Story time

May Days

Before Teddy was born, during the sunset of 2013, my Mom was fond of saying that 2014 would be the year that I just wouldn't remember.

While the details feel so intricate to me now, I fear she may be right.  Although Teddy is sleeping much better than he was, he is still up twice a night, followed by a 6 am wakeup from the big kids.  I seem unable to fall asleep before 10:00 on most nights.  So I spend much of my day in a haze, with days (like today) that I question whether I should even be driving.

May started a few days ago, right?  Isn't Cinco De Mayo in a couple days?

Sadly, no, that was 16 days ago.  So perhaps I really will forget this year, and I should write down a few things.  I like bulleted lists.  So here's a few events of late.

1.  Tonight we went to the end of year picnic for MJ's school.  It is such a magical place, with goats and llamas and chickens and rabbits and ponies and burros.  Although she enjoys animals now, when she was a toddler we'd take her to the zoo or the aquarium and she was bored unless there was something to climb.  Completely uninterested in the animals around her.  Greta, on the other hand, is nuts for animals.  Absolutely cannot get enough of them.  Although MJ loves this school, I think Greta would be in absolute heaven.  We'll see.  We had planned to send MJ there next year for kindergarten, but she got into a public school down the block from our house and will not be returning in the fall.  We are excited but will miss this magical place.  Perhaps Greta will come in a couple years.

2.  A week and a half ago my Mom arrived.  I had a long list of projects to accomplish while she was here.  During her stay I: built 4 different pieces of patio furniture, a bunk bed, installed the water line for the automatic ice maker on our fridge, cleaned our basement and packed a bunch of baby clothes for my sister in law, fixed a shelf, fixed a lamp, planted bulbs, installed an internet camera, and spread mulch over our front yard.  This is on top of a lot of cleaning and cooking and general wifeliness.

In addition to feeling so accomplished, it was so nice to have my Mom here.  I dare say I enjoyed her visit much more than her last visit.  I so dreaded her departure last time that it almost prevented me from enjoying her stay.  I realized that she and I are alike in this.  If something is hanging over my head, I can't enjoy the moment I'm experiencing.  This is also why I would rather flee town in the middle of the night than have to say goodbye (which she does, too, starting her drive at 3 a.m.!)  We also had some wonderful conversations that made me realize how well she knows me.  Now, being a parent, it often boggles my mind that I used to be the flailing toddler on the ground that she had to endure.  It's not that I thank her so much for those moments, it's that I thank her for continuing to come back and put up with me in spite of them.

3.  The girls have been sharing a bedroom since last August.  It has gone exceptionally well.  There was a short spell in December where MJ was waking Greta up in the morning.  Since MJ often wakes up long before G, this led to a very tired Greta and a very grumpy Mom.  We moved MJ's mattress into another room for a week, as a way of driving home that if she wakes her sister up she can't share a room with her.  During that week both girls slept poorly, with many middle of the night wake ups.  It was really more of a punishment for me, apparently.  So we moved them back together and it has continued to be wonderful.  Until a week and a half ago Greta was still in her crib and MJ was in her toddler bed.

But over the past month I have wanted the crib for Teddy; he was in a pack and play or a smaller crib, but I was convinced it was time to transition.  Furthermore, with my Mom in town, it was a good time to assemble a major piece of furniture.  So we bought one on Amazon and assembled it a week and a half ago.

The girls were so excited.  It was a major project.  8 man hours spent building this thing (5 or 6 of those were woman hours).  Plus the mattresses we bought for it (another major internet research project... mattresses stress me out...)

But it was a rough start.  MJ went to sleep fine, but Greta could not stay in her bed.  Although she had been napping in her sisters bed for months, that was always when MJ was out of the room.  With MJ in the room, in the TOP BUNK, she just wanted to climb up there and play.  MJ would fall asleep and Greta would climb up and pull her hair.  Lots of tears.  Lots of yelling.

So we put Greta in the pack and play.  And the next night.  Many nights.  The first couple nights she wanted to sleep in the pack and play.  The next couple nights she would start in her bed, and then climb out of it, and we would put her in the pack and play.

But finally, we are having some success.  She has now slept in her bed for the past few nights without getting out and bothering her sister.  Then they wake up in the morning and play.  I am back to thinking this was a good idea, but not with enough confidence to fold up the pack and play.

4.  Greta.  Oh, Greta.  If I had any sense at all, this age (22 months) would be my least favorite.  Because she really is a terror.  She's becoming more sweet, but she's still a terror.  She doesn't abuse Vito quite as much as she used to.  She is nicer to her brother than she used to be.  Today I even saw her share and play with another kid.  At the same time, though, she is a runner.  She loves to run away from me.  MJ never did this, perhaps because I could always carry her if there was an issue.  But with Teddy in my arms, Great sees the opportunity to bolt in the opposite direction.  It drives me nuts.  It makes me angry.  And I'm afraid she'll get hurt.  I do not know how to get her to stop.  I think I must just endure it.

But she is so sweet, too.  She loves to cuddle in a way that MJ never did.  She constantly wants to climb into my lap and read books.  Books, books, all the time.  We have a picture encyclopedia that she looks at constantly.  Also a couple Dallas Clayton books.  And, of course, Curious George.  She gives me unprovoked kisses and hugs.  How could I not adore this?  And the chatter.  So much chatter.  I think she's right on the verge of a language explosion; more and more new words popping up, and more complex expressions every day.  I can't decide whether I look forward to more language or not.

5.  MJ is a sweet kid.  She makes me proud to be her Mama 98% of the time.  I am constantly told by strangers how well spoken she is.  And she has finally become a neighborhood kid.  The other kids knock on our fence to ask if she's free to play and are bummed if she isn't.  I expect she'll be leading the pack soon enough, because it seems she's the one that is always furnishing the ideas of what to play.  It is fascinating to watch her become part of her community.  She is so much like her Dad.  And, much like him, she makes me so crazy and so happy, all at the same time.

