May Days

Before Teddy was born, during the sunset of 2013, my Mom was fond of saying that 2014 would be the year that I just wouldn't remember.

While the details feel so intricate to me now, I fear she may be right.  Although Teddy is sleeping much better than he was, he is still up twice a night, followed by a 6 am wakeup from the big kids.  I seem unable to fall asleep before 10:00 on most nights.  So I spend much of my day in a haze, with days (like today) that I question whether I should even be driving.

May started a few days ago, right?  Isn't Cinco De Mayo in a couple days?

Sadly, no, that was 16 days ago.  So perhaps I really will forget this year, and I should write down a few things.  I like bulleted lists.  So here's a few events of late.

1.  Tonight we went to the end of year picnic for MJ's school.  It is such a magical place, with goats and llamas and chickens and rabbits and ponies and burros.  Although she enjoys animals now, when she was a toddler we'd take her to the zoo or the aquarium and she was bored unless there was something to climb.  Completely uninterested in the animals around her.  Greta, on the other hand, is nuts for animals.  Absolutely cannot get enough of them.  Although MJ loves this school, I think Greta would be in absolute heaven.  We'll see.  We had planned to send MJ there next year for kindergarten, but she got into a public school down the block from our house and will not be returning in the fall.  We are excited but will miss this magical place.  Perhaps Greta will come in a couple years.

2.  A week and a half ago my Mom arrived.  I had a long list of projects to accomplish while she was here.  During her stay I: built 4 different pieces of patio furniture, a bunk bed, installed the water line for the automatic ice maker on our fridge, cleaned our basement and packed a bunch of baby clothes for my sister in law, fixed a shelf, fixed a lamp, planted bulbs, installed an internet camera, and spread mulch over our front yard.  This is on top of a lot of cleaning and cooking and general wifeliness.

In addition to feeling so accomplished, it was so nice to have my Mom here.  I dare say I enjoyed her visit much more than her last visit.  I so dreaded her departure last time that it almost prevented me from enjoying her stay.  I realized that she and I are alike in this.  If something is hanging over my head, I can't enjoy the moment I'm experiencing.  This is also why I would rather flee town in the middle of the night than have to say goodbye (which she does, too, starting her drive at 3 a.m.!)  We also had some wonderful conversations that made me realize how well she knows me.  Now, being a parent, it often boggles my mind that I used to be the flailing toddler on the ground that she had to endure.  It's not that I thank her so much for those moments, it's that I thank her for continuing to come back and put up with me in spite of them.

3.  The girls have been sharing a bedroom since last August.  It has gone exceptionally well.  There was a short spell in December where MJ was waking Greta up in the morning.  Since MJ often wakes up long before G, this led to a very tired Greta and a very grumpy Mom.  We moved MJ's mattress into another room for a week, as a way of driving home that if she wakes her sister up she can't share a room with her.  During that week both girls slept poorly, with many middle of the night wake ups.  It was really more of a punishment for me, apparently.  So we moved them back together and it has continued to be wonderful.  Until a week and a half ago Greta was still in her crib and MJ was in her toddler bed.

But over the past month I have wanted the crib for Teddy; he was in a pack and play or a smaller crib, but I was convinced it was time to transition.  Furthermore, with my Mom in town, it was a good time to assemble a major piece of furniture.  So we bought one on Amazon and assembled it a week and a half ago.

The girls were so excited.  It was a major project.  8 man hours spent building this thing (5 or 6 of those were woman hours).  Plus the mattresses we bought for it (another major internet research project... mattresses stress me out...)

But it was a rough start.  MJ went to sleep fine, but Greta could not stay in her bed.  Although she had been napping in her sisters bed for months, that was always when MJ was out of the room.  With MJ in the room, in the TOP BUNK, she just wanted to climb up there and play.  MJ would fall asleep and Greta would climb up and pull her hair.  Lots of tears.  Lots of yelling.

So we put Greta in the pack and play.  And the next night.  Many nights.  The first couple nights she wanted to sleep in the pack and play.  The next couple nights she would start in her bed, and then climb out of it, and we would put her in the pack and play.

But finally, we are having some success.  She has now slept in her bed for the past few nights without getting out and bothering her sister.  Then they wake up in the morning and play.  I am back to thinking this was a good idea, but not with enough confidence to fold up the pack and play.

4.  Greta.  Oh, Greta.  If I had any sense at all, this age (22 months) would be my least favorite.  Because she really is a terror.  She's becoming more sweet, but she's still a terror.  She doesn't abuse Vito quite as much as she used to.  She is nicer to her brother than she used to be.  Today I even saw her share and play with another kid.  At the same time, though, she is a runner.  She loves to run away from me.  MJ never did this, perhaps because I could always carry her if there was an issue.  But with Teddy in my arms, Great sees the opportunity to bolt in the opposite direction.  It drives me nuts.  It makes me angry.  And I'm afraid she'll get hurt.  I do not know how to get her to stop.  I think I must just endure it.

