Saturday, July 25, 2009

It's all about me

Today's the day. The baby shower day. I've never, in my adult life, had a party that was all about me. I'm not very fond of being the center of attention so I actually look at today with a bit of fear. All my years in theater taught me how to pretend I enjoyed the spotlight, but I never succeeded at the real thing. I do, however, like presents more than is healthy. Which I know is not the proper attitude, but there's something so enjoyable about wrapping paper and surprises. Even if they're surprises you registered for.

I managed to not think about this baby in any protracted way for 2 whole days. And when I realized that she had barely crossed my mind I was overcome with guilt. I like to think it was because I wasn't in pain and was actually feeling good so that I could carry on with my life. But it had the same feeling of guilt (though I'm sure not the degree) of some mother who accidentally leaves her child sitting on top of the car when she starts to drive away (I've heard this happened to my uncle. He was the one on top of the car.) Will I be a bad mother? The type that accidentally leaves her child someplace? I am terrified to be that responsible for someone else.

Also, I've probably had 4 "It's a boy!!" dreams this week. It's really starting to make me skeptical of the gender diagnosis we were given. I'm not upset in any of my dreams, more of a "That's cool!" feeling. But I think A and I should decide on a boy's name just in case. Hospitals are no place for the type of knock-down-drag-out-brawls that accompany our life-decision conversations.

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