Working? (aka full term)

I had my performance review yesterday.  It was mediocre.  I have been mediocre.  It was also a probationary review, because I started here just over 6 months ago and that's how long my probationary period lasts.  After that I'm fully unionized and, you know, unions.  Love them or hate them, it is true that it's harder to fire a union employee.  So they make sure they like you before it's too hard to fire you.  

So, despite the fact that I’m mediocre and very pregnant and about to leave for several months, they are keeping me.  There was a small part of me that almost wanted them to let me go so that I have an excuse to not be here.  This is probably part of what makes me mediocre.  Also, I’m only here 75% of the time, so I simply don’t get as much done as other folks.  And I’m just not that excited about this job.  It’s good but not great.  I still see the potential for it to get a lot better, and part of the reason it hasn’t been great is just circumstances beyond anyone’s control.  Projects that haven’t gone as planned.  What is great is the hours.  And the flexibility.  It fits in so well with our family.  I feel like I still get to see my daughter a ton, and yet it keeps me sane and keeps my skills up.  Even though I don’t love it, I never dread it, so that’s something.  And, like I said, I keep hoping it will get better. 

It is a new thing to me, though, to be mediocre and be 100% fine with that.  While I’ve been okay with not being the best, I like to do good work and earn awards and accolades.  Now?  I just don’t care.  Does that do a disservice to women in the workplace?  I don’t really know, but it’s something I think about.  I hate to fit the stereotype, but here I am, fitting the stereotype.  Does that bother anyone else?

The other reason I’m mediocre right now, is that I’m just very pregnant.  I’m uncomfortable.  I’m distracted.  I don’t want to start new projects.  I hope that each day at the office will be my last for a long while. 

Things are starting to feel very close.  As I may have mentioned, I have it firmly lodged in my head that I will go early.  I wish I didn’t have this in my head, because I may still have a month (or a little more!) left.  This is, I think, the hardest part of pregnancy.  The discomfort isn’t great, but it doesn’t mess with my head.  The waiting messes with my head.  Each day could be like any other, or could be completely life changing.  If you walked out of your house in the morning and had a 0.5% chance (my current odds of going into labor on any given day) of your life changing in a dramatic, important and permanent way, wouldn’t that be hard to live with?  And what about when it becomes a 5% chance, the odds once I get closer to 40 weeks?  It’s not enough of a chance to plan for, and not enough of a chance to ignore.  That’s where my head’s at. 

I recently found this awesome website:

http://spacefem.com/pregnant/charts/duedate0.php

If you are as obsessed with labor statistics as I am at this moment, check it out.  This woman has a simple survey to compile statistics, and currently has over 2300 respondents.  Although there are some statistical issues with this method, there are with any method, and as her number of respondents goes up I think it becomes a more and more powerful tool.  Among the more interesting parts is her finding that second time moms actually go into labor, on average, later than they did with their first.  This means I would go into labor close to 41 weeks, not early. 

I pulled out my birth books the other day.  I read through MJ’s birth story.  That’s the first time I’ve read it in a long, long time and I came away feeling a lot more upbeat about the whole thing.  I forgot how low her heartrate got.  I forgot how much distress she was in.  One thing I have decided is that puking was the worst part of labor, not pain.  I avoided anti-nausea medications last time, because I didn’t want meds, and this time I’ve decided I’ll do whatever I can to avoid the nausea, because that’s what put me over the edge. 

I’ve also started to become a bit nervous about my water breaking unexpectedly.  It’s fairly rare (~10%) for your water to break before labor begins, but that’s what actually started my labor last time.  It may have been a random occurrence, or it may be how I labor.  I won’t know until it happens, and I’m hoping it won’t happen in public.  In addition, once my water broke, my labor was on.  So I’m nervous that I’ll get stuck somewhere, with hubs working an hour away in the middle of a long shift he can’t just leave, me with MJ and in so much pain I can’t drive.  These are the things I fret about. 

My mom visited for the past week and left yesterday.  It was so nice to have her here.  The help and the distraction were much appreciated.  We got the nursery ~85% complete; I’m excited to post pictures but want to wait until it’s done.  So you may have to wait for some finishing touches. 

