I lost my feet today. I was in the shower, looked down, and they were gone. The feeling was slight panic. Similar, I imagine, to a child in the early stages of development, when an adult says "I got your nose! Where'd your nose go? It's gone!" and the child starts crying. They honestly are not sure it will ever come back. You were good feet.

Opposite Land

No picture this time. I feel like I need a picture in order to keep people's attention. I decided to post a link to this blog on facebook yesterday; I was very torn about doing so, because part of me wanted to keep it anonymous. I have a terrible habit of being too honest, saying exactly what I think about people, thinking there's no way they would actually read this. And part of me secretly hoping they'll read this, so they can hear what I think, but later regretting the decision. For these reasons, and my inane habit of putting my foot in my mouth and offending whole ethnic groups, weight classes or religions in one fell swoop, I hesitated. But my desire to not be speaking into a void got the better of me, my desire to be heard. And I've heard from a couple of you that you're entertained, meaning at least my embarrassing moments can be joy for someone. So onward I go.

So I've gotten many "Congratulations" about this whole business now that the word is out. It's apparently a natural sentiment, because everyone says it, but I find it an odd one. For a few reasons.
1) What if this was an accident? It wasn't, not that I'm sure I'd confess if it was, but do you congratulate people for accidents? And unless you know for sure, doesn't this make the sentiment thin ice?
2) You're essentially congratulating us for bumping uglies. That A's boys can swim. That my eggs... I don't think my eggs really did anything. Weird thing to congratulate.

I know that for some (many) people it is not so easy. There is much effort involved and thus congratulations are due. Perhaps it is just our own peculiar circumstances that make the whole thing a little odd, I'm sure many have earned those congratulations. For many, the boys didn't just swim, they had to learn freaking acrobatics.

Once you get pregnant, and even before that, you enter opposite land. Suddenly you can tell your parents "We're trying" and they're psyched that their little girl is having sex. This thing that you've tried for a decade or more to avoid suddenly becomes the sought after goal. This condition that would have embarrassed you in High School, and even in College, becomes cause for congratulations.

On a side note, but a happy one, I finally submitted my final revisions for my Master's thesis yesterday. I wash my hands of it. I take a few days off (thus blogging rather than working). I go buy maternity clothes. That is how I celebrate.

Brown chicken, brown cow.

I had an ultrasound last week for a Downs screen. During the exam I could see little hands move whenever the ultrasound tech. pushed on my belly. It was just amazing. It was the first time it clicked that this thing that's growing is actually human.

A was bummed he couldn't be at the ultrasound, so I stopped by the ER today and he did another quick ultrasound. It looks like there might be some thumb sucking! I researched online, and though there's some disagreement about when exactly thumb sucking starts, some place it as early as 7 to 9 weeks.

I also read that there's a relationship between prenatal thumbsucking and postnatal handedness, but unfortunately I can't quite figure out the orientation oft the baby relative to this picture. I think the head is down, which I think makes it the right hand, but I'm not sure.

Last thing I have to say, is that I got the first completely unnecessary baby item. But really, I think it was necessary. Brown chicken, brown cow?

So I managed to piss off the internet yesterday. Seriously. Like, the whole internet. Or so it felt. I made the mistake of posting a link to an article in the NY Times about a study linking obesity during pregnancy to increased rates of birth defects. I included a comment that I was finally doing something right, after feeling like daily I hear about all the things I'm doing wrong during pregnancy.

Sweet Jesus, Mary & Joseph! If there were e-pitchforks I would have been skewered. I managed to piss off hundreds (thousands, for all I know) of women on thebump.com. Ridiculous. They all apparently felt personally attacked and were convinced that I wish them ill and take joy out of other people being overweight. WHAT! I posted a link to a study. And every overweight woman felt I was personally out to get her. I guess I forget that people can take science and truth as a personal attack on them. I prefer to know what studies say, I'm not a fan of ignorance is bliss. It's up to you to filter the information, not me.

Anyway. Taught me a few lessons.