But she is so sweet, too.  She loves to cuddle in a way that MJ never did.  She constantly wants to climb into my lap and read books.  Books, books, all the time.  We have a picture encyclopedia that she looks at constantly.  Also a couple Dallas Clayton books.  And, of course, Curious George.  She gives me unprovoked kisses and hugs.  How could I not adore this?  And the chatter.  So much chatter.  I think she's right on the verge of a language explosion; more and more new words popping up, and more complex expressions every day.  I can't decide whether I look forward to more language or not.

5.  MJ is a sweet kid.  She makes me proud to be her Mama 98% of the time.  I am constantly told by strangers how well spoken she is.  And she has finally become a neighborhood kid.  The other kids knock on our fence to ask if she's free to play and are bummed if she isn't.  I expect she'll be leading the pack soon enough, because it seems she's the one that is always furnishing the ideas of what to play.  It is fascinating to watch her become part of her community.  She is so much like her Dad.  And, much like him, she makes me so crazy and so happy, all at the same time.

6.  And Teddy.  My baby.  I am trying to soak up every moment of babyness.  I think if someone could just hand me a 4-month-old, without having to endure pregnancy or newbornhood, I would take it.  Every time. So we'd go from a family of 5 to a family of 15.  He has started to grab faces and pull hair.  Greta looked shocked at first, but now seems to find it funny.  And totally endures it, doesn't try to hit back.  MJ spends a chunk of every day trying to get him to laugh.  It is all so freaking adorable.  I try to remember how adorable it is, always.  Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail.

The Christmas season, the Christmas baby

39 weeks and 4 days. Today is the day (in gestation equivalents) that Greta was born. MJ was born 8 days later than this.

I have so far managed to not get too impatient. My Mom arrived 5 days ago, and it has been such a blessing to have her here. I was in a very, very bad state for the week prior to her arrival. I essentially put myself on self-imposed bed rest a couple days before I hit 38 weeks, because I could barely walk. The round ligament pain was so intense it would cause my knees to buckle, and I spent much of my day in tears from the pain. I stopped doing much of anything, laid on the couch most of the day, and was incredibly thankful that Greta was good at entertaining herself.

After a couple days of this, I got a bit better. Picking up Greta seems to have been the main culprit. The added weight, plus the awkward position I had to carry her in because of my giant belly, was just too much. I still was in pain by the end of the day, but I could do the barest minimum of tasks (load the dishwasher, for example).

My Mom arrived last Wednesday, and I am finally back to feeling like a fairly functional human. Having someone here to help has made all the difference. Yesterday I managed to bake cookies (oh my!) and put away three loads of laundry and clean the bedroom and change the sheets on all the beds. A week ago the idea of putting away half a basket of clothes was beyond me.  I am always glad to have my Mom visit, but I have never before been so glad to have her here.  I’m trying to not wear her out, but being as she is currently in bed with a stomach bug I’m not sure that I’ve succeeded on that front.

Aside from that, I’m just trying to be patient. I feel like I’m close, within a few days, but I’m trying to not think that way because I know how crazy it will make me if I’m wrong. There’s enough happening at the moment to keep me occupied, but once Christmas passes the waiting will feel especially difficult, I suspect. Husband will be back at work, my Mom will still be here if she hasn’t gotten sick of me yet, and all eyes will be on my uterus.

Sleep is really, really terrible. I seem unable to sleep more than a couple hours at a stretch. So I tend to fall asleep at midnight, sleep a couple hours, toss and turn for a couple hours, sleep a couple hours then get up. Then muddle through the morning and take a nap when Greta takes a nap. I am unable to remember how I functioned when I was pregnant with Greta and working full time. This time around, I have developed some sleep apnea as well, and wake up gasping for breath because my throat has closed off.

I am doing my best to try to enjoy my time with the girls, though. MJ is off school for the next two weeks and I’m trying to embrace everything 4. A couple weekends ago her and I met up with Erin and Annie and few other folks at a Holiday High Tea. It’s always so nice to spend some quality alone time with MJ, and makes me remember how special this age is, and how I so often miss it out of frustration or distraction. So I’m making strides, and it is helping. I’m trying to do something special for her or with her each day; the other day I made a scavenger hunt for her. Today it was letting her stay up late to eat cake. These little things have already brought us closer, and I need to keep it up. She’s been changing lately, in good and bad ways, and I see that she’s becoming her future self. I need to be more careful about the paths that I lay down for her. I read something about how the way we talk to our kids becomes their inner voice, and I want her inner voice to be different than the way I’ve been talking to her. So I’m trying to change that.

She’s become more sullen lately, not always the happy and exuberant child but sometimes grumpy or moody, and I’m finding this difficult to adjust to. But that is also making her more human. More of a real person instead of the animated character that is a toddler. She gets sad about friendships at school, or about arguments that DH and I have, and this is what makes her human. So I need to learn to appreciate this, too.

Greta, on the other hand, I’m finding to be just joyous. Trouble making, mess making, but gleeful and happy. I thoroughly enjoy this age, and although I was a little sad when she started walking and left babyhood behind, I’m finding it so fun to see more and more of her personality emerge. She understands quite a lot now, including “time-out” which she has landed herself in all of 3 times for viciously harassing our poor dog. She understands full sentences such as “Go find your sissy, I think she’s upstairs.” She constructs block towers (4 blocks high! and then MJ doesn’t understand why I’m not impressed by the same thing from her…) She loves to wrestle, drag baby dolls around the house and read books non-stop.

