This is my new view:
Sweet farewells...
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Hello, Goodbye.
My last shot of MJ in her crib. I think I'll miss this view more than I expected.
This is my new view:
Sweet farewells...
This is my new view:
Sweet farewells...
Friday, October 7, 2011
It's not you
Recycling a stack of Wall Street Journal's the other day, I stumbled on this article from July: My Fertility Crisis.
I took away two big points from this article.
1. I'm only thirty. Even though we're having some difficulty, I'm in a very lucky spot.
2. Women need to talk about fertility issues more openly.
These are not really the main points of the article, just the points that apply to my life.
I have known both of these points to be true, this was just a timely reminder. A large part of me wants to say nothing about our issues. To pretend everything is fine.
But deep down, I feel that the media, society and wishful thinking is allowing women to delude themselves. While I hate talking about personal things with the world, it makes me so sad that statistics suggest there are SO many women with fertility issues, and yet I see so few people talking about it. The only people that talk openly about getting pregnant are the ones who do so easily, and I fear that it gives women a false impression that it's easy. And I think it drives women to put off having children because they believe that when they're ready it will be easy.
We had an appointment last week to talk about our issues. We've already had all the tests run, that suggest that everything is fine other than mild PCOS in me. Everything is fine, except that we've been trying to get pregnant for 11 months and still aren't. So the discussion came down to Clomid. Basically, even though I ovulate semi-regularly, Clomid could still improve hormone levels that may be inhibiting/preventing pregnancy. But with it comes an increased risk of twins (1 in 20) and higher order multiples. Having twins doesn't scare me so much, though I would feel bad for MJ. Hoisting one sibling on her seems rough, but hoisting two siblings on her seems cruel.
My real fear is complications. Twins are by definition a high risk pregnancy. If I felt this was the only way for us to get pregnant I wouldn't hesitate. But knowing we got pregnant semi-easily without clomid already, it makes me hesitant to take that risk. I guess I read too many mom blogs, because I know or know of far too many women with devastating stories from a multiples birth. If that happened to us, and I wasn't convinced it was a necessary risk, I'm not sure I could forgive myself. But how do I know when it is a necessary risk, and not just impatience?
I took away two big points from this article.
1. I'm only thirty. Even though we're having some difficulty, I'm in a very lucky spot.
2. Women need to talk about fertility issues more openly.
These are not really the main points of the article, just the points that apply to my life.
I have known both of these points to be true, this was just a timely reminder. A large part of me wants to say nothing about our issues. To pretend everything is fine.
But deep down, I feel that the media, society and wishful thinking is allowing women to delude themselves. While I hate talking about personal things with the world, it makes me so sad that statistics suggest there are SO many women with fertility issues, and yet I see so few people talking about it. The only people that talk openly about getting pregnant are the ones who do so easily, and I fear that it gives women a false impression that it's easy. And I think it drives women to put off having children because they believe that when they're ready it will be easy.
We had an appointment last week to talk about our issues. We've already had all the tests run, that suggest that everything is fine other than mild PCOS in me. Everything is fine, except that we've been trying to get pregnant for 11 months and still aren't. So the discussion came down to Clomid. Basically, even though I ovulate semi-regularly, Clomid could still improve hormone levels that may be inhibiting/preventing pregnancy. But with it comes an increased risk of twins (1 in 20) and higher order multiples. Having twins doesn't scare me so much, though I would feel bad for MJ. Hoisting one sibling on her seems rough, but hoisting two siblings on her seems cruel.
My real fear is complications. Twins are by definition a high risk pregnancy. If I felt this was the only way for us to get pregnant I wouldn't hesitate. But knowing we got pregnant semi-easily without clomid already, it makes me hesitant to take that risk. I guess I read too many mom blogs, because I know or know of far too many women with devastating stories from a multiples birth. If that happened to us, and I wasn't convinced it was a necessary risk, I'm not sure I could forgive myself. But how do I know when it is a necessary risk, and not just impatience?