1) Because I can choose the content I visit on the internet, I find myself thinking that the spectrum of people on the internet are smarter, wittier and more interesting than the spectrum of people I meet in real life. That's not true. I know it's not true, but I forget. The internet is not created by a bunch of amusing gnomes that I don't encounter in the real world. And all those super annoying, dim-witted people I meet daily are some of the same people that are on the internet. I choose not to read their rantings, but when they choose to read mine I am subject to all their thick-headedness and ire.

2) A very small part of me enjoys pissing people off. But once it gets to a point that I can't talk them back down I no longer enjoy it. This means it's probably good I didn't pursue a career in law or politics, which I've so often pondered.

3) Sincerity is not translatable on the internet. I have a serious foot in mouth problem, always have. But in real life I can generally convince people I meant nothing by what I said, I just happened to say something stupid. On the internet, this doesn't seem to hold true.

Anyway, apologies to those I offended (not that they're likely to be reading this here blog.) Apologies to those I've further offended by this post. But please put your pitchforks away.

Musings

Quick note, then I must run for the bus.
1) I absolutely dread telling people I'm pregnant. Dh told all his coworkers yesterday. Me? I'd prefer to send an e-mail, or sic husband on them. Every time you tell someone there's so much drama. Women: screech and hug you. Ugh. Men: shift their gaze, look uncomfortable. No thank you. Yes, I'm pregnant. Now moving on.

2) I forgot number two. It was good though. Will post it later.

On Costa!

Map of the general area we're headed... won't be more specific because a) she deserves her privacy and b) I'm not exactly sure where on the map we're headed. Google street view hasn't exactly made it to backwoods Costa yet.


So we have booked our flight... a 'babymoon' of sorts though certainly not a traditional sit on your ass and watch waves sort of endeavour. We're headed to the Peninsula de Nicoya of Costa Rica. I visited there when I was 16 to see my friend who's family had whisked her there (permanently). I've only seen her a few times since then.

The last time was 5 years ago when I showed up on her doorstep in Oregon right as she went into labor. I stayed the night while she gave birth. It was strange but somehow felt normal. Inexplicable. Now I show up on her doorstep but will hopefully not be the one to go into labor.

So now the planning begins. How do we get from San Jose to her house? is 4-wheel drive necessary? Can we even find her on a map? I don't know the answers to all these questions, don't particularly have the time to find answers but know we somehow will. I'm psyched. This is exactly the sort of adventure I need before settling down into Mama-dom.

In other news, we visited our first child care option the other day. Before we went we were stoked about this place; super convenient to us, a center but a very small center. But ugh. Not impressed. Neither dh nor I wanted to admit it, but we were both turned off by the trashiness of the staff. Everyone seemed very nice, very loving to the kids, etc., but the vibe I got was more I heart Walmart than I heart Ikea. Not that those should necessarily be determining factors, and not that I'm proud of my bias, but if these are to be a child's adult role models I wasn't sure that I wanted them instilling their values into my child.

But, to be fair, that was the first place we visited. Perhaps we will find that nurturer (which I'm convinced is a role the staff would excel at) is a more important role for our children than educator and mentor. Ideally we'd like some place that has all of this but that isn't pretentious. Do such places exist? I do not know but aim to find out.

Procrastination Nation

Wow, I have no excuse for how unproductive I've been for the past 1.5 weeks. I have a Master's thesis I need to revise, and all I can do with my time is cruise baby message boards and read about cloth diapering.

The cloth diaper studying is necessary, turns out, because it's apparently one of the most complicated endeavors ever. Before doing anything, one should know the weight, the gender, the leg circumference, and generally how much time/money I feel like spending on each diaper. There are prefolds, fitteds, all-in-ones, pockets, etc. (am I forgetting anything?) and everyone has their own preference. I think this is the actual reason more people don't cloth diaper, because it's so freakin complicated. And it's a large investment, so one should really do their homework. Ugh. And I find myself frustrated, because I want to start acquiring my stockpile now, but I don't know what I'm having (i.e. I know I'm having a baby, just not what flavor.) And much as I'm a fan of gender neutral equipment, all the multipacks you can buy are gender specific. Frustrating, because I want there to be NO pink regardless of the gender. But I also don't intend to have my child dressed so gender neutral that no one can tell what it is. Why add confusion to sexuality unnecessarily? Anyway, my customer technique is to cruise sale websites and acquire things when they go on sale. But until I know the gender, I guess I'll have to wait. That will only give me 6 months (half joking)! And hopefully I won't be wasting so much time by then.

