It's a hot night tonight. 11:30 and still 90 degrees outside. Our little AC has been full blast for most of the day, trying desperately to cool an entire house when it was only designed to cool a room. In spite of having found a cool spot to sleep, I cannot sleep.
The full weight of having quit my PhD is starting to fall on me. I thought a lot about this before hand, it was not a rash decision, and it needed to happen. But there are still things that didn't occur to me. I thought about all this time I would have to raise chickens and can tomatoes and go to the zoo. I thought about all these new job opportunities that would open up, but it somehow didn't occur to me that most of them don't require any kind of scientific background. After a four year undergrad degree, plus six more years of scientific training, it is very sad to think that I may have to tuck my science brain away and watch it grow dusty. I could apply for some full time science positions, though even those don't require the sorts of things I am trained to do. And, importantly, they don't solve the problem of wanting to spend more time with MJ. Why are there no part time positions for isotope geochemists with highly specialized training? That's a tough one to answer, I know.
So I am sad tonight. Sad to think that I won't get to investigate scientific puzzles. That I failed at something. That there is no way to study all these things I want to study without being away from MJ for most of her childhood.
Furthermore, it's probably a bad sign that after only a few days of staying home, I am already bored. There is so much to do with the move and all, but my brain is not engaged. I'm giving myself until the fall to figure things out. See how I like staying home. Think about what I want to do with myself. But I can tell you that after only a few days, the only feasible idea I come up with is to write a book. Something about how isotopes can save the world.
p.s. I really want to thank you guys. Many of you have sent me very sweet, very encouraging emails and comments. I don't really know how to respond, because I don't really know what I'm doing. Or what I think. But I need you to know how much I appreciate your encouragement