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Caught in the act
Vito was sequestered to the top floor, so MJ carried that overflowing bowl of dog food up two flights of stairs and fed him, with a spoon, between the bars. I don't think Vito knows how good he has it.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
2 years old
MJ's official birthday was last Monday, but we celebrated today. What made it particularly special is that Nana was in town, and today is her 60th. So MJ and Nana celebrated their birthday's together; I think that realization never quite made it into MJ's brain. The cupcakes, balloons, presents, friends and family were the source of her joy, as one would hope for any two year old
MJ is still the firecracker she has always been. She ran around saying "I two" for much of the day, and tried very hard to sing the words to "Happy Birthday" which were mostly just "Hap Hap day". She was in ecstasy over a toy motorcycle and pretended to drink tea for about an hour. She loved seeing all her friends, and I've come to realize that I think she mourns the loss of our neighbors. We don't have nearly as many kids at our house since we moved. Although she handled the move well, and seems to love the new house, she misses having the ability to walk a few houses down to play with other kids.
As with all birthdays, this one was very bittersweet for me. I know my Mom is not ecstatic to be turning 60. I'm not ecstatic to be leaving all remnants of babyhood behind, particularly because I thought we'd be looking at the possibility of another baby by now. Instead, I am facing the fear that we won't be able to have another baby, and it makes a milestone like this so much more poignant. I know it's too soon to jump to such a conclusion, but that's the fear in the back of my mind. We are only a couple months from an official diagnosis of secondary infertility, something I never thought I'd be able to say.
Thankfully, though, MJ's joy is too infectious to stay sad for long. Everything is a source of joy, and her spontaneous kisses and hugs can always brighten my day. Fall is definitely here now, along with a fire in our fireplace and zucchini bread in the oven. We finally have some pictures on the walls, a couch to sit on and a dining table that can fit all of our friends. I feel so blessed. I need to keep focus. But I also need to savor every one of these moments, because I just don't if they'll happen again. It has made my decision to stay home with MJ even more reassuring than it already is; if I had to miss all these moments not knowing if I will ever have more children. As someone who often said she wanted four kids, such an idea would be a huge adjustment.
MJ is still the firecracker she has always been. She ran around saying "I two" for much of the day, and tried very hard to sing the words to "Happy Birthday" which were mostly just "Hap Hap day". She was in ecstasy over a toy motorcycle and pretended to drink tea for about an hour. She loved seeing all her friends, and I've come to realize that I think she mourns the loss of our neighbors. We don't have nearly as many kids at our house since we moved. Although she handled the move well, and seems to love the new house, she misses having the ability to walk a few houses down to play with other kids.
As with all birthdays, this one was very bittersweet for me. I know my Mom is not ecstatic to be turning 60. I'm not ecstatic to be leaving all remnants of babyhood behind, particularly because I thought we'd be looking at the possibility of another baby by now. Instead, I am facing the fear that we won't be able to have another baby, and it makes a milestone like this so much more poignant. I know it's too soon to jump to such a conclusion, but that's the fear in the back of my mind. We are only a couple months from an official diagnosis of secondary infertility, something I never thought I'd be able to say.
Thankfully, though, MJ's joy is too infectious to stay sad for long. Everything is a source of joy, and her spontaneous kisses and hugs can always brighten my day. Fall is definitely here now, along with a fire in our fireplace and zucchini bread in the oven. We finally have some pictures on the walls, a couch to sit on and a dining table that can fit all of our friends. I feel so blessed. I need to keep focus. But I also need to savor every one of these moments, because I just don't if they'll happen again. It has made my decision to stay home with MJ even more reassuring than it already is; if I had to miss all these moments not knowing if I will ever have more children. As someone who often said she wanted four kids, such an idea would be a huge adjustment.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Greetings from the Berkshires.
It turns out I miss mountains more than I realized. We've been in Massachusetts for a wedding, and this place is just blissful. Fascinating rocks. Hardwood forests. Fall colors. Quaint towns. I had forgotten how lovely New England can be. Thankfully we've had an abundance of rude encounters with the locals, which reminded me that Minnesota Nice is more than just a T-shirt. Yep, I miss the mountains and the woods, but I'm still looking forward to going home.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Can I come clean?