6.  And Teddy.  My baby.  I am trying to soak up every moment of babyness.  I think if someone could just hand me a 4-month-old, without having to endure pregnancy or newbornhood, I would take it.  Every time. So we'd go from a family of 5 to a family of 15.  He has started to grab faces and pull hair.  Greta looked shocked at first, but now seems to find it funny.  And totally endures it, doesn't try to hit back.  MJ spends a chunk of every day trying to get him to laugh.  It is all so freaking adorable.  I try to remember how adorable it is, always.  Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail.

4 months

This was a big month for you, little man.  This month you lost two of your favorite things: your pacifier and your swaddle.  But you also started nursing and started sleeping better.  This month brought many, many smiles.  Some true belly laughs.  This month was the month that I can no longer quite remember what our family was like without you.  You seem to have always been here.  You have just started to pull hair, and Greta looks utterly shocked when you manage to get a hold of hers: she stares at you in disbelief that you are becoming a worthy opponent.  And then she laughs.

You have started to become fascinated with Vito, though you haven't managed to get a hold of him yet.  You had two nights when you slept through the night, from 7 pm to 6 am.  But the rest of the time you are up one to two times a night.  I am already getting spoiled with your better sleep, because now I feel like I am still exhausted and you need to be sleeping better, though I know this is world's better than you were doing and I'll probably just put up with it for now.

You're still not very good at nursing.  If you are at all sleepy, you just fall asleep at the breast.  This is the same issue you've had since you were born.  I think the reason you're nursing better now is that you are more alert, so you have periods in the day when you actually nurse well.  But prior to you starting to nurse, 1 week before you turned 4 months, I was only pumping about 20 ounces a day, so I know my supply is not great.  And for me, as soon as my supply starts to go down, I seem to be unable to get it back up, no matter how much I pump or nurse.  Don't know why that is, but with 3 kids now that has always been the case.  So we nurse 4 to 5 times a day, I figure you get somewhere between 10 and 20 ounces, and I try not to stress about it beyond that.

Your sisters adore you.  Greta is still warming up to all this, but she is starting to really enjoy "playing" with you, as much as a 21 month old can play with a baby.  This is going to be alright.  In fact, this is going to be better than alright.

Day in the life, Spring 2014

It's hard to believe that a year ago when I did a day-in-the-life post, I had just found out I was pregnant.  Despite it being tops in my mind I had to keep it to myself.  Now here I sit, with an almost-four-month-old.  It continues to amaze me how much can change in a year.  What will I do when my life is no longer changing by leaps and bounds on an annual basis?

The date is Friday, April 25, 2014.  MJ is 4 1/2, Greta is 21 months and Teddy is just shy of 4 months.

4:00 a.m. Teddy cries out.  Although he slept through the night twice this week (from 7 p.m. until 6 a.m.) he is usually up once a night.  This is not a complaint, since it is worlds better than what we were dealing with a few short weeks ago.  In addition, I decided earlier this week to cut back on pumping (which I had been doing 6 times a day, pumping ~20 oz of milk).  I was feeling burned out, and with recurrent clogged ducts just needed to gain some more sanity.  On a whim, I decided to try nursing him a few days ago.  I didn't expect much, because the last few times I had tried, almost a month ago, he had screamed and screamed.  This time, though, he latched.  And he nursed.  That was Tuesday, and he's been nursing throughout the day since.  I still supplement with formula, but he seems to be getting a fair amount, and my supply seems to be going up a bit.  It still makes me a bit crazy, and I kind of wish it just hadn't worked at all, but I'll continue this for a while to see how it goes.  As long as I don't get caught up in it, feeling guilty if I have to supplement, it won't make me crazy.  I just have to keep reminding myself he's getting more than if I stopped altogether.  So cutting corners is better than stopping altogether.

But I digress.  I nursed him on side and fell asleep, but he freaked out when I put him in his crib.  So I nursed the other side and he fell asleep for good.  This is part of what makes me so crazy with nursing.  Because I know that I don't have a strong supply, any time he is ever upset I assume he must be hungry and it is my fault.

When I climb back in bed, hubs grumbles that he's been up with Greta since 2:00 a.m.  Both of the littles (littlest littles) have colds.  Greta got it first and gave it to Teddy, and she's been up for the past few nights.  This wouldn't have been so bad, but hubs and I were feeling overly confident in our children's sleep last night, and felt like enjoying the first night of a three-day weekend with him home, and had staid up late watching American Hustle.  By late, I mean 10:30.  He had said he'd get up with the kids in the morning, and I'm starting to wonder if I will lose that offer.

6:00 a.m. Teddy stirs, he's not really upset but he doesn't seem likely to go back to sleep, so I put him in the swing and cross my fingers.  I think shortly thereafter hubs got up and gave him a bottle but I was too sleepy to know what was going on.  I think MJ also got up at some point and was told to go sleep in the guest room so she doesn't wake her sister.  Again, hubs dealt with that and I'm not sure what happened.  

7:00 a.m. Husband's alarm goes off to remind him of a meeting.  Apparently he had forgotten about this.  My hopes of sleeping in are out the door.  I feel somewhat annoyed but must not be too sleep deprived because I manage to keep it at bay.  Teddy still seems hungry so I bring him into bed and nurse him.  Greta is still asleep and I hear MJ pounding around downstairs, probably getting into Easter candy she's not supposed to have (and, I later realize, eating some oatmeal hubs made for her before he left).  I spend this quiet time checking email and Instagram, including the comments on a post comparing MJ and Teddy as babies.   Teddy falls asleep and I try to snooze.

This outfit.  I don't remember where it came from, but it's so very 1995 it makes me giggle.

This face.  I die, every time.

7:40 a.m. I give up trying to fall back asleep, especially once it dawns on me I might be able to get a quick shower, a luxury I never get in the morning because mornings are simply too crazy and I can't trust Greta alone with Teddy for a moment.  I put Teddy in his crib and he stays asleep.   I weigh myself, up 2 1/2 pounds.  I've been trying to buckle down and lose the baby weight, and had been doing really well, quickly losing 5 pounds.  Apparently it wasn't real, though, because a day of more normal eating and it all springs back.  I know it will be easier in a few months, but I'm anxious.  Anyway, I climb in the shower and try to be quick and quiet.

