21 weeks

I'm going to be tired later today, but at the moment I simply can't sleep.  After an hour of doing everything but, I've thrown in the towel. 6 1/2 hours is never enough, I know that, but it's survivable.  I can see MJ on the monitor, in the early throes of waking up.  This is my last possible moment of quiet in the day.

At 21 weeks I have gained 19 pounds, a few pounds more than I should at this point.  At 21 weeks I already feel huge, though I think, objectively, I'm still in the "cute" pregnant stage,  not yet grotesque.  It is making me realize how much more comfortable I'd remain if I could gain the recommended lower bound of 25 pounds, rather than the 45+ of last pregnancy.  Are you guys tired of hearing me obsess about weight gain yet?  I thought so.  (On a side note, MJ is now awake, "reading" in bed to the light of her nightlight.  I often wonder how long she sits there happily doing this.) 

The running has pretty much ceased, largely because the weather has been so phenomenal we've been going for nice long walks.  DH and I got pedometers through a health insurance wellness program, and love them.  I feel like it keeps me much more accountable to my level of activity, and days when I'm tired and would otherwise sit on the couch, I look at the low number and know I need to get up and go for a walk. 

The big news this week, of course, was finding out the gender.  And that everything looks good at this point.  We got a clear shot of the goods, so the gender is not really in question.  I couldn't be more proud of the hubs for how much he doesn't care that it's not a boy.  I think there was a brief moment of "But I want to take my kid hunting!" followed by a realization that MJ would probably be happy to go hunting.  As for myself, I anticipate a bit more drama with two girls than there might otherwise be, but I'm hopeful that means that someday they'll be closer.  I know these are all gender biases, and the reality may be totally different.  But I told the hubs that it's his job to encourage tom boys.

Calling baby a "her" definitely helps humanize her more.  And, this being the second time, she feels like more of a real person, that will someday turn into as interesting a little person as MJ is.  It's a weird concept, and still sometimes difficult to grasp.  The movement has picked up this week, but is still more muted than last time around, and the ultrasound tech confirmed that my placenta is in front.  She said that will likely change in the next couple weeks. 

MJ is amazing with the baby, and excited.  I thought maybe she'd lose interest because it's still so far away, but her interest has only grown.  When I drop her at daycare in the morning she has to hug and kiss my belly before I can go, and she also kisses baby goodnight.  She frequently asks how baby's doing, and what she's doing.  And now that we've told her it's a girl she's told everyone at "school".  And I say school, because this last week MJ transitioned to a new room at daycare, and is now technically in "preschool".  Which is so crazy, but so, so good for her.  It's more structured and more educational, and I already see the difference.  She has "circle time" and has to sit on tape on the floor while they read a book, which she tells me all about.  And they do a lot more pretend play, so yesterday I found her "swimming" under the table with her friend when I picked her up.  She is so excited to go in the morning, and sad to go home (which makes me a little sad, but objectively happy that she likes it so much.)   On days when work sucks and I fantasize about staying home with her, I realize it's no longer even really an option, because she wouldn't be as happy. 

Part of what kept me from falling back asleep is knowing everything we need to get done.  A lot of it is more "want" than "need", such as painting the nursery furniture and planting a garden.  But I'm starting to feel my energy wane a bit, and some of the pregnancy soreness has started to set in, so I know I need to get things done.  And we continue to talk about needing a new car, because we have a 15 year old one that I expect to die on us at any time (though I've been saying that for 2 years now), and another one that I'm pretty certain is too small to fit two car seats and two adults, though I haven't tested that yet.  The debate has been whether to get a car with third row seating.  They're much more expensive, but we have family visit us SO much, probably every other month, that it seems the extra seating will be necessary often.  It's just a lot of money to think about spending.

Alright.  Kiddo is still happily reading, but I'll take this opportunity to publish and hopefully post a picture later.

And....