Because this is killing me.
I wanted kids two years apart. Or less, really, but two seemed like a more sane number than one.
My daughter turns two next month. So can you guess how long I've been trying to get pregnant?
I know how super blessed I am. How wonderful my daughter is, and my life. I'm lucky I'm not dealing with the thought of "What if I can never get pregnant? Never have a kid?" Because dealing with this has given me a greater understanding of what it might feel like to deal with that, though I'm sure it sucks a whole lot more. But it still sucks to deal with this.
Being as we already have one daughter, conceived without the use of fertility meds, we have no known issues. Other than that I occasionally have (very) long cycles and a fuzzy diagnosis of PCOS.
Writing all this out, I feel like a whole lot more of a bitch. Because I have dear friends who I know have faced much more insurmountable odds than this. That's the beauty and the peril of a blog, I suppose.
But one more thing. Completely unrelated. Our house was broken into the other night. I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of a loud bang and our (now knighted) dog barking. I peered out of our second floor bathroom window, into our backyard. The motion detector light was on, and it looked like the gate into our backyard was ajar. After a few minutes, when the barking had ended, I watch a skinny black man start to walk back into our yard.
I yelled to scare the guy off. But here's the best part, the part my husband thinks is hilarious. I yelled "Scram!" The whitest thing you could say, apparently.
Then I woke my husband, who was grumpy and disbelieving that anything worthy of waking up for had happened. We went downstairs and thought it was overkill to call the cops, until we realized the screen into our kitchen had been cut.
So we called the cops. We didn't see anything missing, thanks (no doubt) to our knighted dog Vito. The cops were at our door by the time we were off the phone. I described the guy, they set some dogs loose to try to track him and told us to "stay inside". But nothing.
It wasn't until two days later that I realized they stole my camera, which had been sitting prominently on the kitchen table. So they were definitely inside our house. The upsdide? We've gotten to know several of our neighbors much better, as we stopped at their porches to tell the our story in the interest of public safety and neighborhood well being. Another updside: I will be getting a new camera. But burglar, if you read this blog, it will no longer be sitting on my kitchen table. Also, I buy cheap cameras that just happen to look expensive, so there are probably better things to grab.
As upsetting as the burglary should be, it's really the first woe that's keeping me up at night. It's the second woe that's keeping DH up at night. But I have no doubt that both of these woes will be keeping my mother up at night.
I wanted kids two years apart. Or less, really, but two seemed like a more sane number than one.
My daughter turns two next month. So can you guess how long I've been trying to get pregnant?
I know how super blessed I am. How wonderful my daughter is, and my life. I'm lucky I'm not dealing with the thought of "What if I can never get pregnant? Never have a kid?" Because dealing with this has given me a greater understanding of what it might feel like to deal with that, though I'm sure it sucks a whole lot more. But it still sucks to deal with this.
Being as we already have one daughter, conceived without the use of fertility meds, we have no known issues. Other than that I occasionally have (very) long cycles and a fuzzy diagnosis of PCOS.
Writing all this out, I feel like a whole lot more of a bitch. Because I have dear friends who I know have faced much more insurmountable odds than this. That's the beauty and the peril of a blog, I suppose.
But one more thing. Completely unrelated. Our house was broken into the other night. I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of a loud bang and our (now knighted) dog barking. I peered out of our second floor bathroom window, into our backyard. The motion detector light was on, and it looked like the gate into our backyard was ajar. After a few minutes, when the barking had ended, I watch a skinny black man start to walk back into our yard.
I yelled to scare the guy off. But here's the best part, the part my husband thinks is hilarious. I yelled "Scram!" The whitest thing you could say, apparently.
Then I woke my husband, who was grumpy and disbelieving that anything worthy of waking up for had happened. We went downstairs and thought it was overkill to call the cops, until we realized the screen into our kitchen had been cut.
So we called the cops. We didn't see anything missing, thanks (no doubt) to our knighted dog Vito. The cops were at our door by the time we were off the phone. I described the guy, they set some dogs loose to try to track him and told us to "stay inside". But nothing.