7:55 a.m. Climb out of the shower and turn off the fan to listen for the sound of crying.  Amazingly, everything is still quiet.  What an unusual start to the day.  

8:00 a.m. G is up and she sounds angry.  To be fair, she is always angry when she wakes up.  In my quest to get Teddy to sleep better I had been reading about sleep issues, and apparently this signifies that she has no period of lighter sleep before waking but wakes immediately out of a deep sleep.  There's nothing to do about it and it's not necessarily bad, but it does mean we're doomed to a grouchy waker forever.  I am also a grouchy waker, so I have probably earned this.

What treasures await me in that diaper?

When I go in her room I see that she has unzipped her footy pajamas and partially taken off a poopy diaper.  She has been occasionally unzipping her pajamas for a couple weeks now, so I should know better, but I keep forgetting.  This is the first gross outcome but it was only a matter of time.  Although it is seriously gross it could be about hundred times worse because it is 99% contained. I change her and immediately Teddy starts crying as well.  She's a hot mess and also wants a lot of cuddling when she first wakes up.  She also has some serious jealousy of me holding Teddy, and she's hungry, so she turns into a flailing puddle on the floor when I have to go get him.

This is what I'm dealing with, folks.  I had intended this to be a D-SLR post, but couldn't find my camera all day.  Next time around, I hope.

This jacket.  It's stuck.  

Life is so hard.  And I don't know why.  This is the face I must console whilst nursing.

Also poopy, this makes my 3rd diaper change of the day. I change him as well and then sit down to nurse him.  I do my best to soothe her while feeding Teddy.  MJ comes upstairs to see what is going on, and I ask her to get Greta a banana while I nurse.  After much coaxing, Greta follows MJ downstairs.  However, Greta fails to eat it at the table and gets angry at Vito when he steals it from her while she's climbing up the stairs.  She still doesn't really speak many words, but she understands a great deal.  She comes into Teddy's room, still crying, and I ask her if she was sitting on a chair to eat her banana.  She looks guilty.  I tell her that Vito wouldn't have eaten her banana if she'd been at the table and she calms down.  She gets it.  I look forward to language development because I think it will solve so many of these issues.  At least, I hope so.

Awaiting me downstairs.  Queen Elsa.

And then, the next moment, playing dead on the kitchen floor.  I don't know why.

8:35 a.m. I finally finish nursing Teddy and head downstairs. I get breakfast for Greta and I; Cheerios  for her and oatmeal for me.  And coffee, of course.  Trying to get back to this diet today after too many potato chips yesterday.  Despite Greta's melt down, this is a seriously good morning so far, and I even have time to go to the bathroom while Greta eats and Teddy plays happily on his mat.  My standards for "good morning" have apparently sunk pretty low.

This girl could eat cheerios for 3 meals a day.  There are worse things.

Fueling our day.

This boy almost always wants personal interaction, which is fine (and fun).  But when he plays happily by himself it's amazing.

This video is 4 minutes, but a pretty accurate representation of my life right now.  When no one's crying, that is.

9:08 a.m. I text hubs for an update.  Although he had a meeting, he's supposed to be done by 9:30, at the latest, and plans to head home after.  I have decided to go for a walk to a park, since it's sunny outside and relatively warm, and I hope that he can join us.   But his plans change frequently and I'm trying to decide whether to wait for him.  I also see that our last texts to each other were argument texts.   I hate when that happens, and it brings up memories of an argument you've gotten past.  I wish there was a clear screen function on iMessage.  First world problems.

I didn't remember to take many selfies.  This is about as much as you get.

Last night, while G was playing quietly in the bathroom and we knew we should probably parent, she was apparently filling up my bobby pin container with water.  Could have been worse.

G loves to reorganize my makeup while I'm in the shower.  I never quite know where anything is.

Everyone is happy to entertain Teddy. 

So very proud of her parenting skillz. 

9:25 a.m. I finish putting on makeup and try to FaceTime Nana but there is no answer (she's 2 hours behind, so probably still sleeping). Hubs will be back at 10.  Change Greta, 4th diaper today.  Teddy, G and I start to go downstairs, but Greta freaks out and wants to hold my hand going down.  This is a recurrent problem.  She won't go up or down stairs unless being carried or holding hands (which isn't terribly safe because she uses you like a rail and often falls while holding your hand).  Though she's fine going up and down if there's something she wants to get, just not if we're all going at the same time.  ::sigh:: Toddler idiosyncracies.  I get another bottle for Teddy, making 7 ounces total for the day. Also another diaper change, already up to 5.  I'm vaguely curious how many I change in a day. I decide to spend the time until Dad gets home packing a lunch.  PB&J, crackers and cheese, apple slices and some leftover pizza from dinner.  All this gets piled into the stroller (which has weird baskets that can't accommodate a diaper bag) along with diapers, wipes, water bottles, bottles, formula, Moby, sunscreen, and extra clothes.  Dad gets home at 10:00 and he helps get socks and shoes on the girls, hats for everybody.

Who knew that solo-stair-climbing was so traumatic?

Her favorite book, the picture encyclopedia, circa 1984.  May need to consider finding an updated one, since the pictures can be a bit confusing.

Lunch helper.

Apparently, a whole hour since breakfast was just too long and a snack was needed.  MJ taught Greta how to suck up peas with her mouth.  The lesson was adequately passed along.

This girl still loves hats, luckily for all of us.

10:15 a.m. Finally out the door.  Teddy and Greta are riding in the double stroller and MJ is on her bike, which she has recently learned to ride on 2 wheels.  We ride by some neighbors who are super impressed that our little 4 1/2 year old already has her training wheels off.  While Dad is playing with his phone, I cross the street with MJ and the stroller.  There is a car coming that I hadn't seen and Aaron is furious with me for having let her cross (to be fair, the stop signs still made this is a safe crossing, but we just usually make her wait for all cars).  This is one of the many reasons why I don't let MJ ride her bike unless Aaron is around, it's just too much for me to keep tabs on.  The rest of the walk/ride is uneventful.  A beautiful, slightly chilly and breezy spring day.  I love our neighborhood full of old Victorian houses.