We both got our wish! Healthy baby girl. And by healthy, I mean currently measuring in the 96th percentile for size. One pound at 20w6d. But I got no scolding for weight gain, my midwife seems to think everything is going well. Yippee for all!

Ultrasound Cheer

There's no better way to prepare for the anatomy ultrasound than to read the CDC statistics on birth defects, don't you think?  Here's a few of them for you to peruse:
http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/birthdefects/data.html

Are you as shocked as I am to learn that over 3% of babies in the U.S. are born with birth defects?  I wanted to think that it applied to other categories of women than me, but nope.  For under 35 singleton births it's still about 3%.  The number is also higher in white women than in black or hispanic women.

At any rate, our anatomy ultrasound is later today.  (And yes, hopefully the gender ultrasound, too.)  In addition to expecting a slight scolding at my atrocious weight gain (almost 21 weeks and 18 pounds) I dread bad news.  And nothing like the CDC to fuel that dread. 

So hi.  Just saying what's on my mind.  MJ's hoping for a sister.  I'm hoping for functional organs.  Will let you know what we find out.

19 weeks

 

Due Date: 1 August.

Weight Gain:  14 lbs. 14 whopping pounds, already.  At my midwife appointment last week she was unconcerned.  So far I feel good, but I just want to do everything I can to stay that way.

Symptoms: I feel intermittent movement many times a day, but it's never intense. I seem to remember much more movement at this point with MJ.  My midwife commented that my placenta is in front and that I likely won't feel movement until later (20 to 22 weeks); perhaps this explains the lack of much movement.

Sleep:  Glorious.

I am loving: Being "cute" pregnant.  I know that in the not too distant future I will be grotesque pregnant, so it's nice to have a relatively small, non-offensive bump for the time being.  Before getting pregnant with MJ I would often admire baby bumps.  Women in ads for maternity clothing always look very cute.  When I got pregnant, I came to realize that the cute bump was early in pregnancy.  No one advertises the full term pregnant baby bump.  (I know that for some lucky souls they look cute to the end, but for the majority of us earthlings that just isn't true...)

I miss: Nothing.  Life is glorious.

 

I'm spazzing about:  Getting huge.  I was IN SO MUCH PAIN last time.  I don't want to repeat that.  I'm exercising.  But my appetite is ridiculous and there you go.

Milestones/Progress: Baby is a mango!  Which I'm allergic to!  My midwife appointment last week was nice, though a complete waste of time.  Sometimes I'm tempted to skip them, but just can't bring myself to.  But we did schedule the anatomy scan.  Last time I was dying to know if we were having a boy or a girl, and I felt no concern that there would be anything wrong.  This time I just know or know of too many people who've had sad news at their ultrasound.  So this time I'm nervous.  I really don't care what we're having, at all, which I didn't think was possible.  I always assumed people have a preference and don't want to share it.  I do want to know just so I can plan and decorate, but either answer is fine.  Healthy is all I'm after. 

My firstborn: Needs a haircut.  I keep telling myself that I'll take her in, but I just can't bring myself to do it.  She's worked hard on that hair.  It's pretty cute when I can put it in a pony tail.  And she was BORN with it.  I'm just not ready for that milestone... maybe our friend Nate was onto something when he cute his daughter's hair on his own so that it didn't become a big thing. 

I owe y'all a post on other stuff.  Work stuff.  That is coming, though I really have nothing big to say about it.

An uncouth post about money

I thought these decisions had been made. I am a working mom. I have found balance by working only 30 hrs a week. I have some schedule flexibility to take care of my daughter when she's ill or watch her kick a soccer ball. All in all, things are pretty good. I get to use my brain again. I get to have an identity separate from my husband and my children. But I still get to be there.