And now that my Mom has left MJ must just deal with me.  I’m just a lump these days, and I feel bad for her.  Yesterday I tried to take MJ and Vito for a walk.  I seriously made it two blocks and nearly cried in pain.  Round ligament pain, I think.  I had to sit down on some random guy’s lawn to collect myself, then hobbled back home with dog and toddler, barely containing myself.  I’m sure that most people who saw me thought I was having contractions, because I am that pregnant and was clearly in that much pain.  But what kind of crazy person would take their toddler and dog for a walk while having contractions?  So my abilities are severely limited right now.  My legs feel restless from lack of activity, but the rest of my body just can’t handle it. 

Also, lots of cramping this week, but no real contractions.  At my midwife appointment yesterday I was 4-5 cm dilated at the outside and 1-2 on the inside (so essentially 1-2 cm).  It’s nice to know that all this pain is at least getting me somewhere and accomplishing something.  Up 43 pounds.  Down a lot of sleep.  It happened suddenly, but starting about 5 days ago sleep got really, really crappy.  I have discovered, though, that since the weather cooled down I can deal with this pregnancy thing a lot better.  Just trying to take it one day at a time.  One week at a time.  One midwife appointment at a time.  Trying very hard not to wish this time away, because I know full well how precious it is.  Like I said, it’s just the not knowing.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate this time, but the suspense is sometimes too much.  Coupled with the discomfort. 

36 weeks.

I should start this post by saying that I won't be offended if you want to step away from my blog for the next few weeks.  I know I'm being whiny.  I know deep down that I'm lucky and my discomforts are minor and temporary.  But this is my blog, and therefore this is where I whine.

Today's appointment was an odd one, mostly because it was the first one I've taken MJ to.  And because I had an internal exam that I forgot about.  I always try to shower for those.  Oops.

The appointment started with me peeing in a cup.  I find it odd that my midwife practice makes me do this at every appointment.  Is this normal for other folks?  During MJ's pregnancy (in a completely different office) I remember maybe once or twice being checked for protein.  I can't help but think this is just a ratcheting up of health care costs with unnecessary tests.

MJ was pretty fascinated by the concept of peeing in a cup.  She was only willing to go potty afterwards if I promised her that she did not have to pee in a cup.

The exam was fine, and thankfully MJ listened and sat in the chair (next to my head) for the actual exam.  I'm not too worried about traumatizing her, but I'm certain she would share whatever she learned with anyone who will listen at the 4th of July party, thus traumatizing me.  Mostly she just liked that it was an actual doctor's office, with an examining table, stethoscope, etc., just like in her books.

I'm up 41.5 pounds, which is half a pound in the last two weeks.  A much more respectable weight gain than the rest of my pregnancy, thankfully.  Furthermore, I'm 75% effaced and "baby is really low".  The midwife didn't use any words like engaged, etc., but kept reiterating that she was really low, asking if I felt like she was low.  I have been wondering this, given the random (and crippling) shooting pains in my pelvis.  It doesn't really feel like she dropped, because my belly seems to be in the same place.  But hearing this makes me at least feel like I'm not crazy for feeling like I'm so close.  I realize that these numbers don't really mean anything, I could still deliver at 42 weeks, but that's progress I don't have to worry about making later.

I am entering the bitching stage of pregnancy (I may have been in it for a while).  I am not a glowing pregnant lady.  Until recently I've at least been a happy pregnant lady, but I'm past that, too.  I've been whining a lot.  And grumbling a lot.  About the heat.  About pelvic pain.  About peeing ALLTHETIME.  About round ligament pain, which is much worse than last time around.  Probably because I had so much back and hip pain I was largely immobile (in that I simply didn't move) and didn't have the opportunity for the weight of my belly to be a problem.

I know this is nature's way of making us glad for the approaching discomfort that is labor and having a newborn.  When labor was done last time, I recall thinking how much better that was than pregnancy.  Having a newborn seemed so much more pleasant than being pregnant.  But labor and newbornhood is tough, so late pregnancy HAS to suck this much or we wouldn't feel this way.

I've discussed this theory of mine with other women.  I don't think most of them agree.