She loves her sister, always, and wants to be doing whatever MJ is doing. I find myself sympathizing so much more with Greta as the younger child, when she gets left out of something and is sad about it. I was talking to my Mom about this, who was the oldest, and she similarly sympathizes more with MJ. It’s a part of parenting I had not thought about before.

But these girls are just amazing. I feel lucky to be their mom, and lucky that I am currently past the tough couple weeks in which I was not appreciating anything about being anyones mom. I can’t believe Christmas is in 2 days! I feel like I missed a good two weeks of this Christmas season because of this pregnancy, which makes me sad. I love everything about Christmas, and haven’t gotten to do nearly as much as I had hoped to this year. I guess I still did pretty good, but much of it was a blur. The tree is up, the presents are wrapped and under the tree. The cards are sent. I didn’t think I’d get to those cookies we baked yesterday but was so happy that we did. I would have liked to do more crafts and made the season more magical, but at this moment I feel lucky for having survived. I feel blessed for our warm house (whilst it is VERY cold outside), far too many presents, my health, the help that I’ve had when I have needed it so very much, this baby that will eventually arrive, and for moments of pure joy amongst all the very tough ones.

On a side note, I think I will be moving this blog back to Blogger. My Tumblr experiment has been interesting, but I just don’t like the platform and am thinking of migrating back. I realize I may lose followers (again) but that is just the way of it. Ultimately, this an archive for me, and I find this archival format very frustrating. So look for some changes at some point….

Day 53

I'm sitting here waiting for Greta to wake up.  So that I can feed her and go to bed.  Though now that I think about it, I'm not sure if I'm tired enough to fall asleep.  I'm very tired, mind you, but my brain always has to be in that special place to actually fall asleep.

So a little update.  Without pictures, because that's one step too many.

I've been trying to think how to describe life with two kids.  I often catch myself thinking "And I thought having just an infant was hard".  But MJ has been going to preschool during the day, and I'm with just Greta much of the time, and it still feels hard during those times.  So what is the difference?

With just an infant, you really don't have time to do much of anything other than watch the infant.  Cooking, laundry, cleaning; all difficult because your hands are almost always full with a baby, or you're pumping (in my case) or changing a diaper or rocking.  But you have lots of time to think about all the things you're not doing, because actually watching the baby doesn't take much brain power.

With two, I no longer have time to even think.  I am simply running on auto pilot anytime both children are awake and active.  I am constantly calculating what are realistic expectations to set for MJ, what order to do things in (MJ WANTS FOOD!! GRETA WANTS MILK!!  Who wins?  It's a constant calculation of how to best satisfy everyone).  I don't have time or energy to try to stay patient; I am simply on autopilot and hopefully the kiddos get patient mom today.  Which is entirely dependent on how much sleep I've had, how much coffee, and whether the moon is in the right alignment.  And then, at the end of the day, or for brief moments during the day, I look at everything that hasn't happened.  I think about the fact that it's fall and beautiful.  I think about the birth announcements that are still sitting unsent.  But I don't get nearly as much time to even think about those things when I am watching both girls. 

But all in all, life has been pretty sweet.  I truly don't know how women (or men) that watch an infant and a toddler all day long do it.  At least, if they watch the kiddos and don't have a spouse around.  I assuage my guilt for having MJ in preschool with the knowledge of how very much DH works; he has been gone every evening this week save one, and will be gone every evening next week.  So if I didn't have MJ in preschool during the day I would be solo parenting for entire days most of the time.  I know some women do this.  I think I would lose my mind.

Greta has been interacting more.  Smiling lots, with the exception of these last few days as she battles her first cold.  It makes me glad to be breast feeding (which is really mostly pumping with a little bit of breastfeeding) because it has been a minor cold, and I like to think it's because of that.  I should clarify she smiles a lot when she's fed, changed and awake, which is not for huge chunks of the day. 

She has been sleeping a bit better.  We get 4ish hour stretches rather than 3, which makes a huge difference.  Furthermore, she wakes, eats, and goes back to sleep.  No more middle of the night parties.  I have to acknowledge that she is (usually) amazingly easy to get back to sleep.  The whole idea of "put them down drowsy but awake" actually works on her.  I used to try that with MJ but always ended up rocking/bouncing her to sleep.  I lay Greta down, swaddled with her Nuk, and she just peacefully drifts off to sleep. It's amazing.  Sometimes I wish she needed to be rocked a little more, but I know better than to establish that habit and just thank my lucky stars.  I also know this could change at any time, but I'll take it and hope it continues.