But now, 1.5 months into a new job, it's all in question again.  I did that pesky math that I mentioned in my last post, and realized that by me continuing to work, if everything else stays unchanged, I will be $7,000 in the hole once we add baby #2 to the mix.  This is primarily for two reasons.  1) My husband makes a lot more than I do, so my salary essentially gets taxed at his rate, which means that my take home pay is quite a bit lower than it otherwise would be, and 2) Daycare costs in this city are astronomical.  I did this math before I started back to work, after I found out I was pregnant, but didn't properly account for the tax portion.

My daughter is currently in a daycare center, and it's actually on the lower end of cost as far as centers go, but still quite a lot compared to other geographical locations.  We could move her to an in home day care, but I've never found one I feel comfortable with, and I've always been more comfortable with the idea of a center.  Maybe this is based on my personal inadequacies.  Because when I watch a young child all day, I sometimes get cranky and impatient.  When there are other people (i.e. dear husband) I can step away for a moment if I need to collect myself.  In home daycare providers don't have that option.  So while they may be wonderful, doesn't everyone have their moments?  I have a hard time getting comfortable with an environment that doesn't have any backup for the providers, and for which there is essentially no oversight.  I know there are wonderful places out there, I'm certainly not accusing anyone, that's just how I feel.

After pondering the possibility of returning home full time, I find myself not fond of the idea.  For a whole lot of reasons.  If I could leave temporarily, for a couple years, and know I could return to the work force, I'd probably do it, even though it's isolating and sometimes mind-numbing.  But what if I can't find a job I like?  Or that works for us?  This 30 hours a week gig is perfect, I'm skeptical I'd find another such opportunity doing something I like.  There just aren't a whole lot of Geochemists in the world, sadly.  And not an overwhelming need for more.

Let me bore you with a little more math.  The $7,000 figure is probably a bit lower, because that doesn't account for retirement benefits (which would bring the number closer to  $4500) and other benefits, most of which we don't need because we get them through DH's employer.  But it also doesn't account for things like parking fees, or the costs of keeping a child home (including more outings).  These numbers add some fuzz to the $7,000 number, but it's a rough estimate.

So now I need to come up with a solution.  Something I can sleep with at night, because paying $7,000 a year for the right to go to work doesn't sit easy with me.  I have to ask, if you feel comfortable talking about it, what would be your breaking point?  At what point would you throw in the towel and say "Enough!  I'm staying home!"  Do you worry about losing skills and not being employable?  Do you worry about not being financially independent and relying on your spouse?  That last question is poignant for me.  As a child of divorce, I remember a few lessons about keeping financial independence that stuck with me.  (I appreciate those lessons, Mom).  I don't currently worry about this, but it happens to a lot of unsuspecting women, and I want to have the option for self-reliance.  But how do you balance that with the realities of having small children that need you around?

The Glamorous Life

I say that in gest, but I've certainly been getting dressed up a lot lately.  My only remotely comfortable heels are red, so I've been rocking the black dress/red shoes look.  The above pic is at 16 1/2 weeks.  I must say, this time around the weeks have just been flying by.  I've been busy enough to be distracted.  But I think, more than that, I feel more comfortable with my existing knowledge and am not obsessively reading and learning about pregnancy and childbirth.  I'm just living my normal life, and the weeks slip by.

Last  night we went to a Gala.  This word always makes me pause, because there are two correct pronunciations to choose from, as well as the incorrect pronunciation I have to stop myself from using.  So we went to a Gay-la last night, for the fire department.  This one seemed to be a bigger deal than the others we've been to lately, simply because Senator Klobuchar and Governor Dayton, as well as our mayor, Chris Coleman, all decided to show up.  I'm not sure what about this event was so significant to them, but it was a little weird to see them all in one place.  Not that you all care about my political thoughts, but I was incredibly unimpressed by the Governor.  I guess this is just personal distaste, as he didn't "do" anything bad, but he was such a politician and seemed to lack depth (in full disclosure, I didn't vote for him, though I do generally agree with his politics).  The senator, too, was obviously in campaign mode.  Both of them talked more about themselves than about the benefit they were at or why the firefighters should be honored.  It was all about them.  The mayor, though, struck the right tone.  Said the right things.  Maybe because he actually feels invested in the fire department?  It was weird to be at a function where everyone was honoring St. Paul fire fighters, but no one actually lives in the city.  I don't think I met anyone else who actually lives in St. Paul, most of them live in the suburbs or further.  I felt gratitude to them, and I'm certain it's different if you don't live here.  Knowing that these are the guys that will show up on your doorstep if you call 9-1-1 can't help but make you feel a little more indebted.