It wasn't until two days later that I realized they stole my camera, which had been sitting prominently on the kitchen table. So they were definitely inside our house. The upsdide? We've gotten to know several of our neighbors much better, as we stopped at their porches to tell the our story in the interest of public safety and neighborhood well being. Another updside: I will be getting a new camera. But burglar, if you read this blog, it will no longer be sitting on my kitchen table. Also, I buy cheap cameras that just happen to look expensive, so there are probably better things to grab.
As upsetting as the burglary should be, it's really the first woe that's keeping me up at night. It's the second woe that's keeping DH up at night. But I have no doubt that both of these woes will be keeping my mother up at night.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Month 23: our life in pictures
You can see the tale of our days here. We've had some very hot days, and some much more tolerable days. We've spent lots of time outside, rain or shine. Lots of time in the water (harder to take pictures!) In a few of these pictures, you can catch a glimpse of two of my oldest friends (not in age, but in years). It was a wonderful visit ; I haven't gotten a chance to spend this much time with these girls since high school, and it was just like old times (okay, not really, but a new version of wonderful).
You can also see in some of these pictures that MJ is climbing to new heights. She scales the jungle gym without fear, but forces me to squeeze inside to catch her.
The biggest story of the month is language. It blows me away. Many new words every day, and three to four word phrases. I used to be able to easily understand her because her vocabulary was limited, but now her vocabulary is extensive enough I often have no idea what she's talking about.
Potty training: pretty much non existent. She's interested but non committal. She did, however, lift up her leg and pretend to pee on a tree at the park, just like Vito.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Vocalization
One of the most fascinating things about MJ's new found verbage is that I'm gaining more insight into what goes on in her little noggin. I have often wondered what she's thinking, what she's trying to figure out, but only recently has this become a reality.
Her stream of consciousness is most noticeable during storytime. And this is the part I find most surprising, because I always thought she was more in the moment than she actually is. In the middle of a Curious George story ("Joaj") she will bust out with something about her day, like
"Katie bye-bye, home" which I think is something along the lines of "I said bye-bye to Katie before I left for home." Despite the fact that this happened 4 hours early and was seemingly an uneventful moment.
Or something that happened a week ago. "No bite Lolo". Which references a moment a week ago when another little girl grabbed her cheek. Her expressons are never quite accurate, but (only because I get to spend so much more time with her) her intention is usually discernible.
I just never before realized the random moments she was thinking about during storytime. I really thought she was thinking about George the monkey. Or the wall she was staring at. I didn't realize she was piecing together moments of her day and week that are still on her mind.
Her stream of consciousness is most noticeable during storytime. And this is the part I find most surprising, because I always thought she was more in the moment than she actually is. In the middle of a Curious George story ("Joaj") she will bust out with something about her day, like
"Katie bye-bye, home" which I think is something along the lines of "I said bye-bye to Katie before I left for home." Despite the fact that this happened 4 hours early and was seemingly an uneventful moment.
Or something that happened a week ago. "No bite Lolo". Which references a moment a week ago when another little girl grabbed her cheek. Her expressons are never quite accurate, but (only because I get to spend so much more time with her) her intention is usually discernible.
I just never before realized the random moments she was thinking about during storytime. I really thought she was thinking about George the monkey. Or the wall she was staring at. I didn't realize she was piecing together moments of her day and week that are still on her mind.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Far flung relatives
I didn't really think that MJ had the concept of family down, other than DH, Vito and I. Our families live far away and represent the furthest reaches of the continental U.S. But tonight, as I was putting MJ to bed, I realized I was wrong.
In the middle of "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish" she looked up at me and said "I home". I was nervous how she would take the transition to the new house, but she has done great. After deciding that she was at her home, she cycled through everyone.
"Dada?"
"Dada's at work."
"Doggie?" (which really sounds exactly like "Dada").
"Doggie's outside."
"Nana?"
"Nana's in Oregon."
"Baba?"
"Baba's in New York."
Then we repeated the list.
