May Days

Before Teddy was born, during the sunset of 2013, my Mom was fond of saying that 2014 would be the year that I just wouldn't remember.

While the details feel so intricate to me now, I fear she may be right.  Although Teddy is sleeping much better than he was, he is still up twice a night, followed by a 6 am wakeup from the big kids.  I seem unable to fall asleep before 10:00 on most nights.  So I spend much of my day in a haze, with days (like today) that I question whether I should even be driving.

May started a few days ago, right?  Isn't Cinco De Mayo in a couple days?

Sadly, no, that was 16 days ago.  So perhaps I really will forget this year, and I should write down a few things.  I like bulleted lists.  So here's a few events of late.

1.  Tonight we went to the end of year picnic for MJ's school.  It is such a magical place, with goats and llamas and chickens and rabbits and ponies and burros.  Although she enjoys animals now, when she was a toddler we'd take her to the zoo or the aquarium and she was bored unless there was something to climb.  Completely uninterested in the animals around her.  Greta, on the other hand, is nuts for animals.  Absolutely cannot get enough of them.  Although MJ loves this school, I think Greta would be in absolute heaven.  We'll see.  We had planned to send MJ there next year for kindergarten, but she got into a public school down the block from our house and will not be returning in the fall.  We are excited but will miss this magical place.  Perhaps Greta will come in a couple years.

2.  A week and a half ago my Mom arrived.  I had a long list of projects to accomplish while she was here.  During her stay I: built 4 different pieces of patio furniture, a bunk bed, installed the water line for the automatic ice maker on our fridge, cleaned our basement and packed a bunch of baby clothes for my sister in law, fixed a shelf, fixed a lamp, planted bulbs, installed an internet camera, and spread mulch over our front yard.  This is on top of a lot of cleaning and cooking and general wifeliness.

In addition to feeling so accomplished, it was so nice to have my Mom here.  I dare say I enjoyed her visit much more than her last visit.  I so dreaded her departure last time that it almost prevented me from enjoying her stay.  I realized that she and I are alike in this.  If something is hanging over my head, I can't enjoy the moment I'm experiencing.  This is also why I would rather flee town in the middle of the night than have to say goodbye (which she does, too, starting her drive at 3 a.m.!)  We also had some wonderful conversations that made me realize how well she knows me.  Now, being a parent, it often boggles my mind that I used to be the flailing toddler on the ground that she had to endure.  It's not that I thank her so much for those moments, it's that I thank her for continuing to come back and put up with me in spite of them.

3.  The girls have been sharing a bedroom since last August.  It has gone exceptionally well.  There was a short spell in December where MJ was waking Greta up in the morning.  Since MJ often wakes up long before G, this led to a very tired Greta and a very grumpy Mom.  We moved MJ's mattress into another room for a week, as a way of driving home that if she wakes her sister up she can't share a room with her.  During that week both girls slept poorly, with many middle of the night wake ups.  It was really more of a punishment for me, apparently.  So we moved them back together and it has continued to be wonderful.  Until a week and a half ago Greta was still in her crib and MJ was in her toddler bed.

But over the past month I have wanted the crib for Teddy; he was in a pack and play or a smaller crib, but I was convinced it was time to transition.  Furthermore, with my Mom in town, it was a good time to assemble a major piece of furniture.  So we bought one on Amazon and assembled it a week and a half ago.

The girls were so excited.  It was a major project.  8 man hours spent building this thing (5 or 6 of those were woman hours).  Plus the mattresses we bought for it (another major internet research project... mattresses stress me out...)

But it was a rough start.  MJ went to sleep fine, but Greta could not stay in her bed.  Although she had been napping in her sisters bed for months, that was always when MJ was out of the room.  With MJ in the room, in the TOP BUNK, she just wanted to climb up there and play.  MJ would fall asleep and Greta would climb up and pull her hair.  Lots of tears.  Lots of yelling.

So we put Greta in the pack and play.  And the next night.  Many nights.  The first couple nights she wanted to sleep in the pack and play.  The next couple nights she would start in her bed, and then climb out of it, and we would put her in the pack and play.