Ready to travel.

The road crossings are the toughest part.

10:45 a.m. We arrive at the tot lot.  I like this play ground because there is nothing beyond Greta's ability, so I don't have to watch her quite as closely lest she get herself in a bind.  Even though it's far below MJ's ability, she still enjoys it.  This particular day is the busiest I have ever seen it (I later realize this is because a nearby preschool group is here).  I immediately recognize two moms from a local mom's group and chat with them for a short time.  It's nice to finally feel like a local and know people almost anywhere I go.  

Tot lot, from our chaos to theirs. 

Someone feels the need to meet all the babies.

It's usually me holding this guy, so this is an unusual view.

G doesn't quite have the "pushing" part down, but is happy to ride.

As soon as we arrive Greta starts asking for a snack.  This drives me nuts.  Every time we go somewhere she spends most of the time just eating or begging for a snack.  Why do I bother taking them places?  When I'm not paying attention, Greta convinces some moms to put her in the swing and push her. My children are not shy.  There are also multiple incidents of little boys peeing on a nearby tree, one of which involves some serious pee competition between two little boys.  I am oddly looking forward to parenting a little boy.   After a while, I get the lunch out and we plop down to eat.  It starts to get cold once I sit down, and Teddy starts making his little cold noises.  We decide it's almost time to depart.

11:25 a.m. Pile back in the stroller while Dad takes a work call.  An uneventful return home, despite Teddy having gone a long time without eating.

11:50 a.m.  We arrive home.  As expected, chaos immediately ensues, with everyone needing something.  Dad puts the stroller on the porch and takes the girls inside.  He gets G another snack.  I change another Teddy diaper (the 6th) and change his clothes for the 3rd time.  This boy pees and poops through diapers in ways the girls never did.  I nurse Teddy and he falls asleep so I put him in his crib with the movement monitor.  When I go back downstairs I change G's diaper (7th) and look outside to see Vito roaming in our (unfenced) front yard.  Ugh.  In the chaos of coming inside he apparently got outside, why he didn't run off is beyond me.  Something is always forgotten.

Hubs and I discuss what dish we will bring to our friends house that evening and he rushes me out the door to stop by the grocery store on my way to a lunch date.  He heads upstairs to put G down for a nap and I grab my laptop and head out the door.

12:35 p.m. I'm in the van.  I realize I don't have enough time to get to the grocery store, decide what to make and meet my friend on time.  So I decide to just arrive early and spend 10 minutes at Peapods, the eco-friendly toy store next door.   It's so rare I get to drive anywhere by myself and I totally love the quiet drive (with my music blasting, of course).  I pickup 5 used cloth diapers at Peapods.  I've been cloth-diapering T and G part-time, and Teddy is growing out the newborn diapers I have so I feel I could use a few more diapers in my rotation.  But I can't bring myself to buy new ones, so this is a great compromise.  I also pick up a jump rope for MJ.

Yay!  A test train for the new light-rail slated to open near our house in June. So curious to see how this effects things.

A realization I have forgotten more selfies.  This is my attempt.

1:00 p.m. Lunch!  This is both a chance to catch up with a good friend and a chance to ask a few questions about a class I'm slated to teach at a local community college this summer.  I'm nervous, because only two students have enrolled for it (2!) and we have already hired a nanny for the summer.  I feel slightly better after some reassurance that there's a good chance it will still fill.  Still not sure what I'll do if the class is cancelled and I have a nanny 3 days a week....

2:15 p.m. I receive a frantic phone call from the hubs.  There is much crying in the background.  I made the comment before leaving that if he wanted me home by 2:00 I'd be home by 2:00, but I didn't think he'd take me up on it.  Clearly, I was wrong, so I wrap up quickly and hop in the van.

2:30 p.m. Arrive home.  Hubs is a mess.  He's furious that I didn't stop at the grocery store because now we have nothing to bring, but doesn't want me to leave and get anything either.  It seems Teddy didn't nap long (about 45 minutes, which is typical) and then his crying woke Greta.  She woke up furious (she almost always does...)  And on top of that, hubs squeezed in a 45 minute nap.  Despite anger from all sides I'm not feeling real sympathetic.  Abundant comments coming from hubs that amount to "I could never do your job..." help a bit.  A recognition that this is all hard always helps.  After coaxing, soothing and cuddling the littles, and the hubs, everyone is a bit better.  I propose cutting up a watermelon we have.  I also propose toasting pecans and making a blue cheese dressing for a pear salad, and we can just grab pears and lettuce to prepare at our friends place.  Despite much drama about not going at all, everyone agrees and I get to work.  In addition, everyone must have clean diapers (I've lost count on diapers now.... 9, I think).  Toys for everyone.  Sweatshirts.  Water bottles.  Bottles.  Formula.  Moby.  Beer.  Food.  

This photo does not do justice to how angry everyone in the house was.  How dare Mom have an hour to herself.

The only happy companion while I prep food.

Baby coos, they just never get old.

3:30 p.m. Out the door.  The drive to our friends place, in Minneapolis, is only 10 minutes with no traffic.  On some days, though, it can easily get to 45 minutes.  We made a point to get out the door early so as to not get stuck in traffic, and it definitely helps.  Both MJ and Teddy fall asleep on the drive, and Greta babbles happily and incoherently.  We drive into Uptown Minneapolis (home of the hipster!) and stop at a grocery store to grab lettuce, pears and CocaCola.  I go to our local food co-op so often that the feel of a normal grocery store stuns me a bit; trashy magazines and lots of chips.  First world problems.  It says something about my life right now.

Apparently, sissy falling asleep is hilarious.

Where does this crap come from?

Beautiful day.  Amazing friends.

