Day 53

I'm sitting here waiting for Greta to wake up.  So that I can feed her and go to bed.  Though now that I think about it, I'm not sure if I'm tired enough to fall asleep.  I'm very tired, mind you, but my brain always has to be in that special place to actually fall asleep.

So a little update.  Without pictures, because that's one step too many.

I've been trying to think how to describe life with two kids.  I often catch myself thinking "And I thought having just an infant was hard".  But MJ has been going to preschool during the day, and I'm with just Greta much of the time, and it still feels hard during those times.  So what is the difference?

With just an infant, you really don't have time to do much of anything other than watch the infant.  Cooking, laundry, cleaning; all difficult because your hands are almost always full with a baby, or you're pumping (in my case) or changing a diaper or rocking.  But you have lots of time to think about all the things you're not doing, because actually watching the baby doesn't take much brain power.

With two, I no longer have time to even think.  I am simply running on auto pilot anytime both children are awake and active.  I am constantly calculating what are realistic expectations to set for MJ, what order to do things in (MJ WANTS FOOD!! GRETA WANTS MILK!!  Who wins?  It's a constant calculation of how to best satisfy everyone).  I don't have time or energy to try to stay patient; I am simply on autopilot and hopefully the kiddos get patient mom today.  Which is entirely dependent on how much sleep I've had, how much coffee, and whether the moon is in the right alignment.  And then, at the end of the day, or for brief moments during the day, I look at everything that hasn't happened.  I think about the fact that it's fall and beautiful.  I think about the birth announcements that are still sitting unsent.  But I don't get nearly as much time to even think about those things when I am watching both girls. 

But all in all, life has been pretty sweet.  I truly don't know how women (or men) that watch an infant and a toddler all day long do it.  At least, if they watch the kiddos and don't have a spouse around.  I assuage my guilt for having MJ in preschool with the knowledge of how very much DH works; he has been gone every evening this week save one, and will be gone every evening next week.  So if I didn't have MJ in preschool during the day I would be solo parenting for entire days most of the time.  I know some women do this.  I think I would lose my mind.

Greta has been interacting more.  Smiling lots, with the exception of these last few days as she battles her first cold.  It makes me glad to be breast feeding (which is really mostly pumping with a little bit of breastfeeding) because it has been a minor cold, and I like to think it's because of that.  I should clarify she smiles a lot when she's fed, changed and awake, which is not for huge chunks of the day. 

She has been sleeping a bit better.  We get 4ish hour stretches rather than 3, which makes a huge difference.  Furthermore, she wakes, eats, and goes back to sleep.  No more middle of the night parties.  I have to acknowledge that she is (usually) amazingly easy to get back to sleep.  The whole idea of "put them down drowsy but awake" actually works on her.  I used to try that with MJ but always ended up rocking/bouncing her to sleep.  I lay Greta down, swaddled with her Nuk, and she just peacefully drifts off to sleep. It's amazing.  Sometimes I wish she needed to be rocked a little more, but I know better than to establish that habit and just thank my lucky stars.  I also know this could change at any time, but I'll take it and hope it continues.

That's about all I've got.  MJ continues to be a great big sister.  This week we ditched the last vestige of diapers; she now sleeps through the night in undies, and we've gone 8 nights with no accidents.  We had her third birthday party last weekend, which I dare say was a blast.  Complete with apple bobbing and a pinata, and lots of crazy toddlers.  I didn't get many pictures because I was too busy hosting, but suffice it to say that MJ got it.  This party was for her. The presents were for her.  This is the first year it has sunk in, and she is now a huge fan of birthdays.  It's probably fair to say that it all went to her head a bit, but maybe that's unavoidable?  When everyone gives you presents and sings to you, you probably just think you're the bomb.  
Alright.  Greta is still not awake, but I am definitely tired enough.  So to sleep I go.

Head full of crazy

I spend a lot of time in my head.  Although I work half time, I spend only one day a week in an office, and the rest of the time I either work from home or am with MJ.  And since DH works a lot of nights and weekends, that means lots of one on one time with a toddler.

Particularly at the end of a day where it's just been me and her all day, I start to feel like I'm losing touch with reality.  Talking to a toddler is much like talking to a crazy person.  Part of what they say makes sense, but you have to wade through piles of non-sensical blather and barely understandable ranting to get to it.  I usually don't even realize I'm losing touch until I have a real interaction with a real person.  By real person, I mean adult.  And then the non-craziness of talking to a logical human being reminds me how crammed full of crazy my head is.

This is among the reasons that I think going back to work will be a good thing for me.  The lack of interaction is isolating.  I tried for a while to meet mom's at meetups, and I met some great ladies that way.  But even then you can't REALLY have meaningful conversations, because you're constantly being interrupted by TODDLER CRAZY and trying to make sure there is no destruction happening.  And I find, in the end, that I identify more with working moms.  I can't get over the "is this all there is?" feeling of watching a toddler all the time.  I love it, I just need something more. 