That's about all I've got.  MJ continues to be a great big sister.  This week we ditched the last vestige of diapers; she now sleeps through the night in undies, and we've gone 8 nights with no accidents.  We had her third birthday party last weekend, which I dare say was a blast.  Complete with apple bobbing and a pinata, and lots of crazy toddlers.  I didn't get many pictures because I was too busy hosting, but suffice it to say that MJ got it.  This party was for her. The presents were for her.  This is the first year it has sunk in, and she is now a huge fan of birthdays.  It's probably fair to say that it all went to her head a bit, but maybe that's unavoidable?  When everyone gives you presents and sings to you, you probably just think you're the bomb.  
Alright.  Greta is still not awake, but I am definitely tired enough.  So to sleep I go.

The first month

Apparently I lied, and the birth story is still pending.  Because I haven't even started it yet, so clearly it's not done yet. 

Instead I will share with you the minutiae of Greta's first month on this earth.

She came home two days after she was born, and the next day her Grandmother arrived.  We planned that trip in advance, but the timing worked out perfectly.  Even just one night with two parents and two children was rough, so we were thankful for her arrival.  She stayed for three weeks, and the third week Greta's uncle came out.  We were sad/terrified to see them go, but have adjusted well.  Over the past week, Greta has started to give us a consistent 5 hour stretch at night.  This is usually followed by 2 hours of total wakefulness, and a couple more hours of fitful sleep.  However, a couple nights in the past week she has eaten and then gone straight to back to sleep.  So hopefully that becomes a thing. 

The night of rough sleep is usually followed by MJ waking up at 7 o'clock.  We put a fake clock that has hands permanently at 7 o'clock to put next to her real clock, and have told her she can't leave her room until they match.  It works, sort of. 

Although breastfeeding has been challenging, I am proud to say she hasn't had a drop of formula.  We spent most of our month pumping and bottle feeding, but this past week we've been nursing more.  Last night I nursed her when she woke up, she ate and fell right back asleep.  It was awesome.  I hope it happens again.  I've gone for half a day now without pumping, just breastfeeding, and it seems to go pretty well.  She's still pretty slow, but getting faster, sometimes about 30-40 minutes.  I actually think we might have luck just breastfeeding at this point, but I'm so nervous about having my supply tank that I just don't want to go there.  I'm so used to freezing some every day that if I go a day without I get nervous that my supply is going down.  I've purposely tried to reduce my supply a bit just so I'm more comfortable, and then I found myself nervous and ramped it up again.  It has definitely been a 2-steps-forward 1-step-back endeavor, but we're getting there.  Not sure what our plan is now, we'll just take it day by day and do whatever seems to be working. 

As for Miss Greta, we got our first smile out of her last Friday, two days shy of 4 weeks.  It was absolutely amazing.  Her smiles are still few, but I find myself working hard to earn them.  She's absolutely addicted to her Nuk; not much for swaddling, but it helps keep the Nuk in so she'll tolerate it.  She's been sleeping in a rock n' play next to our bed, has yet to even take a nap in her crib.  We'll get there, I suppose.  Hasn't even crossed my mind to try, yet.  I enjoy having her close.  I have also loved the month of cuddling.  The first week or two I found myself addicted to holding her.  I felt like I was going through withdrawals if I woke up after a stretch of sleep without having her in my arms.  I've become a little more sane about it now.  I spend enough time holding her every day that my arm hurts, and that has been enough to satisfy me.  As much as I have loved this cuddly newborn stage, the smiles have reminded me how much fun there is to come. 

MJ has really been a phenomenal big sister.  No part of her seems jealous of the time or attention that Greta receives.  She loves being helpful, and is expert at helping pop Greta's Nuk back in when she spits it out.  Greta was born with a wound on her hand from sucking on it so much, so the suck reflex is strong in her.  Although at first she was a bit rough with Greta (not in a mean way, just in a rambunctious toddler sort of way) she has become more gentle and seems to understand the need to be calm around her.  I know much will change when Greta is older, but I couldn't ask for a better start to their future relationship. 

It concerns me a bit that no part of me is missing work.  A month spent with an infant; shouldn't I miss the company of adults?  I do miss that a bit, but it's not like I had much company at work, most of it was silent computer stuff.  Three more months to go.  That doesn't sound like enough at this point. Already the thought of leaving this peanut is rough.

That's all I've got for the moment.  As for the photos, I'm hoping that will be easier to sustain than the little signs I made last time.  Only time will tell.  Soon, I'm sure she'll want to knock them over. 

Tradeoffs

Many of you already know this.  But let me tell you a secret:

Two kids is hard. 

It donned on me today, as I strolled through Target to buy some diapers, (Greta has a wicked rash that is not going away, so I've had to stash the cloth) that if we were worse parents we wouldn't be so tired. 

Which is not to suggest that we're amazing parents.  Or that those who don't adhere to some of the things we do are bad parents.  Simply that letting some things go would make life easier.  Specifically, giving into conveniences.  I rarely buy groceries at Target, I usually buy them at the local co-op.  This is a source of tension between hubs and I, because he points out, rightly so, that buying organic is much more expensive.  I maintain that it's important.  Furthermore, I have found that shopping at the co-op has changed my food habits.  I don't really buy convenience foods.  I don't buy much meat.  I cook most things from scratch, or close to it.  I think that establishing good food habits is incredibly important, so I try not to keep a lot of junk food in the house.  I try to cook nutritious foods most nights.  If I let these things go?  My life would be easier.