But finally, we are having some success.  She has now slept in her bed for the past few nights without getting out and bothering her sister.  Then they wake up in the morning and play.  I am back to thinking this was a good idea, but not with enough confidence to fold up the pack and play.

4.  Greta.  Oh, Greta.  If I had any sense at all, this age (22 months) would be my least favorite.  Because she really is a terror.  She's becoming more sweet, but she's still a terror.  She doesn't abuse Vito quite as much as she used to.  She is nicer to her brother than she used to be.  Today I even saw her share and play with another kid.  At the same time, though, she is a runner.  She loves to run away from me.  MJ never did this, perhaps because I could always carry her if there was an issue.  But with Teddy in my arms, Great sees the opportunity to bolt in the opposite direction.  It drives me nuts.  It makes me angry.  And I'm afraid she'll get hurt.  I do not know how to get her to stop.  I think I must just endure it.

But she is so sweet, too.  She loves to cuddle in a way that MJ never did.  She constantly wants to climb into my lap and read books.  Books, books, all the time.  We have a picture encyclopedia that she looks at constantly.  Also a couple Dallas Clayton books.  And, of course, Curious George.  She gives me unprovoked kisses and hugs.  How could I not adore this?  And the chatter.  So much chatter.  I think she's right on the verge of a language explosion; more and more new words popping up, and more complex expressions every day.  I can't decide whether I look forward to more language or not.

5.  MJ is a sweet kid.  She makes me proud to be her Mama 98% of the time.  I am constantly told by strangers how well spoken she is.  And she has finally become a neighborhood kid.  The other kids knock on our fence to ask if she's free to play and are bummed if she isn't.  I expect she'll be leading the pack soon enough, because it seems she's the one that is always furnishing the ideas of what to play.  It is fascinating to watch her become part of her community.  She is so much like her Dad.  And, much like him, she makes me so crazy and so happy, all at the same time.

6.  And Teddy.  My baby.  I am trying to soak up every moment of babyness.  I think if someone could just hand me a 4-month-old, without having to endure pregnancy or newbornhood, I would take it.  Every time. So we'd go from a family of 5 to a family of 15.  He has started to grab faces and pull hair.  Greta looked shocked at first, but now seems to find it funny.  And totally endures it, doesn't try to hit back.  MJ spends a chunk of every day trying to get him to laugh.  It is all so freaking adorable.  I try to remember how adorable it is, always.  Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail.

The last 1-month post

Little man,

I can't believe we're already a month into this gig.  As before, it continues to amaze me how much faster the newborn phase goes than the late-pregnancy phase.

You and I are really just getting to know one another.  I am trying to soak up every moment of your babyhood because I know I won't get these moments again.  I love taking a nap with you cradled in my arms, and know full well that is not the kind of thing you get to do with any baby other than your own.  And your older sisters show me just how little time I have to enjoy it, as they instantly squirm out of my arms to play with a toy or chase each other around the house.

I think breastfeeding is just not going to happen for us, but I'm happy that I'm still able to provide all your nutrition, and in the end it probably works better for our life at the moment. Trying to chase a toddler if you take 45 minutes to eat just won't cut it.  You will probably never get the attention from me that your sisters have gotten, but instead you will get extra attention from two amazing older sisters.  That seems like a fair trade, especially since you get to have them forever.  Your sisters adore you, even if G expresses that by trying to poke you in the eye or steal your pacifier.  I look forward to having you all gang up on your Dad and I someday (I may regret saying that).  But I think the three of you may turn out to be the best of friends, a thought that just warms my heart.

At one month old, you sleep fairly decently, usually giving us a couple 3 to 4 hour stretches at night.  I'm hoping this is the month that you start to sleep even better so we can feel a little more human.  You are also a loud, loud little man.  You get absolutely furious if we don't instantly tend to your needs.  No helpless newborn cry for you, you make it clear that you are MAD.  I'd have to say that your favorite thing is when we blow-dry your bum after a diaper change, which instantly calms you down (and helps combat diaper rash.)

You will forever be the third, but you will also forever be my baby.  The baby.  You marked the occasion of your first month on earth by smiling at me this afternoon.  I tried to get a picture but it was little more than a flicker.  Watching your face light up, though, was such a beautiful promise of things to come and softens the blow of the days that have already passed me by.  Thanks for joining our team little one.