In other news, our mice are back.  Aren't they supposed to be living outside in the Minnesota summer while they can?  Also, our dining room lights no longer work and our third floor shower leaks into my daughter's bedroom.  I love having a 109 year old house.

(almost) 96 degrees and (almost) 36 weeks

Top ten things about being really pregnant when it's really hot.
1) swollen feet can only fit in flip flops anyway.
2) ice cream. All the time.
3) not only do I not have the energy to cook, but it's simply too hot. Two birds, one stone.
4) knowing that strapping a newborn to my chest would probably be even hotter. Enjoy it while it lasts.
5) swimming cools you off and makes you feel weightless. Bird, stone.
6) ice cream. All the time.
7) toddlers are usually willing to pick up everything off the floor that I can no longer reach. (not relevant but whatevs)
8) I'm having a really hard time thinking of ten things.
9) you'd be peeing a lot from all the water you have to ingest anyway? Bird, stone.
10) no need to wear pants. Ever.
This and two and six are really the only ones that count.

Cleaning out the fridge.

The fridge being my brain.  I feel the need to update, but can't seem to find the motivation for a full-commitment, well thought out post.  So you'll get the crusty stale things that get cleaned out of my brain simply because they can't stay in there any longer.  Sounds appetizing, no?

1.  This pregnancy is going quickly.  I judge this, somewhat, based on how little progress I've made on the nursery.  I wanted to be done by 25 weeks, but I'm not even done painting the crib yet, which I've been working on for about a month now.  Oy.

2.  I love my pedometer.  I'm pretty sure that's like saying "I love support hose", i.e. not something you're really supposed to admit.  But I feel like when I get a lot of steps in it rewards me, and when I am a lazy bum it chides me.  Considering all I'm really up to at present is walking, it at least keeps me moving.  Good pedometer.

3.  I have been trying to avoid saying I hate my job, but I kind of don't like it.  I am trying to be grateful, and patient, and hope that things will get better.  I love my co-workers.  I think that in time it could become great, but I'm coming to realize I don't know how long that will be.  As it stands now, all day, every day, I work on reports.  Very long reports.  For months at a time, the same report.  It is often mind-numbingly boring.  I know that work is not always supposed to be fun, but I have had plenty of other jobs.  There are always pluses and minuses, but currently there are very few pluses.  The number reason I find my motivation is that MJ is currently THRIVING at preschool and I couldn't justify keeping her home with me.  So I might as well work.   But once I have another?  It's going to be hard to justify leaving her to go to a job I don't like very well.  I know you're not supposed to say this sort of thing to the internet, because it's bound to get back to someone who it shouldn't get back to, but that's what's on my mind.  Internet, are you tired of hearing me complain about my various jobs yet?  Because there's been a lot of that this year, I hope it will end soon.

4.  Yes, MJ is thriving.  Her teacher is AMAZING.  While I didn't come up with this description, her teacher reminds me of a very gentle and kind Mary Poppins with flaming red hair.  Every day I drop her off or pick her up they are doing something that looks joyous and educational.  They are pretending to be airplanes.  Or learning about caterpillars, followed by a snack of everything the hungry caterpillar eats.  They have butterfly cocoons in their classroom.  They are always reading.  They are always learning and it seems every bit of fun has a lesson couched within it.  I think MJ is in love.  She has become better at sharing, she has learned new things that she comes home and tells me and she enjoys every moment of it.  I realize "school" isn't necessary at 2 1/2, but the strides I see her taking make me question that.  At least for her, I know the right thing is not for her to stay home with me.

5.  I am psyched that my discovery of insoles for my shoes has cured me of back pain.  But I'm little perplexed about summer footwear.  I've been wearing Tom's without socks, and now my shoes just stink.  But I can't put insoles into sandals.  ::dilemma::

6.  My husband has been amazing lately.  So helpful, so present.  It has brought much peace to our household.

7.  There are so many things I'm trying to fit in before the baby comes.  As much friend time as possible, because I feel like we'll be house bound without much social life for a long time.  Lots of cooking, because I found it near impossible when MJ came along (particularly once she was mobile.)