Anyway. In other news, the search for a baby name and child care has begun. Name: daunting to think how I may be scarring a child for life. Child care: daunting to think how much money it will cost, and guilt ridden to think I'm a bad mother before I've even begun for abandoning my child to a stranger.

Haven't posted in a week, probably time for an update. I survived last week. That's the most positive thing I can say about it. I (kind of) passed my big PhD exam and got overy my sickness.

By kind of passed, I mean that my committee essentially doesn't believe the published versions of the Uranium cycle, the understanding of which is crucial to my work. So they want me to recalculate it and write it up by the end of the semester. It's a worthwhile exercise, I don't mind the assignment. But couldn't they have just said "Passed" and then also asked me to do this? Now I have to tell everyone "Passed, with reservations" which is somewhat humiliating. I know logically it's no big deal and not humiliating; they complimented my presentation and my paper. But it's hard to shake the feeling.

As for the whole pregnancy business, the wonder and amazement has worn off a bit of late. I primarily feel sick and fat, not like I'm growing a person. When I imagine growth, I imagine little seedlings popping through the soil. I imagine warm days and eggs hatching. None of these things are happening to me. It is generally below zero, no signs of life anywhere. Sickness and fatness don't endear me to the little creature yet, though I'm sure that will come in due time. I haven't been feeling well enough to head to the gym, making me feel even fatter and more trapped inside. I think much of this funk is just winter getting to me, I shouldn't be taking it out on Button. BTW, I definitely need a better nickname than Button. I keep thinking "Parasite" but that sounds unkind. Maybe Paris for short?

Sick, sick, sick.

This is turning into quite a terrible week. Sunday I (likely) destroy my laptop. Particularly important because friday (day-after-tomorrow) I take my preliminary oral exams (i.e. biggest event of my PhD other than the dissertation defense.) On top of that, my morning sickness kicked in Monday (thankfully only mildly) and I caught dh's cold. Ended up with a fever of 102 last night, so I've been taking acetaminophen all day to keep the fever down.

There's a sad dearth of info. about this. But I did find a little something here: Effects of high fever during the first trimester. I didn't actually start searching google scholar, as I am wont to do, but at any rate I have decided to do what I can to keep the fever down.

Pet peeve of the day: people who post stupid comments in online forums, making it apparent they haven't read any of the other comments and asking for advice such as "Oh my god, I have a fever of 99 degrees and I'm 5 weeks pregnant! Please tell me what I should do!" Seriously? If you had read the article you're posting your question to it would have been answered. This is why I generally stick to google scholar.

Must get more work done, but find myself needing to sleep every hour. I'm getting nothing accomplished. I have fears that my exam is going to be awful but I don't have the capacity right now to work to change that...

7 weeks 1ish day.

First day of puking. Brought on by this nasty cough that dh passed along to me, and the ongoing slight queasiness. I really can't complain, I've been feeling excellent so far. Everyone else I've heard of that gets morning sickness seems to be hit by it in week 5 or 6. Not that I really know my exact "week" but I'm 7 or greater. Biggest problem is probably that all I want to eat is rich comfort foods. So I made some mac n' cheese today. It would be nice to not get fat and pregnant. Just pregnant would be sufficient.

So the 'secret' is mostly out. We told the mothers and father; they told most of the rest. We had asked them to keep it to themselves, but under (over?) estimated their ability to do so. I'm glad they're happy but I'm paranoid something will happen. Though the part of me that wonders if I'm ready for this thinks I wouldn't be devastated if something did happen. I don't think that's actually true, though.

Cute story of the day. DH goes up to our friend B on Saturday and says "I have a surprise for you. Wanna be the first to know?"

B says "Hold on, I'll be right back." Runs in the other room and returns with a card.

Card is signed by all our closest buds. They had even sent it to themselves a week ago in order to prove to us that they had known and were just waiting for us to tell them. T apparently told the group "She's not drinking and they're building a room in their basement. I am 100% positive that she's pregnant."

It's amazing what good friends we have.