Some photos of our fall

Looking through these I realize MJ's not smiling much in them. I wonder if she smiles less now, or just doesn't like having her picture taken. Some of both? I'm not sure. She's still joyous, but usually too focused on getting into trouble, which means my hands aren't free to take pictures and her back is usually to me.

Because Concise

1.  I have given up on my Halloween, and now throw all my effort into MJ's Halloween.  At some point, there are a few holidays that parents just don't really celebrate, because a) it's impossible to find a sitter for Halloween weekend, b) waving bye-bye to MJ for a date night dressed as a slutty nurse just doesn't seem right and c) little kids in costume are so much more fun to see than grownups in costume.  So it is no longer my holiday, and I'm 99% okay with that (there's a small part of me that misses it, but then I just eat some of her candy and forget about it...)

2.  We are holding off on Clomid for now.  We are trying some other hormone options first, if only to convince myself we've done everything we can before we take the plunge.  I continue to read Jennepper's blog and cannot comprehend the bad stuff she has to go through.  I know she did IVF not Clomid, and I know the odds of such things are rare, but should that happen to us I want to to know it was not a rash decision.

3.  Winter is fast approaching.  I am busy figuring out activities for MJ, but it is starting to sink in that this is the hard part of being a stay at home Mom.  To be fair, I am only home three days a week, but with DH working many weekends and evenings, some weeks it is closer to 5 days alone with her.  She is starting to enter attitude territory, complete with tongue-sticking out, "I don't want to", jumping up and down tantrums.

4.  I may not be a pseudo-stay-at-home-mom much longer.  I have to decide as of tomorrow (or so, they said I could take longer) whether to take a full time position.  The job sounds interesting, the people seem very nice, but it's so hard to fathom going back to full time.   Though I've come to realize I'm not a very good stay at home mom; I'm not very patient and I get bored fairly easily.  I had visions of something different, and while I enjoy seeing more of her, I'm not convinced the amount of quality time I spend with her has gone up much.  As of this moment I'm 85% sure I'll take the position, but I am waiting to see the actual offer in writing (it's only been verbal so far.)

Hello, Goodbye.

My last shot of MJ in her crib. I think I'll miss this view more than I expected.

This is my new view:

Sweet farewells...

It's not you

Recycling a stack of Wall Street Journal's the other day, I stumbled on this article from July:  My Fertility Crisis.
I took away two big points from this article.
1.  I'm only thirty.  Even though we're having some difficulty, I'm in a very lucky spot.
2.  Women need to talk about fertility issues more openly.

These are not really the main points of the article, just the points that apply to my life.

I have known both of these points to be true, this was just a timely reminder.  A large part of me wants to say nothing about our issues.  To pretend everything is fine.

But deep down, I feel that the media, society and wishful thinking is allowing women to delude themselves.  While I hate talking about personal things with the world, it makes me so sad that statistics suggest there are SO many women with fertility issues, and yet I see so few people talking about it.  The only people that talk openly about getting pregnant are the ones who do so easily, and I fear that it gives women a false impression that it's easy.  And I think it drives women to put off having children because they believe that when they're ready it will be easy.

We had an appointment last week to talk about our issues.  We've already had all the tests run, that suggest that everything is fine other than mild PCOS in me.  Everything is fine, except that we've been trying to get pregnant for 11 months and still aren't.  So the discussion came down to Clomid.  Basically, even though I ovulate semi-regularly, Clomid could still improve hormone levels that may be inhibiting/preventing pregnancy.  But with it comes an increased risk of twins (1 in 20) and higher order multiples.  Having twins doesn't scare me so much, though I would feel bad for MJ.  Hoisting one sibling on her seems rough, but hoisting two siblings on her seems cruel.

My real fear is complications.  Twins are by definition a high risk pregnancy.  If I felt this was the only way for us to get pregnant I wouldn't hesitate.  But knowing we got pregnant semi-easily without clomid already, it makes me hesitant to take that risk.  I guess I read too many mom blogs, because I know or know of far too many women with devastating stories from a multiples birth.  If that happened to us, and I wasn't convinced it was a necessary risk, I'm not sure I could forgive myself.  But how do I know when it is a necessary risk, and not just impatience?

Caught in the act

Vito was sequestered to the top floor, so MJ carried that overflowing bowl of dog food up two flights of stairs and fed him, with a spoon, between the bars. I don't think Vito knows how good he has it.