Always up for some baby holding.  You bring the arms, I'll bring the baby.

We supplied half the children that were there.  ::ugh::  But what sweet children they were.

4:15 p.m.  Arrive at our friends place and park in the driveway so that MJ can sleep for a little bit longer.  Teddy immediately wakes up and I go inside to finish the salad while hubs parents.  We check out the attic of our friends place which they have recently refinished to use as a master bedroom (amazing!); I get a vague desire to use our attic as a master bedroom, and then remember that our bedroom is the messiest room in the house and it's best to keep that mess contained.

4:35 p.m.  Hubs wakes up MJ and I sit in the living room to nurse Teddy.  Afterwards, I put him in the Moby and he is so very discontent.  He's been vaguely sick, but his stuffy nose really seems to be bothering him and I bounce him constantly in the Moby to keep him happy.  He finally falls asleep.  

MJ scrapes her leg on some bricks and cries violently and briefly, as with most of her injuries.  We spend much of our time doling out watermelon slowly to our children to pacify them.  They snack on other things as well and I have no real idea what they've eaten.  This group of friends are amazing cooks and always have some pretty amazing food at gatherings so I don't worry much about their nutrition.  Even if it's not ideal, at least they're eating new and interesting foods.

We chat with some folks who are considering accepting a job here who are currently living in my hometown in Oregon.  I have an awkward interaction with a man I haven't seen in three years, who used to be on my PhD committee, before I quit.  We finally eat about 6:00; I tend to eat dinner very early (I would be happy to have it at 4:00 every day) so these more normal dinner times are sometimes tough for me.  

6:10 p.m  Nurse again.  Greta plays soccer with my former committee member's kids, who are much older than her and very, very sweet with her.  I really have no idea what MJ was doing during most of this time.  This is the beauty of older children and I can't help but look forward to a day when they are all self-sufficient.

7:15 p.m. After 30 minutes of warnings to hubs and the kids, we finally pack up and leave.  Our stuff is scattered everywhere and I'm sure we've forgotten something (I later find we forgot the Moby... the horror!  Also a pair of socks, which is not surprising since the girls take off their socks every chance they get).  It's still sunny and beautiful out so hubs and I decide to sit on the front porch when we get home.

7:40 p.m.  In the door.  Vito gets out again; he must be trying, we are not this bad.  But we see it happen and herd him back inside.  As per usual, hubs is in charge of getting the girls to bed (40 minutes past their bedtime) and I'm in charge of Teddy.

8:10 p.m Finish nursing Teddy and top him off with a bottle.   MJ gets in trouble for coming out of her room and playing (I am too harsh with her, but I am tired....)  I grab a beer and meet hubs on the front porch; I am unnecessarily grumpy about the absence of Blue Moon and the absence of a comfy front porch chair.  In an effort to be nice, hubs grabs me a chair and goes and gives teddy more bottle because he's still crying.  Teddy often snacks until he's full, making bedtime a very imprecise time. Not so much of an issue during the day, but annoying at night when you're just trying to get him to sleep.  You're never quite sure if this is the bottle that filled him up or just paused him for two minutes.

8:30 p.m. Hubs comes outside and chats, but after a few minutes I realize the monitor is off.  When I turn it on, Teddy is crying.  I convince hubs to go back up, and this time he finally gets him down.

9:00 p.m. We chat on the front porch for a while, and realize we are both still hungry.  This is a frequent problem when taking 3 kids out; we are often too busy to eat enough, and don't realize it until they are in bed.  Hubs convinces me to order Jimmy Johns; I've been trying to limit carbs, but not doing so hot.. Feeling guilty, I get wheat bread, knowing I have accomplished nothing.  We sit in the dark and count rabbits.  We watch people go by on their way from the nearby school's fun fair.  When the sandwiches arrive we realize we are cold and head upstairs to watch some TV.  We start an episode of Breaking Bad (the last people in the country to watch this show?  We are only on the 2nd episode) but are frequently interrupted by Greta waking up. She is also sick and restless.  We end up stopping it 15 minutes before the end because we're tired, and because we expect it to be a long night.  In bed by 10:15.  (Teddy's only wake up ended up being at 5:30, and G slept through the night, so all in all a great night of sleep...)

All in all, we are finding our groove.  Especially when we have extra hands.  The sleeping baby helps immensely.  Greta is the center of my focus, almost always.  She is the one usually getting into trouble, hurting herself or someone else, and the one most in need of monitoring.  When will this change?  It dawned on me that in a year's time we will have a toddler and a near-threenager.  That will be tough, I suspect.  

More sleep stuff

If you've been reading lately, you may have heard me complain about sleep.  The lack of it, really.  If Teddy had been our second baby, I'm guessing he would have been our last.  Or, at least, he wouldn't have had a sibling so close in age.  He is a really, really terrible sleeper.  After the first week, when he settled into his pattern of 2-3 hour stretches of sleep, I felt a little crazy.  But I looked forward to him being a little older, remembering that by the one month mark both of our girls were sleeping a bit better.  One month came and went, with no real change.  At his two-month appointment I asked the pediatrician about this, hoping for some encouragement.  She said that by 4 months, almost all breastfed infants are doing pretty well.

Right before 3 months, he started giving us a couple 4-5 hour stretches, and I thought we had made it.  Into the land of I-can-tolerate-this-for-a-while.  But a few days later he got sick, and went to hourly wake ups.  And then this past week it got even worse, with half-hour wake ups (or, perhaps, never really going to sleep, but I was too tired to be sure).  I didn't even feel safe driving.  I found myself on roads I didn't even remember turning down.  One particularly bad 3 a.m. I gave up.  I bough the Ferber e-book and read.  Not all of it, but enough of it, and particularly the parts that were relevant for us.

That makes the third sleep book I purchased.  The No-cry Sleep Solution (total crap, if you ask me), which we read with thoughts of sleep-training MJ.  The Sleepeasy Solution, which worked for Greta (who really didn't require much of anything, but it was helpful when we decided we had to get her sleeping a little better).  But Teddy's still so little, and only Ferber purports to be able to do anything with babies that little.  So Ferber it was.