Love,
Mama

10 years.....

So the hubs turns 31 today.  I did the same thing a few weeks back.  Although neither of us can quite pinpoint when, exactly, we started dating, we know that we were definitely dating for our 21st birthdays.  Which means we've been together for 10 years (except for that time, in the midst of dating long distance, when we decided to "see other people").  It's really, really hard to believe.

I can say, without a doubt, 100%, that it's been wonderful.  Perhaps not every moment of every day, but the sum total has been exactly what I hoped it'd be.  Your humor and loyalty have helped get us through everything, and I wouldn't for an instant go back.  I distinctly remember the feeling of dating you at 21, not really having any vision of this grand, huge thing our lives together would become.  This amazing little creature we would create, this dog that we would cherish.  I'm glad I didn't see all that, it would have been too good to be true, and thus terrifying. 

And you've become things I didn't even know were important at the time.  A wonderful father and provider.  A companion for the rough times.  Someone who tolerates me at my worst, and even loves me.  I couldn't ask for more.  Happy 31st.  It wasn't quite the same as your 21st, but I suppose we can really only be 21 once.  Thanks for making these last 10 years the best so far...

Far flung relatives

I didn't really think that MJ had the concept of family down, other than DH, Vito and I.  Our families live far away and represent the furthest reaches of the continental U.S.  But tonight, as I was putting MJ to bed, I realized I was wrong.

In the middle of "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish" she looked up at me and said "I home".  I was nervous how she would take the transition to the new house, but she has done great.  After deciding that she was at her home, she cycled through everyone. 

"Dada?" 
"Dada's at work."

"Doggie?"  (which really sounds exactly like "Dada").
"Doggie's outside."

"Nana?"
"Nana's in Oregon."

"Baba?"
"Baba's in New York."

Then we repeated the list.

In truth, she missed some important people, but I know she'll add them in due time.  It was amazing to me, though, that she only listed family.  There are many people she sees more than Nana and Baba, but they were not listed. 

So here's to you, Grandma's, for making your grandaughter feel loved from a thousand miles away. 

Happiness is....

... making a point to go to bed at 9:00, and MJ deciding to sleep in ('til 6:00!)  Holy rested mama Batman!

... an unsolicited toddler hug.

... walking in the house to see Dada and MJ reading on the couch together.  Granted, her book was upside.

... looking forward to putting this sweater on my little girl.

... a high of 26 after a week of -30 windchills.  

... date night this coming Sunday. 

What makes you happy?

11 months.

Here's you at 11 months. 

Happy.

Precocious.

Those have been constants in your life.

Thankfully, this month you learned a little bit of the fear, thanks to a few minor injuries in your early early attempts at walking.  This slowed you down a bit, caused you to think about what you were doing instead of just charging full speed ahead. Despite my earlier pronouncement, only now are you really becoming a walker.  And you're so proud of yourself, all grins and laughs at your new found skill.

In the last couple weeks language has begun to dawn on you.  You've been saying mama for quite a while, but now you seem to understand that it applies to me.  Granted, you say it for just about everything else in the world, but it seems to be reserved for things you like so I'm okay with it.  You are also learning "Dada", "No", and "Duck" (though that last one might just be a variant of "Dada").

And you have a boyfriend.  Baby boy S.  Whom you kiss, and hold hands with, and share your toys with.  I find this disturbing.  But crazy cute.  You love your beach ball.  You love when we crawl on the ground with you.  And you love life. 

The other day I was standing in line at Ikea, and you were a hot mess. Your Dad took you to the car while I paid. A teenage girl standing in line behind me asked her Dad "Do you remember when I was that small?" and he smiled and said yes. Then she asked if she was a difficult baby and he laughed a knowing laugh, but didn't answer. It's hard to picture you as that teenage girl, but I know it will happen. And you will ask me that same question, and I will miss all your hot-mess-baby-moments.