MJ rarely watches TV.  I think TV has some great aspects to it, I just see what she does when she's not glued to the TV and it seems so much better for her.  She runs.  She plays.  She colors.  She imagines.  It's harder on me, and sometimes I want to stick her in front of the TV.  But I so rarely let her she doesn't even ask me to watch TV anymore, she just plays as, I think, a 3 year old should.  It requires a lot more supervision.  I like to think it's a lot better for her.

These are two big ones in which I feel we are probably not in the norm.  At least not based on what I read on blogs and hear from others.  I was thinking today that I should make a list of priorities, and then cut off the latter half.  Just accept that they will not get done.  Would this make me more sane?  I'm not sure where a lot of things would land.  Showers.  Exercise (for me, MJ gets a lot).  This blog.  It would be hard to rank it all.

As for Greta, babies are pretty easy.  Priority:  keep them from crying.  Breastfeeding.  That's all there really is.  I'm not sure that I think breastfeeding is as important as all the time it takes suggests it should be.  What if I gave up breastfeeding and instead insured all the non-infants get nutritious home made meals?  Which is more important? 

Get ready for an extended metaphor.

Having our first kid was hard.  It was as though, after years of an economy that was gangbusters, a recession hit and we had to cut the budget.  It was painful.  We had to decide what was truly necessary.  But a lot of what was difficult was adjusting to a new normal, where freewheeling spending was not the norm.  Having a second kid, though, is a deepening recession.  We feel as though we've already made the cuts that could be made.  So then what do you cut?  When everything is important, what do you decide is less worthwhile?

Some day my kids may be offended that I compared them to an economic recession.  Which is why my next post will be my birth story, maybe the horror of all that vag talk will distract them.

Survival

We are in full on survival mode.  Today marks three weeks on earth for Greta.  But survival with the second is different than survival with the first.  Survival with the second actually entails a lot more fun, because you force yourself to get out and do fun things to keep your first born's life as normal as possible. 

It also means a lot of things that weren't problematic with the first born become problematic with the second born.  Greta is still not nursing well.  Though we have gotten off the nipple shield (which we started using in the hospital) and she is taking in quite a lot of milk when she nurses, it takes her over an hour to do it, and we usually still have to supplement with some pumped milk afterwards.  With MJ, I could have just sat around and nursed all day.  Not too much of a problem.  Because we still have family in town, I technically could sit around and nurse all day now, but that would essentially mean not spending any time with MJ.  It just doesn't seem worth it.  So I've been pumping and giving her bottles most of the day, and we get in one or two good nursing sessions a day.  I'm hoping that as long as we can continue some amount, then when she gets stronger and less sleepy we can start just nursing rather than having to pump as well.  I'm skeptical at this point that that will ever happen, and we'll see what we're capable of once my mother-in-law leaves on Tuesday.  We're aiming for sanity.  Not sure what form that will take.  On the upside, though, my supply is pretty phenomenal.  If any of you remember my angst ridden posts back in MJ's early days, my supply sucked.  It never got very good.  We had to supplement with formula early on, then we had a few weeks without formula, and then I never managed to keep up and always had to supplement.  This time around, I probably have over 200 ounces frozen (ridiculous!!!) and am actually having some over supply issues.  I had heard that whatever foundation you lay the first time you breastfeed, you build upon that with the second.  I hadn't expected such an increase, but it makes me glad that I continued to try to breastfeed MJ for as long as I did despite our issues, because it seems to have paid off. 

Other ramblings.  I am only awake at this moment because I took a nap earlier, and now I can't sleep.  That is the downside to the "sleep when the baby sleeps" mantra.  MIL's departure coincides with the beginning of a rough stretch of work for DH.  I continue to wonder how I'm going to survive having to pump and give a bottle with every night waking, being awake much of the night and then getting up and being a functional parent with MJ.  All without DH around.  I find the whole concept daunting.  Even just the logistics of pumping and bottle feeding are confusing to me.  How do you console a baby that needs soothing while you're pumping?  It would be nice if I could wake up before she does to pump, but I've tried that and then she wakes up while I'm pumping and melts down.  Oy.  So we need to figure all that out.  She is not a great sleeper.  I know she's still very much in the realm of normal, but we've been getting a 3-hr, 3-hr, 2-hr pattern nightly for a while now.  She sleeps a ton during the day, we're just trying to convince her to move it to night time.  MJ was such a phenomenal sleeper so early on that we were spoiled.  If we could just get some 4 hour stretches I think it would make a world of difference. 

As for MJ, she's doing phenomenal.  She's sweet to her sister, loves to help, and is generally just a great kid.  She seems to have a harder time separating from us than she did, which I'm not shocked by.  Her tantrums have been more intense, and she's just been more emotional in general.  But I'm not sure if I attribute that to having a new baby, or just to her age. 

We got a date night last night, it was amazing!  In general it seems too early to be leaving Greta, but I know we won't get another chance for quite a long time, so DH's mom watched the girls for us.  It was absolutely phenomenal to spend some time with just DH.  It's nice to remember sometimes how this all began. 