In one night we took away the swaddle, the pacifier, and put him on his tummy (not a Ferber recommendation, but something I felt was necessary).  I was so sleep deprived the risk of SIDS seemed minimal, though the next day I freaked out and bought a movement monitor after having nightmares of him stopping breathing.  Ferber recommends letting them cry for 3 minutes, then checking on them, 5 minutes, check, 7 minutes, check and 10 minutes.  The first 3 minutes, the first time, was torture, as he screamed bloody murder.  I checked on him, he calmed down, then cried a bit more, but I didn't have to go in a second time.  It was awfully quick.  Although he cried a bit longer at subsequent wake ups, they were always more like fussing in which he calmed himself down.  The first night he woke only 3 times.  The second night only twice.  By the 3rd night he was putting himself to sleep.

I've always been opposed to hardcore sleep training.  I don't think a baby this age needs to be forced into some rigorous schedule.  As such, I'm really not trying to get him to sleep through the night, just trying to get him to sleep.  He now wakes twice a night, eats and goes back to sleep.  I can tolerate that.  I fully expect some sort of regression in the future, because he seems to be waking unnecessarily to eat, but I'd rather worry about that when he's older and has the physical control to comfort himself more easily.  The whole thing makes me wonder, if we'd done some sort of sleep training with MJ, whether she would sleep better now.  She still struggles to put herself to sleep unless she is totally exhausted, whereas Greta is expert at it.  Although I don't think I could have handled Ferber's suggestion that if the child gets so upset they puke, you just quietly clean it up and leave again, neither Greta or Teddy has had much issue at all with sleep training.  The couple minutes of crying they endured (I think we had one half-hour spell with Greta and that was it) is certainly less than the amount MJ cried as we struggled to get her to sleep without actually sleep training her.

My perspective on this has changed so much since having kids.  From first kid to third my position has mostly reversed (though I still don't support the rigorous schedules that some parents strive for).  If you have the mental capacity to be a sane and kind person with very little sleep, then go for it and wake hourly.  I did not.  My children certainly benefit more from a well rested mom and the ability to put themselves to sleep, and the little bit of crying they went through seems minuscule in comparison.

I really appreciate the comments and support that people left for me here and on instagram.  I'm sure this isn't the end of our sleep troubles, as Teddy still flails so much and is so active that I see more in our future.  But we've reached a place where I can be more sane for the next bit until we go through some other sleep transition.

Help.

Worst night of sleep yet.  I am absolutely losing my mind.  Does anyone have any thoughts, encouragement or ideas on what to do with this kid? Sleep training for a baby this young?  I have tried everything, but he is up every 45 minutes.  He starts the night by putting himself to sleep, which all the sleep books say is the key.  We've tried swaddled. Swung.  What am I missing?

Three months together

If I had written this post when Teddy actually turned 3 months, a week ago, I would have slightly different things to say.  Partly because I was on vacation and feeling blissed out, and partly because he had finally figured out how to sleep.

A week later, a week late, neither of those things are true.  Husband has been out of town the past couple days, and for the past week Teddy has been up 7+ times a night.  I've long since figured out that every parent claims their kid didn't sleep the first year.  I was actually the anomaly in claiming that mine were pretty good sleepers the first year.  But upon further inquiry, I have discovered that most people who claim this actually had fairly decent sleepers.  Up a few times a night, which I consider to be totally doable.  Even Greta, my best sleeper, was up a couple times a night the first year, and I counted that as good sleep.

Teddy is in a totally different league.  I really stop counting how many times I'm up once I get past 3 or 4, because what does it matter?  He's up a  Lot.  Sometimes sustained wake ups, a bunch in a row, so did he ever really go to sleep?  Did I?  The math gets fuzzy.

For reasons I don't understand, when we were in Florida last week he slept quite good.  Up 3ish times a night, totally doable.  Then he got sick and started waking up a ton (understandable) and has been terrible since.  What has changed?  I don't know.

So this 3rd month has been dominated by a lack of sleep.  Worse sleep, even, than previously (with the exception of that one week...)  We've tried having him sleep on his tummy.  There was a lot of soul searching before that decision, and a lot of arguments between hubs and I, until we both got so exhausted we decided we'd do just about anything to get him to sleep.  He sleep pretty good on his tummy, if he'd go to sleep.

But then, a week ago, he started rolling over.  Just like that.  I hadn't given him any tummy time in Florida, and felt guilty.  When we got home I put him on his tummy and he flipped right over.  I did it again, he rolled again.  Both ways.  Neither girl was rolling this early, so I was shocked, especially because he don't get much tummy time (he can't be left so exposed with Greta around).

I had some much needed time away this month, with the help of our wonderful baby sitter.  It's such a glorious feeling to actually miss him a little bit.  To not feel the constant craziness of being surrounded by these little people, and actually get reminded of what a miracle it is to be in charge of all these little people.  It's a weird little world we've built for ourselves here.  Time spent out in the adult world reminds me of how surreal all these kids and their needs are.

This was also the month when I got better and braver about taking all of them out.  Particularly our travel to Florida, which was fairly epic.  What is so amazing to me is how much street cred we get for our passel.  Walking through the airport with three littles, when I actually had a husband to help, I heard echoes of "oh my gosh, look at all those kids" or "wow, busy mama" all around us.  In some sense I really appreciate the recognition that this is hard.  It's not just in my head that it's hard, it's universally recognized as hard.  But it also makes me wonder, because this didn't use to be so uncommon.  What has changed that now everyone thinks it's so difficult to have 3 little kids when it used to be the norm?

I spend much of my time feeling like I'm losing my mind. Everyone crying, all the time.  Greta constantly crying, because she's at that age of frustration where she can't really talk and yet has such clear ideas about what she wants.  Most of the time, it's because she wants me to pick her up when I'm holding Teddy or because she's frustrated she can't manage to carry more stuff.

