
Yesterday I blamed it on the coffee. But today I know it is not the coffee.
It is because I need to make a decision. I gave myself until the end of this coming week.
I need to decide whether I am going to return to work.
If I don't, I worry that this makes me flighty, changing jobs so frequently of late. I worry about becoming irrelevant in my field. I worry about staking my identity to my husband and my children. I worry about becoming unemployable down the road.
If I do, I worry about spending my best years in a job I hate. I worry about losing precious time with my children. I worry that I will be wasting time not doing other jobs that make me happy and from which I find fulfillment.
At this moment, the money side of the equation doesn't matter much. I'd make slightly more by working, but not significantly so. In the future, after we no longer need to pay for childcare, this would of course not be true. But it's a fairly low paying job (for my field) and I was making more teaching part time. So maybe, in the long run, I'd make more by finding something else. But the chances of me finding something else in my field are slim. So maybe I chose my field poorly? I don't miss being in my field at the moment, so maybe that would be okay?
But the idea of waking up every day, forever, and only being a wife and a mother is depressing (with no offense to those who get complete fulfillment from this. I just know myself well enough to know I need something else, something that doesn't depend on the moods and whims of children and spouse). I have some other projects I'm taking on, including part-time landlording, so that wouldn't be entirely true. But inevitably, when someone asks me what I do, I would say "I stay at home".