Wither goeth the bottle?

Mj is about 2 years and 3 months of age.  And she still uses a bottle.

I feel like this is confessional.  And that I'm getting many a side eye.

She falls asleep with her bottle every night.  And for every nap.

More side eye.  Tooth decay!  Oh my!

In truth, she falls asleep with a bottle of water.  So no tooth decay.  She started doing this a very long time ago (in toddler time; maybe at about 7 months of age?)  She no longer wanted her pacifier, just her bottle.  And with it she slept.  So we ran with it.

But for how long?  Every night I ask myself this question.  But she NEEDS that bottle.  It soothes her.  It calms her.

But it rolls out of her bed now, sometimes a couple times a night (and sometimes not at all).  So I would really like it to be gone.  Or at least, replaced by something that doesn't fall out of bed.  Though, on the upside, I can hear the loud THUMP when it hits the floor, indicating it is time to go root around in the dark until I find it.

Why aren't there manuals for these children?  Much as I begroan the automated help line you get when calling some companies, I would really love one of those for children.

But goodness is she a strong willed child.  I KNOW this would be a huge battle.  Is it worth it?  To remove something we know soothes her and makes for easy bedtimes?

(Only 4 days in and already a day behind.  I was never good at doing anything cold turkey, always much better at the gradual approach, so starting daily blogging cold turkey may have been a little much.)

My tiny Neanderthal

My head is a bit mushy this morning, likely from spending an entire weekend with a raging toddler. DH worked all weekend, so, with the exception of a few outings, it was MJ and I, one on one. I was desperately looking forward to this weekend. No real errands or commitments that needed to happen. Beautiful weather. An escape from the confines of the indoors.

And it was all that, but spending all weekend with a creature that is very mobile but barely vocal can make a person feel soft in the head. When she was first born, I often wondered when she would surpass our dog in intelligence. I think that happened at about 8 or 9 months of age. I now think she has the intelligence of some sort of early human or primate. Not that I really know what the true intelligence of these creatures are. But there are lots of grunts, little sense of personal hygiene (by our modern standards) and a desire to destroy things. This seems to be in line with what I've learned about Neanderthals from Geico commercials.

We're constantly told by strangers, family and friends how "energetic" MJ is. It seems that way to us, too, but she's our only data point. So a few weeks ago, after a particularly shriek-filled, catastrophe-filled few days with MJ, my husband asked our daycare director if MJ was the most energetic child they'd seen. She laughed and said no, clearly indicating she's not even close to the most energetic child she's seen. But she followed it up by saying "She's the most fearless."

As if to illustrate this point, MJ decided to climb the chain ladder at the playground yesterday. It's about a 6 foot tall ladder, and I didn't think she could get past the first couple rungs, so I watched (and positioned myself to catch). She got all the way to the top, but couldn't climb onto the platform. So what did she do? She let go.

I caught her. But how do you instill fear in a child that doesn't seem to have any? My operating principle so far has been to encourage minor injuries, so she can learn her own limitations. It has worked pretty well, and she has fear of many things she should have fear of, and will now make sure she has good footing on stools and stairs. But she is getting to the point of major injuries, not minor injuries. I had hoped that her learning stairs can be scary would translate to her understanding that 6 foot tall ladders can be scary. But that mental jump is too much, apparently.

Indecision.

Clearly I don't know what I want.  All week I fantasized about being a stay at home mom, sparked, in part, by a conversation with my advisor about my lack of PhD progress.  This is not new, I knew this, but I like to forget it.  DH called me out when he saw my internet history, in which I had googled "how do you decide to become a stay at home mom."

But then, a weekend of hubs working and solo parenting makes me long to go back to work.  I love this little girl, but she is just so exhausting.  Within her first hour of being awake she had:
- Torn all the clean clothes from the laundry basket and scattered them around the house.
- Dumped a jar of oats on the floor.
- Dumped a bag of dry beans on the floor.
- Had a (oh-so-heart-wrenching) temper tantrum when I insisted her oatmeal cool down before she could eat it.
- Climbed on top of the end table.
- Fallen off the couch.

This in addition to the run-of-the-mill tear-her-books-off-the-shelf, throw-half-her-food-on-the-floor and take-everything-out-of-the-cupboards daily routine.

By noon I was ready for her to go to sleep for the night.

How do stay at home mom's do it?  I know they say to set one goal a day, and that's what I do.  But if I don't get her out of the house we both go nuts.  Though getting her out of the house is just as exhausting since she won't sit in grocery carts or high chairs. I supposed I need to become a more patient person.  And stop trying to accomplish anything, because the moment I sat down and played with her my stress (mostly) went away.

Fancy pants

It is a lamentable fact that adults wearing patterned pants almost always look foolish. There are exceptions, clearly, but it is almost certain that you don't fall into that category. However, babies wearing patterned pants is another thing entirely. We are letting MJ get her fill of fancy pants while it is still socially acceptable. Maybe this way she won't feel compelled to wear this:

We have all survived.