Lately, I've been having a lot of too-much-toddler-slowly-going-crazy time.  I look forward to the holidays, and family, and some more people around to share the crazy.

The inner workings of a toddler

I am tired today.  So tired that I find it hard to concentrate on those things I should be concentrating on.  On the way in this morning, my husband told me he thinks it's bogus that when I'm tired I suck at thinking critically.  But that's how my head works.  And so you get a blog post.

A blog post about me wondering why my child won't sleep.  It's been a rough month.  We travelled out west, and the time change and festivities messed with MJ's sleep schedule.  So be it.  Then we returned, and she started back at daycare, and did really well.  Not waking up much at all, sleeping until 7 in the morning.

And then she got sick.  Puking.  Lots of puking.  Puking in my hair.  Puking in our bed.  Poor thing, I felt bad for her.  She still slept pretty good, considering.  Then husband went away for a week.  As soon as she got over the puking she picked up some sort of cough-hack-virus.  Husband says to me "But she just got sick!"  as though that should insulate her from getting sick again.  So I said to the virus "Virus, she just got sick, give her a break."  Funny how Mr. Virus didn't listen.  And she coughed, and my Mama-Brain feared she would stop breathing in the night.  So if she cried, I brought her into our bed. 

And she barely slept. 

Go to sleep late.  *cough*  Wake up.  Move to Mama's bed.  *cough*  Wake Up Early.  *cough* Wake Mama Up Early.  *cough*  Refuse to nap.  *cough*  She is now over the virus.  And she is still up all the time.  She wants to play!  We get her to sleep, put her in her crib, and an hour later she is awake again.  *cough*  *Play!*

So I am tired.  I would like to blame this on a cognitive change.  The number of times I have googled "cognitive develoment of a ___ month old" is somewhat embarrassing.  I fear this is the beginnings of a fussy toddler.  There is much shrieking and flailing happening, day and night alike.  We tried a bit of cry it out last night.  But we have a very determined little child, and I don't think I have a night of screaming in me.  How do you reason with a toddler? 

Indecision.

Clearly I don't know what I want.  All week I fantasized about being a stay at home mom, sparked, in part, by a conversation with my advisor about my lack of PhD progress.  This is not new, I knew this, but I like to forget it.  DH called me out when he saw my internet history, in which I had googled "how do you decide to become a stay at home mom."

But then, a weekend of hubs working and solo parenting makes me long to go back to work.  I love this little girl, but she is just so exhausting.  Within her first hour of being awake she had:
- Torn all the clean clothes from the laundry basket and scattered them around the house.
- Dumped a jar of oats on the floor.
- Dumped a bag of dry beans on the floor.
- Had a (oh-so-heart-wrenching) temper tantrum when I insisted her oatmeal cool down before she could eat it.
- Climbed on top of the end table.
- Fallen off the couch.

This in addition to the run-of-the-mill tear-her-books-off-the-shelf, throw-half-her-food-on-the-floor and take-everything-out-of-the-cupboards daily routine.

By noon I was ready for her to go to sleep for the night.

How do stay at home mom's do it?  I know they say to set one goal a day, and that's what I do.  But if I don't get her out of the house we both go nuts.  Though getting her out of the house is just as exhausting since she won't sit in grocery carts or high chairs. I supposed I need to become a more patient person.  And stop trying to accomplish anything, because the moment I sat down and played with her my stress (mostly) went away.

Sanity, oh how I've missed you

I was in kind of a bad place a few weeks back. There was one morning where I said to DH "I feel like I'm going crazy and nobody cares." I did not mean this in a haha sort of way. Not to demean those who are actually going crazy; I've had a front row seat for that performance before, and I knew I was in a different place.  But at the same time, I was going crazy inside.  DH was working all the time.  MJ was adjusting her napping routine (no thanks to daycare, who has mandated one nap a day) and was cranky every time I saw her.  I felt like everything was falling on my shoulders.  I didn't just feel this way, I knew that it was true.

But then my mom came to visit.  We had an initial rough patch.  Then I came down with some sort of 6 day stomach flu, complete with the worst pain I've had since labor, and it was such a relief to have her here.  To be the one being mothered rather than doing the mothering.  We worked through our differences and really had a wonderful visit.  She stayed for 3 weeks, a long time to have any house guest, but I was still sad to see her go.

We have started to get back into our old routine.  The first day after my mom's departure we both came thudding back to reality, remembering what it's like to come home and never be able to relax.  But some things have changed.  DH is picking up fewer shifts, meaning I am not doing as much solo parenting.  We have started to pay someone to come clean for us, and they are absolutely superb.  It's expensive, but the amount of sanity and peace it brings me has so far been worth every penny.  And I signed up for an art class, the first thing I've done just-for-me since MJ was born.  Yes, I've had beers with friends and had some me-time afternoons.  But this feels different, and I'm psyched about it.  I'll post pics when I have something to show.

I've talked to a few women whose blogs petered out after their little one's first birthday.  I will try my darnedest not to let that happen here.  But feel free to call me out if you haven't heard from me in a while....