In truth, she missed some important people, but I know she'll add them in due time. It was amazing to me, though, that she only listed family. There are many people she sees more than Nana and Baba, but they were not listed.
So here's to you, Grandma's, for making your grandaughter feel loved from a thousand miles away.
In the middle of "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish" she looked up at me and said "I home". I was nervous how she would take the transition to the new house, but she has done great. After deciding that she was at her home, she cycled through everyone.
"Dada?"
"Dada's at work."
"Doggie?" (which really sounds exactly like "Dada").
"Doggie's outside."
"Nana?"
"Nana's in Oregon."
"Baba?"
"Baba's in New York."
Then we repeated the list.
In truth, she missed some important people, but I know she'll add them in due time. It was amazing to me, though, that she only listed family. There are many people she sees more than Nana and Baba, but they were not listed.
So here's to you, Grandma's, for making your grandaughter feel loved from a thousand miles away.
Friday, July 15, 2011
22 months
Oh dear, has it really been a month? I knew I hadn't blogged in a while, but that is just too much. So here goes my rambling, guilt filled post.
This has been a big month. After quitting my PhD, we have spent oodles of time packing, buying furniture for our new house, finding a renter for our old house, closing on our new house, moving into our new house, preparing our old house to be rented, and unpacking at our new house. It has been a whirlwind. The only reason I've even been able to see friends is that they sweetly call me up to say they want to see the new place, boxes and all. If it weren't for the effort on other people's parts, I would never see anyone. I am a lucky lady. All of our friends showed up on the (so far) hottest day of the year to help us lug our crap from our old house to our new one. I am in awe at the home Minnesota has become for us.
As for Miss MJ, she has also had a busy month. We have dropped her down to 2 days a week at daycare. We would have taken her out altogether, but I think DH was worried I would go crazy watching a toddler 24/7, and without family around daycare is our only consistent break. It has turned out to be a godsend, I don't know how else I would have gotten our rental ready. During our move my Mom visited from Oregon, and they had a blast together. As tough as the terrible two's are, she is so riotously fun. I feel like this last month has been an explosion of new skills and new language. It makes me wonder if I only notice it because I'm around more now and I just missed the others, but I think it's more than that.
Particularly in the past week, her language has exploded. We almost have conversations now.
Granted, only I and a select few others can understand them, because who can really understand a 2 year old? But we've been talking a lot about poop, and how Vito poops outside, but MJ and Dada poop inside. What is hers, what belongs to other people. Up and down. Outside and inside. And she is learning so many new words every day, whereas before it was a word every now and then.
She has also begun to have imaginative play in much more intense ways. Baby or Elmo are her two favorite toys, and I frequently walk in on her rocking Elmo, giving Elmo a bottle, or changing Elmo's diaper on some contraption she decided is a changing table. Last night, when DH and I went to sleep, we found Elmo tucked into our bed under 4 hand towels (which are Elmo's blankets). MJ had been asleep for hours, this was apparently some remnant from earlier in the day. When she sees me cook, she pretends to cook. When she sees me clean (a rarity) she pretends to clean. But she can actually entertain herself with all this. I can be in the other room for a good half hour while she concocts elaborate ways to comfort Elmo or position her toy trains. It is amazing and sweet to see.
We also started gymnastics this month. By the end of the first class, during which MJ jumped wildly at every opportunity and hung fearlessly from every bar that was presented, the teacher dubbed her "My fearless one". She is very much in her element, though it is exhausting trying to keep her from injuring herself or someone else while she madly dashes in front of real gymnasts doing actual flips. The gymnasts in the room have already learned to keep one eye on her before they decide whether it is safe to execute a flip, something I wish was not so. She is hard to keep tabs on, but I am proud of her fearlessness, much as it makes me afraid for her. Any fear she lacks is placed onto me. I could really see her getting into gymnastics, which gives me some hope that her energy might become focused and assuages my fears of her running wild.