It was one of those weekends, preceded by one of those weeks, which was also preceded by one of those weekends.  It was a relentless string of difficult moments, and we have all come through it unscathed. 

Last weekend DH worked, leaving me to solo childcare.  He recently finished his residency, meaning he recently entered the realm of people with more normal, less hellish work hours.  Meaning I have recently discovered how much easier it is to have a child when you have the help of a spouse.  I'm certain being a single mother is more difficult than this past year has been for us, but much of the time I've come close.  The combination of having a spouse who works all the time and having no family nearby makes for exhausting weeks.

Since June, DH has had a more normal schedule.  And I have been soaking in the luxury of a 2-parent household.  Last weekend was a brief return to having him gone all the time, and a reminder of how much easier our life has become. 

On Monday, after DH had been up for 15 hours, MJ had a fever, forcing us to keep her home.  Since last week was my last week of teaching, and I had gotten nothing done all weekend, he had to stay with her.  This was followed by the week of sick.  MJ was in and out of daycare, after we thought she was better and it turns out she was not.  Tuesday evening took me to the ER, for fear of appendicitis that turned out to be an unfortunate combination of unrelated symptoms.  I didn't get admitted, but I did get Dilaudid.  Can't say I understand the appeal. 

Thursday brought a 104 degree fever to MJ and a concerned visit to the pediatrician.  She had an ear infection.  We started her on antibiotics.  We joined our neighbors at their cabin, somewhat regretting the decision when MJ spent two-thirds of the weekend screaming and I continued to recover from the stomach pains that landed me in the ER in the first place.

But on Saturday night, the calm returned.  Or the beginning of the calm.  Not really calm, exactly, since that hasn't existed in 10+ months.  But joy.  I finally felt better.  Yesterday, MJ returned.  We remembered what it's like to have a happy kid.  We really did have a glorious weekend, if you discount the screaming.  We feel so lucky to have met such fun people, who live so close, whose children are so close in age to MJ.  Who will not be leaving in the near future to follow a string of post-docs, as so many of our friends are going to soon start doing. But the return of our joyous, happy, rambunctious child was really the best part.  And the fact that DH and I got through this hellish week with few arguments and even some fond memories. 

My baby can share

I've been prepping all sorts of lovely posts lately.  But I had my proudest mama moment the other night and it simply trumps everything.

MJ shared with me.  We were sitting on our patio soaking in the hot-hot-heat, while MJ sat on my lap eating Cheerios out of a bowl in my hand.  I was curious if she would give me any.  So I opened my mouth and went "Ahhh" ala-dentist style.  She looked confused at first.  Why does Mom want my Cheerios?  But after a moment of scrunched-up-face-pondering she crammed her grimy little baby hand in my mouth.  It wasn't easy to eat Cheerios this way, and I understand why half end up on the floor.  But?  But?  MORE importantly, she shared. 

So then we spent the rest of the bowl sharing.  She would put some in my mouth, I would put some in her mouth.  It was such a HUMAN moment.  Vito would NEVER have shared his food with me if I asked.  Rolling over: cool.  Sitting up: alright.  Crawling: entertaining.  But sharing?  It's the first on a long road to the real person we're raising.  Perhaps she's been capable of this for a while and I just didn't realize it, but it made me all glowy inside.

I shared this story with Grandma (and everyone I know, really); she raised doubts that this can really be considered sharing.  It's not sharing if it's Mom, apparently.  But I don't care, I'm going to insist on thinking my child is capable of empathy.

The cuddle quota

I've never read this in a parenting book.  Which means it must be wrong, because if it hasn't made it to a parenting book yet then it is either 1) a ridiciculous myth your mother told you 2) a lie you read on a messaging forum or 3) an idiotic idea you came up with yourself.  This falls under the third category.  Maybe I'll just go write a parenting book, so it will then be parenting-book-approved. 

See over in my side bar?  Where it says "about me" and it says my baybee sleeps a lot?  Through the night even?  No longer true.  That sidebar is now a liar.  For ~2 months now MJ wakes up at least once or twice a night.  I realize that's still pretty good in the sleep department, but we were spoiled.  I've adjusted to the new norm, it's fine, I get a little more MJ time, blah, bla bla (more lies I tell myself.)  But I have a new theory.  I call this theory the "cuddle quota" (sounds like a good parenting book title, no?)

She started sleeping poorly right around the same time that she became very active and alert.  And since she started crawling, about 2 weeks ago, putting her to sleep has been a nightmare.  She screams, she wails.  It's really, really awful. 

But yesterday, after an evening with friends that included lots of Moby wearing, she went to sleep instantly.  This morning she woke up at 5; I brought her into bed with me, gave her a bottle and she fell right back asleep.  I'm curious now if she hasn't been getting enough cuddle time.  She used to be held all day long; now she won't tolerate it, but by the end of the day, maybe her cuddle tank is empty.  I know that if I don't get enough cuddle time I feel... off.  Not as happy.  Could it be that my baby is experiencing the same thing?  By forcing her into the Moby, despite her desire to crawl around, I was forcing more cuddling on her.  By doing some early morning co-sleeping she gets even more cuddle time.