8.  Some of my favorite recipes from this last week:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/18/dining/basic-pizza-dough-recipe.html
http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2012/03/petite-vanilla-scones/
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Arugula-Bacon-and-Gruyere-Bread-Pudding-350898

9.  It's intriguing to me how the more interesting my daughter becomes the less I have to say about her.  It's almost like words can no longer capture the person she's become so often I don't even try.  Pictures probably do a better job.  I am so proud of her, which is a feeling I haven't really had until recently.  She is compassionate with other children, and (usually) when she does something to upset someone she will feel awful about it and start crying herself.  She is independent and feisty, and prefers to do everything by herself that she possibly can.  She's not violent, she's good at sharing and she's curious about everything around her.  Granted, she's 2, so none of these are all encompassing adjectives.  But, in my limited experience with 2 year olds, she seems to be doing well at these things (not that I'm biased or anything).  And I guess I'm proud of her because I see her figuring these things out for herself.  We've played some role, I'm sure, through parenting, but I see her making most of these strides on her own.  It's kind of hard to have such an independent 2 year old, but it's so fascinating to watch what she's capable of already.

10.  MJ had her first dentist visit today.  As I suspected, it was mostly a waste of time.  But I guess now it's a little more familiar, so should she ever need to visit she might do better?  She let them stick their hands in there and polish a bit, which I guess is all you can expect of a 2 year old.  She was interested in it all, but after about 10 minutes was too antsy to sit in the chair and could only think about the playground I had promised her after.  All in all, a fairly uneventful milestone in her young life.  20 teeth, no signs of cavities.

10.  My fridge is exhausted.  It's not really clean, but I guess the things that had to be taken out were.

Riling up the internet.

I'm feeling feisty today.  I know I have a tendency towards "feisty" at times, and probably less kind descriptions as well.  Usually I don't realize it, but sometimes I do. 

Anyone tend to pick fights when they're feeling this way?  Maybe I'm the only one.  In the spirit of redirecting my energy, I found myself picking fights with the internet today.  With unknown strangers.  Just to get my feistiness out.  I used to view my blog as a place to vent, but with so many of my friends and family now reading it, it leaves me little space to just let out words.  Things that don't make sense.  Things that shouldn't be said but which one still feels the need to say. 

So I ask, where do you get your feistiness out?  Although some of you are probably too kind for this sort of behavior, I know many of you, and you must have your moments.  What is your favorite place, virtual or real, to let loose your inner b!tch?

The inner workings of a toddler

I am tired today.  So tired that I find it hard to concentrate on those things I should be concentrating on.  On the way in this morning, my husband told me he thinks it's bogus that when I'm tired I suck at thinking critically.  But that's how my head works.  And so you get a blog post.

A blog post about me wondering why my child won't sleep.  It's been a rough month.  We travelled out west, and the time change and festivities messed with MJ's sleep schedule.  So be it.  Then we returned, and she started back at daycare, and did really well.  Not waking up much at all, sleeping until 7 in the morning.

And then she got sick.  Puking.  Lots of puking.  Puking in my hair.  Puking in our bed.  Poor thing, I felt bad for her.  She still slept pretty good, considering.  Then husband went away for a week.  As soon as she got over the puking she picked up some sort of cough-hack-virus.  Husband says to me "But she just got sick!"  as though that should insulate her from getting sick again.  So I said to the virus "Virus, she just got sick, give her a break."  Funny how Mr. Virus didn't listen.  And she coughed, and my Mama-Brain feared she would stop breathing in the night.  So if she cried, I brought her into our bed. 

And she barely slept. 

Go to sleep late.  *cough*  Wake up.  Move to Mama's bed.  *cough*  Wake Up Early.  *cough* Wake Mama Up Early.  *cough*  Refuse to nap.  *cough*  She is now over the virus.  And she is still up all the time.  She wants to play!  We get her to sleep, put her in her crib, and an hour later she is awake again.  *cough*  *Play!*

So I am tired.  I would like to blame this on a cognitive change.  The number of times I have googled "cognitive develoment of a ___ month old" is somewhat embarrassing.  I fear this is the beginnings of a fussy toddler.  There is much shrieking and flailing happening, day and night alike.  We tried a bit of cry it out last night.  But we have a very determined little child, and I don't think I have a night of screaming in me.  How do you reason with a toddler? 

::grumble::

I love me some Minnesota spring... but seriously?