Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Motherly paranoia

I continue to discover new things that I should probably be paranoid about. Recent additions to the list:

1) Garden hoses. Apparently they all contain lead. Or at least, the good ones that don't kink and gets holes and drive me batty contain lead. And since I water my garden, which grows my vegetables, which I then ingest, I should probably care that they contain lead.

2) Mattresses. They're all supposed to be flame retardant now. How do you make something flame retardant? You douse it with chemicals. How stupid is this? Of all the things I do in a day that is likely to cause me to go up in flames, sleeping is the safest. When I accidentally turn the wrong gas burner on and singe my shirt sleeve: far more dangerous. When I spill gasoline on my pants while filling up my car: far more dangerous. But I am supposed to be scared about sleeping? I DON't SMOKE!!! Why the hell would I worry about going up in flames while I'm asleep? You know what else? My baby doesn't smoke! Why does her crib mattress have to be flame retardant? This is a stupid, stupid law.

3) Grass clippings? Cool whip? Converse sneakers? I'm not sure, but there must be something else earth shattering I should be paranoid about. Considering plastics are now unsafe (BPA), as are cosmetics (EDTA) and dogs (saliva) I should just knit my own cocoon out of organic wool and not come out for a while.

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