Right now this is one data point.  And ya'll know my love of data points. But thinking back, it seems the nights she gets lots of cuddling she sleeps great, so it's really one data point that agrees with heresay (is that better or worse?)  My plan is to put this plan into action.  And write a parenting book about it.  Even if it doesn't work.

Since I can't be productive today...

I had planned on a long, full day in the lab.  But the argon tank is empty (fascinating, no?) so I can't run anything.  So instead?  I'll update.

I sometimes forget that this blog is as much about documenting MJ's life as it is an outlet and soapbox for me.  And you know what?  I haven't done much updating lately.

Yesterday, MJ sort of crawled.  I'm not sure if it counts yet, but she's finally able to go forward.  For months now she has been scooting backward.  Back in February DH made a bet that it would happen within a week.  And you know what?  It didn't.  Man, I really should have bet money on that one.  And it is good.  I always said I'd be perfectly content if she was a late crawler, but in the past several weeks her grumpiness has been grumpier than my grumpiness (meaning: very grumpy).  She has been so frustrated by her inability to get at what she wants, but now that she can move in the direction she wants she's less grumpy.  She's still slow at getting where she wants to go, but she can manage it.

And so, I am trying to become cleaner.  It is very, very hard.  As a working mama I have accepted that our house will be chaotic.  But now, I can't even do that.  Because chaos=not baby proofed.  And she loves to lick everything: the stool, the heating grate, my laptop, DH's shoe...  I realize these things won't kill her, and once she discovers something's not food she generally leaves it alone (kind of like the dog.)  Such as grass: at first she tried to eat it, but after realizing that even broccoli tasted better she became content to just play with it.  And by play with it, I mean rip out all the grass in her tiny-12-inch-arm-radius.  So we have little circles of torn out grass in the yard, (crop circles?  aliens?) but at least she's learning to like the outdoors, no?

In other baby news, she is a great eater.  Here is our list of things she will happily eat: peas, carrots, butternut squash, zucchini, sweet potatos, parsnips, green beans, avocado, bananas, and BROCCOLI!  (note: blogger wants me to add an "e" to "potatos" but I resisted.)  Broccoli is a huge coup for me, because I hate it.  In fact, I'm a bit of a picky eater (though SO much better than I used to be).  And so I have made it a goal to have her become a good eater early on.  As part of this goal, I have been making her baby food, which allows more texture and variety than what you can find in the jarred baby food.  My Mom (generously) bought us the Beaba Babycook.  It's spendy, I'm not going to lie.  And probably not necessary, but it does make the whole process much easier.  I can make a batch while I'm making dinner, and it's so whip!bang!boom! done.  Furthermore, unlike most grinders out there (we have the magic bullet) you have more control on how well ground you make the food.  It's not all or nothing, so I've been able to gradually make her food more lumpy.

And it makes me feel good.  Now that I'm not breastfeeding, I feel like this is one small thing I can do to make sure she eats well.  So I send her with food everyday to daycare, rather than relying on the food they provide.  And (one of the many reasons I LOVE our daycare) they don't act like I'm putting them out by slightly complicating their feeding routine.  They are always very good about honoring the requests of the parents.  We haven't introduced many fruits yet, largely because we haven't had to.  I really wanted her to eat veggies first, so that she didn't yet know there are tastier foods out there.  We added (lots of) formula and rice cereal in the beginning in order to make them more palatable, then gradually reduced it until now she just eats straight veggies.

7 months...

... and what a month it's been. First tooth ::bam:: Second tooth ::bam:: First vacation as a family. First swimming.  First sand. First grass. First clap. First pull up (she pulled herself up guys! It was amazing...)


On Friday, MJ saw her first fire. Our neighbors, who have also become good friends, invited us over for a bonfire in their backyard. MJ. Was. Stoked. If she could have spoken she would have said something like this...

"You guys. Do you see this? Seriously! How can you talk at a time like this? Do you see what's going on over there? I have NEVER seen anything like this. And IT. IS. COOL. Man I want to touch it... if only Mom would move me closer. Damn these legs... why don't they work yet. Guys? Guys? WHY ARE YOU NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE AMAZING THING GOING ON OVER THERE!!"

Yesterday we *finally* put the swing away. I know. We are TERRIBLE parents for still letting our kid nap in the swing. DH wanted to find another, bigger swing; he did NOT want to give up on the swing. But it has a 20 lb weight limit, and she is now reaching out and grabbing hold of the bars to stop it, so it really wasn't working anymore. Needless to say, yesterday was rough. She would NOT nap in her crib. She usually naps okay in the crib, but I think she decided to go on strike.

She's been a bit of a pill lately. I think she's frustrated; I remember a similar trend before she figured out how to roll over. This time, she sees things she wants but can't get to them, and it pisses her off. And so, for the first time, I find myself having to parent. I see her frustrated. I see why she's frustrated. Do I fix it for her? Or do I let her be frustrated so that she learns how to crawl? Ultimately, you go with your gut. I let her get frustrated, but not too frustrated. Where is the line? I don't know, but I know it when I see it. Is it the correct line? I don't know, and I'll probably never know.