9 months

I have now done more parenting outside the womb than within it.  More of MJ's development has occurred since I first met her than before I met her.  I frequently think of last year at this time.  Last year at this time I was busy getting the nursery ready.  I was huge, and pregnancy was very real.  I thought I had connected with the child within, but I was wrong.  I didn't imagine... the personality that was in  there.  I could picture the smiles, and the hugs, and the cries.  But not this little ball of person and non-stop cuteness.  I guess that's it: I could conceptualize that I was growing a baby, but not that I was growing a person.  And she becomes more of a person every day.  If I smile at something she does she loves it, and so she keeps doing it, just so I'll smile more.  She is into everything, a roaming ball of curiosity.  Sitting still is IMPOSSIBLE.  She laughs uncontrollably when I tell her "no", which means I laugh; the idea of "no" is definitely not getting across. At least, not the part that I want to get across.

Within the past week one good friend told us she was pregnant, and a new friend gave birth.  The circle of life doesn't get old: it's fascinating, exciting and terrifying.  I have such fear, sympathy, envy and joy for what they're going through.  The fear and sympathy aren't for anything they're doing, just memories of my own feelings at those points in time.  And within one short year it seems MJ and I have become resident experts on all things baby. I've also started to realize that some people classify one year and up as toddler.... I am not ready for that.  Despite the fact that MJ is thinking about walking, and is already "toddling" her way through the day, she's still a baby, right?  Do babies only last a year?  How did I let it go by? 

I feel like I'm recovering from a terrifying rollercoaster (which I know I am still very much on) and now have the "again! again!" feeling of a 7 year old. 

MJ is wonderful. Our sleep issues are (mostly) getting ironed out.  The tradeoff is that she must be in her bed at bedtime.  There is no flexibility, and some nights I feel like a prisoner in my own life.  But she sleeps well, wakes up happy and is an utter joy to be around.  So I guess that's a pretty fair trade.  From the moment she wakes at 5:30 it is go time. As someone who is most definitely not a morning person, it's been hard for me to adjust to that.  But now that the house is largely childproofed (or, more specifically, MJ proofed, because there's still a lot that a baby could get into) I can sit back a little bit, particularly because she's pretty good at entertaining herself.  Which is fascinating to watch.  The kid LOVES to dance.  Tonight I had GLEE on and she held onto the speaker and shook her booty.  She has more moves than I do, which doesn't really give her due credit. 

We've started the back carry with the Beco Butterfly and it's amazing.  While I'm still a die hard Moby fan, she's getting heavy and the front carry was doing a number on my back.  This is SO much more comfortable, and she seems plenty happy.  The downside?  I can't actually see her (which mainly just makes me sad) and she loves to pull my hair.  So I'm rocking the high half-pony tail.

Anyway, that's many of the mundance details of our life as we enter into her 10th month.  I NEVER imagined I would love being a mom so much.  I credit my love of being a mom to having such an amazing kid, but regardless.  The outside baby is much better than the inside one.  Nine months from this point she'll be a year and a half.  Most definitely a toddler.  Probably more frustrating.  More fascinating. And more of a person.

Thankful.

I must confess, this day has never meant much to me.  I always made an effort to make or buy a present.  Or a card.  As I've gotten older that effort has been less consistent.  But I confess that my efforts stemmed more from obligation than from real gratitude.  There are exceptions, and gratitude was always part of the package.  But this year is different.

I feel really, truly, utterly, completely thankful.  Both to my Mom and to DH's mom.  We are both lucky, and we know it.  We both have great mom's.  And we both know that we owe them everything.  But this is the first year that I get it.

On happy days, when MJ is all smiles and kisses and loves me more than anyone in the world, it makes me a little sad to know that she won't remember this.  That she'll remember all her teenage angst ridden years, but not her "mom-is-the-best-in-the-universe" years.  But then I remember I was the same.  I cooed and smiled just like MJ, I am sure.  And then spent years being ungrateful.  And my Mom just took it.  And still loves me, unconditionally.  And never even holds it against me (at least not that I know of.)

And the rough days?  When MJ just cries and refuses to sleep?  That's part of the package, too.  Those days when my Mom had no one around except two ungrateful children and she still loved us unconditionally?  I now know how hard that is (though still only the square root of that effort, because I'm sure two children is exponentially more difficult.)  This is the first year I can have any inkling of what my Mom went through.  And DH's mom.  We were both raised by two brave, strong, independent, loving, compassionate and totally wonderful women.  And we owe you everything.