It has been an amazing month. She was largely unphased by the move and the chaos, and seems to love the new digs. Space to spread our arms is a good thing, particularly now that I've learned not to regularly lose her and Vito in this gargantuan house. Our living space increased by about four times, and after getting over the initial shock I am now in love with all the space. I am not sure how such a tiny human can manage to fill such a large space, but it is an inevitable fact. She is the most joyous person I have ever met, and she fills my days with light and sunshine. So far, two is not looming as large as I had feared.
This has been a big month. After quitting my PhD, we have spent oodles of time packing, buying furniture for our new house, finding a renter for our old house, closing on our new house, moving into our new house, preparing our old house to be rented, and unpacking at our new house. It has been a whirlwind. The only reason I've even been able to see friends is that they sweetly call me up to say they want to see the new place, boxes and all. If it weren't for the effort on other people's parts, I would never see anyone. I am a lucky lady. All of our friends showed up on the (so far) hottest day of the year to help us lug our crap from our old house to our new one. I am in awe at the home Minnesota has become for us.
As for Miss MJ, she has also had a busy month. We have dropped her down to 2 days a week at daycare. We would have taken her out altogether, but I think DH was worried I would go crazy watching a toddler 24/7, and without family around daycare is our only consistent break. It has turned out to be a godsend, I don't know how else I would have gotten our rental ready. During our move my Mom visited from Oregon, and they had a blast together. As tough as the terrible two's are, she is so riotously fun. I feel like this last month has been an explosion of new skills and new language. It makes me wonder if I only notice it because I'm around more now and I just missed the others, but I think it's more than that.
Particularly in the past week, her language has exploded. We almost have conversations now.
Granted, only I and a select few others can understand them, because who can really understand a 2 year old? But we've been talking a lot about poop, and how Vito poops outside, but MJ and Dada poop inside. What is hers, what belongs to other people. Up and down. Outside and inside. And she is learning so many new words every day, whereas before it was a word every now and then.
She has also begun to have imaginative play in much more intense ways. Baby or Elmo are her two favorite toys, and I frequently walk in on her rocking Elmo, giving Elmo a bottle, or changing Elmo's diaper on some contraption she decided is a changing table. Last night, when DH and I went to sleep, we found Elmo tucked into our bed under 4 hand towels (which are Elmo's blankets). MJ had been asleep for hours, this was apparently some remnant from earlier in the day. When she sees me cook, she pretends to cook. When she sees me clean (a rarity) she pretends to clean. But she can actually entertain herself with all this. I can be in the other room for a good half hour while she concocts elaborate ways to comfort Elmo or position her toy trains. It is amazing and sweet to see.
We also started gymnastics this month. By the end of the first class, during which MJ jumped wildly at every opportunity and hung fearlessly from every bar that was presented, the teacher dubbed her "My fearless one". She is very much in her element, though it is exhausting trying to keep her from injuring herself or someone else while she madly dashes in front of real gymnasts doing actual flips. The gymnasts in the room have already learned to keep one eye on her before they decide whether it is safe to execute a flip, something I wish was not so. She is hard to keep tabs on, but I am proud of her fearlessness, much as it makes me afraid for her. Any fear she lacks is placed onto me. I could really see her getting into gymnastics, which gives me some hope that her energy might become focused and assuages my fears of her running wild.
It has been an amazing month. She was largely unphased by the move and the chaos, and seems to love the new digs. Space to spread our arms is a good thing, particularly now that I've learned not to regularly lose her and Vito in this gargantuan house. Our living space increased by about four times, and after getting over the initial shock I am now in love with all the space. I am not sure how such a tiny human can manage to fill such a large space, but it is an inevitable fact. She is the most joyous person I have ever met, and she fills my days with light and sunshine. So far, two is not looming as large as I had feared.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
21 months
This photo is pretty representative. In the time it took me to get two bags of groceries in the house (only one trip) this whole scene transpired. You found that your kiddie pool had some fresh rainwater in it. You splashed, got wet and cold. Managed to get your shoes off. Tried your darnedest to get your sweater off, until you came trotting up to me in frustration.
