Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Are you raising a douchebag?

I've been working on this post for a week now. By working, I mean I wrote this out and then forgot about it for a week. Until I saw this post over on HeirtoBlair. All of this has been prompted by an article on details.com.  I've worried about it before, although MJ is too young to feel entitled.  Yet.

I am very lucky that my husband has a good job. I'm convinced that raising a child is much easier to do when you have money. It allows me to afford things like good daycare (other than the TV), babysitters above the age of 12, takeout that includes vegetables other than ketchup, and housecleaning (because the 3 dishes I wash a week just don't suffice). This frees up my time to focus on my child. To play "Can Mj projectile vomit into Mama's mouth while flying?", read board books like "US weekly", and go for walks to the coffeeshop for some mocha-almond-goodness. Although I spent many years dating long-haired artists and musicians who read Capote in their free time, I'm awfully glad I fell in love with someone who can support me and the babe.
All that being said, I worry.  I worry that MJ will grow up to be a brat.  And now that we've talked about sending her to private school I worry that she will be out of touch with reality.  How will we avoid this?  I've been developing a plan.

When she's old enough, we'll take her on bike rides through the ghetto. This will teach her to pedal fast, not to rely on others to drive her to safety.

We'll give her a chore list as soon as she can read.  We'll use audio chore lists before that.  You don't need a house cleaner if your daughter does it for you.  So that's a two-fer.

We'll refuse to pay for plastic surgery or botox until she's at least 8.  That will give her time to appreciate her inner beauty, but should be early enough that the scars will heal before her cottillion.

We will buy her a car in a color that makes her complexion looked washed out.  We don't want any of that stoplight flirtation.

Lastly, there's no "I" in "Kmart brand".

Tell me, am I forgetting anything?  I think this sounds like a solid plan.  She will surely grow up empathetic and gracious.


  1. Ahahahaha! Can I frame this?

    Never underestimate the benefits of rummage sales. They have the potential to create both thrifty shoppers and crazy pack-rats. Which would definitely necessitate a cleaner.

  2. Enter her in beauty pageants...those little girls on Toddlers and Tiaras all seem sooooo well behaved ;)

  3. Oooohhhh.... I like it. Baby's in bikinis, what could be less entitled than that.