But I digress, little man.  As before, this post is less about you and more about all of us.  Because that's how it is these days, you just don't get alone time.  Though that reminds me, we actually did get time alone!  Our friends Erin and Ben offered to take both girls for a night, which was just amazing.  It was the first time I got to be alone with Teddy since the hospital, and it was so nice.  So peaceful.  Hubs was working, so we got to hang out with some folks and just chat, something I never get to do while chasing 2 other littles.

At your 2 month appt. (about 3 weeks late) I found that you are doing just great.  Growing great.  GIANT head, 99th percentile now.  I swear it doesn't even look that giant to me, but I must just be used to it.  You hold it up so well, it seems to not phase you.

I have cut down 2 pumping sessions this month, so I am now pumping only 6 times a day, and not much at night.  I actually might have done that last month, I don't remember.  It's been at least 4 weeks now, and I was doing fine.  You were getting about a bottle a day of formula, so not bad.  But then we travelled to florida.  I think the irregular schedule messed with everything, and my supply dipped significantly.  I can't decide how much to care.  I alternate between desperately wanting to stop, just for the sanity saver, and feeling like I should work to increase my supply.  I find it frustrating that I'm pumping just as much as I was and am getting so much less.  My supply has significantly dipped around this time with all the kids, so maybe that's just how it works?  Maybe I consistently mess up at the same time with all of them?  This is such a fraught topic for me.  I can't wait to be done so I never have to stress about breastfeeding again.  Definitely not a high point for me.

Alright, little man.  I've bemoaning all the problems, but I have to mention that you're awfully cute.  You are such a little chatterbox.  I was looking back at Greta's and MJ's posts, and they were not chatting this much by now.  For weeks now, you chatter away and look like you're trying to have a real conversation.  When we are in public, you will grin and chatter at strangers and do your darnedest to get them to look at you.  You've spent a lot of time this month in the Moby, and have recently become intolerant of facing in, insisting on looking at the world around you.  This part reminds me of MJ, who was also incredibly social at a very young age, and may mean we have another crazy, social butterfly on our hands.  Your favorite thing in the world is to watch people talking, and you love story time for this reason.  You are quite definitely fascinated by language in a way that I don't remember the girls being.  Once we get this sleep thing figured out, life will become glorious.  Because you are such a wonderful addition to our family, and the fun that you add is just amazing.  Please, please little guy, start sleeping.  That's all I ask.

Love always,
Mama

Here's how it is for us.

I find myself drawn to every article and blog post that discusses having lots of kids.  Am I seeking advice?  Comfort?  Reassurance?  All of those, I suspect.  I feel like an anomaly, having this many little ones.  I don't have any close friends with more than 2 kids, therefore few sounding boards.  (Though we do have three neighbors down the block with three older kids, and I see them as hope that, in fact, one can survive all this.

It turns out, though, that 3 kids is not all that uncommon.  According to the U.S. Census, 28% of women have 3 or more kids by the age of 44.  I find this to be pretty shocking, because I often feel we are swimming in children.  It seems that we are the anomaly, having this many children.  Three children.  Who does that?  What I can't seem to figure out is what sort of spacing is common. 3 kids under 5 seems pretty crazy.  2 kids under 2 seems even crazier.

Here are the things that I find so notable about our numbers so far.

1)  The sheer physicality of this time is astounding.  When I sit down at the end of the night, after the kids are in bed and the necessary chores completed, my whole body aches.  I feel I have run a race.  Each and every day.  Much of this is the age of the kids, I know.  I am often having to lug a baby in a carseat in one arm and a squirming toddler in a snowsuit in the other.  Or I am picking up a toddler and putting her in the high chair whilst I am holding a baby in the other arm and giving him a bottle with my chin as my third hand.

2)  I don't necessarily long for the naps to align themselves.  While it is a nice break when it happens, it is a nice break when anybody is sleeping.  If one or two of them are sleeping (the baby and/or the toddler), that gives me a chance to spend some quality time with the big kid.  That's when we spend time reading or chatting.  If all the naps aligned, I would never get alone time with anyone.

3) I am so thankful that I was a hard ass with the girls sleep.  When I found out I was pregnant with Teddy, I decided Greta needed to become a perfect sleeper.  We did cry-it-out, and she is a perfect sleeper now.  I read other blogs where women are getting up with all of their kids, and I just know I couldn't handle that.  I can't be a nice enough person.  Better they cry a little bit and figure out how to sleep, than cry a lot later on because Mom is too tired to be nice to them.

4)  The car seat thing doesn't even phase me anymore.  I used to get annoyed with having to strap one kid into a car seat.  I absolutely dreaded dealing with three kids in car seats.  I care less now than I did with one kid in a car seat.  Because really?  It doesn't matter.  It is what it is, it's not going to change.  If only I could start to feel that way about the messy house.  It still drives me nuts, every single day.

5)  The husband has really stepped up to the plate.  Whereas before he left me to do a lot of the parenting (and parenting prep), he now steps up to help constantly.  It has made a huge difference.  We're lucky if we get an hour to ourselves at the end of the night, and often have to forsake sleep to make it happen.  But at least we're in it together.

6)  When the kids are awake, there is no space in my head for anything other than parenting.  The days go oh-so-quickly, even if we're stuck inside, because every possible moment is filled with some little person's want or need.  For the most part this is fun.  But I also find it's affected my health.  With three plugged ducts, a round of mastitis and a UTI turned kidney infection, I have realized that I don't even make time for my basic needs.  Feeding myself, giving myself water and a bathroom break, are often put off until nap time and bed time.  With my latest infection I realized something has to give.  I now pump a lot less than I was.  And I force myself to drink a lot more water.  So far, it has worked out better.