I have to say, getting to spend so much time with you these past couple weeks has been glorious. You are learning so much every day, I finally feel like I am teaching, not just protecting. I finally feel like my parenting decisions matter when I see you (sort of, sometimes) starting to share, because you look at me and know you might get a time out if you don't share. I am seeing that you are always happy and even sometimes nice, which is a lot to ask of a toddler. You are starting to make me proud of the little person you're becoming.
You are still fearless. And strong. I hadn't realized how crazy it is that you like to climb up on your changing table when you need to be changed until other parents expressed shock at the thought. Sometimes you don't even tell me you need to be changed, I just walk in and you're sitting there, quietly waiting.
Favorite things: cherries (if only you'd stop eating the pits), books, Elmo, babies (real and pretend), climbing, running, Vito.
My favorite things: watching you learn to communicate. You've been doing two word phrases for a couple months, but you are now getting more creative. You are now insistent in being understood, and if we can't figure out what you mean you pull on our hand to show us. Utterly adorable, even when we don't really want to follow you around. Your newest word is "alligator", which is really just "al-eaqnlfvdvhdbahqlbhvf" i.e. "al" followed by about two seconds of gibberish.
Although I gripe about how high energy you are, I also love it. You are a barrel of fun all the time. Although you are a challenge, your joyfulness is contagious. Your spontaneous hugs make me so glad to be home with you; completely unsolicited, completely unexpected. I am curious how these next few months will go, as you and I settle into the routine of spending so much more time together. I am excited to teach you more about the world, and to play a greater role in your day to day life. When I'm with you, I get to see everything for the first time. Things that have long since lost their fascination, like squirrels, flowers and the moon, are new again.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Make way for ducklings
This was going to be Wordless Wednesday, but I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut. There is a set of duck statues in Boston Garden, and if you've ever read Make Way for Ducklings
(or had it read to you) then it's a must see in Boston. Mj was very attached to one particular duck, kissing him and hugging him. But when she wandered away for a snack, another little girl sat on her duck. When MJ turned around and saw that her duck had been taken over, she ran over and tried to push the little girl off her duck. It was not my proudest mama moment.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I-so-tope
It's a hot night tonight. 11:30 and still 90 degrees outside. Our little AC has been full blast for most of the day, trying desperately to cool an entire house when it was only designed to cool a room. In spite of having found a cool spot to sleep, I cannot sleep.
The full weight of having quit my PhD is starting to fall on me. I thought a lot about this before hand, it was not a rash decision, and it needed to happen. But there are still things that didn't occur to me. I thought about all this time I would have to raise chickens and can tomatoes and go to the zoo. I thought about all these new job opportunities that would open up, but it somehow didn't occur to me that most of them don't require any kind of scientific background. After a four year undergrad degree, plus six more years of scientific training, it is very sad to think that I may have to tuck my science brain away and watch it grow dusty. I could apply for some full time science positions, though even those don't require the sorts of things I am trained to do. And, importantly, they don't solve the problem of wanting to spend more time with MJ. Why are there no part time positions for isotope geochemists with highly specialized training? That's a tough one to answer, I know.
So I am sad tonight. Sad to think that I won't get to investigate scientific puzzles. That I failed at something. That there is no way to study all these things I want to study without being away from MJ for most of her childhood.
Furthermore, it's probably a bad sign that after only a few days of staying home, I am already bored. There is so much to do with the move and all, but my brain is not engaged. I'm giving myself until the fall to figure things out. See how I like staying home. Think about what I want to do with myself. But I can tell you that after only a few days, the only feasible idea I come up with is to write a book. Something about how isotopes can save the world.
p.s. I really want to thank you guys. Many of you have sent me very sweet, very encouraging emails and comments. I don't really know how to respond, because I don't really know what I'm doing. Or what I think. But I need you to know how much I appreciate your encouragement
The full weight of having quit my PhD is starting to fall on me. I thought a lot about this before hand, it was not a rash decision, and it needed to happen. But there are still things that didn't occur to me. I thought about all this time I would have to raise chickens and can tomatoes and go to the zoo. I thought about all these new job opportunities that would open up, but it somehow didn't occur to me that most of them don't require any kind of scientific background. After a four year undergrad degree, plus six more years of scientific training, it is very sad to think that I may have to tuck my science brain away and watch it grow dusty. I could apply for some full time science positions, though even those don't require the sorts of things I am trained to do. And, importantly, they don't solve the problem of wanting to spend more time with MJ. Why are there no part time positions for isotope geochemists with highly specialized training? That's a tough one to answer, I know.
So I am sad tonight. Sad to think that I won't get to investigate scientific puzzles. That I failed at something. That there is no way to study all these things I want to study without being away from MJ for most of her childhood.
Furthermore, it's probably a bad sign that after only a few days of staying home, I am already bored. There is so much to do with the move and all, but my brain is not engaged. I'm giving myself until the fall to figure things out. See how I like staying home. Think about what I want to do with myself. But I can tell you that after only a few days, the only feasible idea I come up with is to write a book. Something about how isotopes can save the world.
p.s. I really want to thank you guys. Many of you have sent me very sweet, very encouraging emails and comments. I don't really know how to respond, because I don't really know what I'm doing. Or what I think. But I need you to know how much I appreciate your encouragement
Monday, June 6, 2011
Life twin.
When we were in Boston, we got the chance to visit some old friends. We didn't get to visit as many old friends as we hoped, but you can only do so much in three days. But, importantly, MJ got to meet Asa. He took some convincing, but he warmed up to her.
I met Asa's mom when I moved onto her couch for a summer in college. I had just broken up with a painter. The painter and I only dated for a few months, but there was massive heartbreak involved. She had just broken up with some writer-emo-very-sensitive-college-boy. Also massive heartbreak. I needed a place to crash for about a month and a half until I left town; Boston's expensive, renting a place wasn't really an option. I knew her roommate and arranged a couch space.
And since that time, we've been life twins. We've drifted in and out of contact. Dated each others friends. Both ended up marrying fantastic guys within a couple months of each other. Both ended up having fantastic kids within a couple months of each other. Somehow manage to buy the same clothes despite not having seen each other for years. Needless to say, we have plotted our children's futures together.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Boston, revisited
Boston is not what I remember. More accurately, I am probably not the girl that Boston remembers, while Boston is mostly the same.
Dh and I met in Boston. Almost a decade ago now. I was a senior, he was a junior, and I remember the first mineralogy class when I saw him. I'll save the rest of that story for another time.
But, because Boston is our roots, when Dh found out he had a work conference out here, he begged me to come. I was skeptical. Traveling with MJ is.... hard. Traveling for only four days hardly seems worth it, but the Boston appeal won me over.
But today, my love affair with Boston grew a little tired. It is such a hard city to get around. It takes so long to get anywhere. Cars are unthinkable. So much traffic and noise. Nowhere for a toddler to just run without getting trampled. Needless to say, I didn't notice or care about any of this as a college student. But others must have, because I think I could count on two hands the number of other strollers I saw all day.
Our life is just not the same. So Boston is just not the same.
What's up for tomorrow? DH told me to "live like a doctor's wife, go shopping on Newbury". Oh my, that is a thought. I'm not sure I'm cut out for the life of a plus one.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Dh and I met in Boston. Almost a decade ago now. I was a senior, he was a junior, and I remember the first mineralogy class when I saw him. I'll save the rest of that story for another time.
But, because Boston is our roots, when Dh found out he had a work conference out here, he begged me to come. I was skeptical. Traveling with MJ is.... hard. Traveling for only four days hardly seems worth it, but the Boston appeal won me over.
But today, my love affair with Boston grew a little tired. It is such a hard city to get around. It takes so long to get anywhere. Cars are unthinkable. So much traffic and noise. Nowhere for a toddler to just run without getting trampled. Needless to say, I didn't notice or care about any of this as a college student. But others must have, because I think I could count on two hands the number of other strollers I saw all day.
Our life is just not the same. So Boston is just not the same.
What's up for tomorrow? DH told me to "live like a doctor's wife, go shopping on Newbury". Oh my, that is a thought. I'm not sure I'm cut out for the life of a plus one.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
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