7)  My poor oldest.  She has always been so independent.  So with the advent of two littler ones, I have relied on her a lot.  She loves it, in some ways.  But I also know that I probably expect more out of her than most 4-year-olds can deliver.  I often forget she's still so little.  It's not until I have a rare outing alone with her that I remember she's still a little kid.  She is not as grown up as she so often seems in the presence of her younger siblings.  I have to remind myself constantly to cut her more slack (and often fail to remember this altogether until the husband reminds me that I'm not being fair to her).  We still have a contentious relationship.  I am reading a book on parenting preschoolers to hopefully remedy that.  It has helped a bit so far, though I have a long way to go.

8) It is fascinating to see even little Greta learn to help.  She has become pretty adept at finding Teddy's pacifier when he's crying.  The fact that everyone is pitching in, without even having to be asked, is something I hadn't expected.

This is life with three, two months in.

Holding on by our fingernails: 2 months as a family of 5

He almost always has a skeptical look on his face.  I think he's wondering how he got assigned to this particular family.

Little dude, this post is a lot less about you than it is about us.  Because you do what babies do.  Namely, everything but sleep.  I should be used to it by now, but I am not.  The reality that you are a troubled sleeper is finally sinking in.  There is no magic age you need to hit in order to sleep better, I think you are just a generally crappy sleeper.  Up 3 to 5 times every night.  It is terrible.  Your longest stretch is from about 7 to 12 most nights, though sometimes it's just 7 to 10.  But the earliest I could climb into bed, if I tried very hard and got all my chores done quickly, would be 8.  And if I want a moment to myself, then it's more like 9.  I have learned that if I do that, and don't have a drop of alcohol (which upsets my sleep just enough) and don't have a drop of coffee after about 8:30 in the morning, then I can survive with some grace.

But gosh, all that is hard.  I am such a night owl, always have been.  I feel a bit crazed going to bed so early.  And I love to have a beer after the kids go to bed.  And I love coffee.  All these things... go against my nature.  Against my habits.  Sometimes I do them anyway, and then I am tired and grumpy and lose my temper, primarily with MJ.

I think that if you were our second child you would have been our last.  Someday you'll have to thank Greta for being a pretty great sleeper.  The upside, that gives me hope, is that you generally go to sleep pretty easily.  Sometimes I look over at you in your bouncy seat and you are sound asleep.  Without a peep, you just drift off.  So at some point, maybe you'll become a good sleeper?  I have nothing against sleep training this time around.  When I feel you are ready, it will be time.  For the sake of everyone in this family, mama needs better sleep.  I can't forsake everyone else.  So that is coming down the pipeline.

This has been a tough month.  I really should be writing more, because I'm sure my sleep deprived brain will remember nothing.  We went with some friends to a cabin up north, which was lovely.  Just to get away for a couple days.  No chores to do.  Arriving to a tidy cabin with no toys scattered everywhere.  No bathrooms to clean.  Getting to just chat with friends, in spite of our children's early bedtimes.  It was lovely.

There was also a bout of mastitis two weeks ago.  And a clogged duct before that (or was that last month?).  I've never had these problems before, but have already had three of them since Teddy has been born.  We did a bit of breastfeeding this month, but he's still just terrible at it.  Nurses for a bit, just enough to take the edge off his hunger, and then he's hungry again 20 minutes later.  I still end up needing to pump because he doesn't nurse well.  I tried to just go for it while we were at the cabin and hubs was there to help, figuring baby boy would figure it out if that was his only option.  But no.  I basically just spent 2 solid days nursing.  It was terrible.  So I still try to nurse on occasion, but have pretty much given up hope.  Especially after that bout of mastitis, it's just not worth risking that he doesn't empty me and then I get a clogged duct.  In fact, now that I think about it, I think it's been about 4 days since I last even tried.  This recent study again makes me question whether the hour (usually more) I spend pumping every day is truly worthwhile.  Even Greta has come to hate my pump, because she knows it means I will be sitting down, not playing, not doing what she wants for a while.  She hears me say "I have to pump" and freaks out.  I don't know how much longer I'll continue.  I have stopped pumping as much at night, usually just once or twice, for the sake of more sleep.  That has helped, though doesn't do any favors to my supply.  Ugh.  I'm just tired of thinking about it, stressing about it, wondering if I'm making the best decision.

Teddy has remained healthy despite a few viruses making their way through the house.  Protective benefits of breastmilk?  Responsible hand-washing habits?  Who's to say.  This month, he became happy just sitting there.  He did not need to be constantly held.  If he's well fed and not overly tired I can set him down while I wash dishes or eat lunch and he just looks around.  His sisters make sure he has plenty to look at, so I can't imagine he's bored.  And Greta has started to learn how to be nice to him.  Which includes getting his pacifier when he cries and not trying to scratch his eyeballs out.

We also found a nanny this month.  She's a college student, an early education major, and the girls just love her.  This past week we had our first date night, and I also had an afternoon to get some work done (in preparation for this class I'll be teaching this summer).  I was so nervous about finding a nanny, and leaving the kids with someone we didn't really know, and I now feel so comfortable.  Greta climbed right into her lap like she'd known her forever.  In fact, I've never seen Greta so comfortable with someone she didn't know.  It is the best feeling to have a nanny hired and feel completely comfortable with it all.  On top of that, she actually picked up after the kids (something I've had such a hard time getting a babysitter to do!)  She is everything we were hoping for.

All in all, I can mostly just say we're surviving.  We knew having kids this close in age would be challenging, and we were so very right.  Our social life has mostly disappeared.  Anything other than just surviving with the kids is a rare event.  Part of this is the cold, which has been extreme this year.  I am hopeful that when the weather turns Teddy will be sleeping better, and we'll reach the magical land of well rested, home made meals, long walks for exercise and all those healthy things that will make us better.  In the meantime, here we are.  Thankful for the amnesiac effects of fatigue and early childhood on us and the littles.  But also making sure I record this so as not to think this was a magical, care free time.

I love you little man.  I'm so glad you're part of our family and you really do make everything feel complete.  Perhaps all these wake-ups are just your way of insuring you get some quality one-on-one mama time, just like the girls had in their day.  I'm trying to soak in your babyness while I can, and remember how fleeting these days are.  Give me a few more zzz's and I promise to do a better job at all of that.