Last night, while sitting at dinner, I felt my first "interrupting" kicks.  In general I feel what can only be described as "rustling"; like something is happening, but it's indistinct.  Last week while lying in bed I felt actual movement, but nothing distinct since then.  Then, while talking at dinner, I felt three distinct taps in my abdomen.  Maybe baby will be political?

At some point I owe you all a work post.  Having started a new job and changing our entire routine, it seems worth mentioning, doesn't it?  In truth, it's been a bit boring.  I like my coworkers, and I feel that in time it will get better, but right now I'm just writing a report.  All day, every day, and there's not a lot to say about that.  I think once I get involved in more projects, I will come to like it better.  I think, too, I just continue to question my decision.  I find myself wishing I could spend more time with MJ, and missing her.  But I remind myself that before, I found myself not enjoying my time with her, and being short with her.  Now when I'm with her, I'm happy to see her and she gets patient-me.  If I'm not capable of being patient and loving all day as a stay-at-home-mom, maybe this is the better option? 

I also get a bit frustrated that such a large chunk of my day just goes to getting MJ to daycare and home from daycare; it's an incredible time sink.  It feels better now that I'm not playing solo parent (DH had a rough work stretch) but the math is still frustrating.  The other frustrating math came while doing our taxes.  I fear, if I really sat down to calculate it, that I'm paying to work.  Nothing saps your motivation to go to work quite like realizing the salary portion doesn't even matter.  And with kiddo #2?  It will become even more disturbing.  In some sense I'm lucky to have that as an issue, but there are times when not having a choice is nice, because it doesn't make you question your decision.  It simply is what it is.  I know this falls under the category of "wish I had your problems", but it still weighs on me.  I feel like so many women I know claim that, if they could afford to, they would stay home in a heartbeat.  I often wonder if that's really true.  If they were truly faced with that decision, what would they choose? 

15 1/2 weeks

It's pretty dark, so tough to see the actual bump.  But it's there.  It was hard to find a dress in my closet that actually fit me, after some combinations so atrocious that DH tried to snap a photo of the trainwreck.

Due Date: 1 August.
 
Weight Gain:  8 lbs.  Ugh.  I won't rant this weeks, see my earlier posts if you're interested.

Symptoms:  None really.  Other than being big.  The other night, while lying in bed, I'm certain I felt movement.  Hasn't happened again since, though.

Sleep:   If I don't drink boatloads of water, I get headaches.  I've always been headache prone, but it's pretty extreme now.  So much so that I end up drinking about two pint glasses of water over night, meaning I have to pee.  So sleep would be fine if I wasn't getting up to pee five times a night.
 
I am loving:  How good I feel.  I'm trying to motivate to get things done in the house while I feel good and the weather's still cold, so that once nice weather hits I can play outside with Madeline.  But I find myself instead either doing daily chores or playing with MJ.  I don't get the bigger things accomplished.  Now that DH has come off a 2 weeks stretch of crazy work, maybe I'll get more done now.  Here's hoping.
 
I miss:  Nothing really.  I feel great.  This is the first time I can say that I'm enjoying being pregnant.

I'm spazzing about: This is getting boring if I say nothing again... so I'll say food.  I've been cooking a lot, which I enjoy, but it has been sucking up a lot of my time.  I think this might be the week of easy meals, just to give myself a break.

Milestones/Progress:  A navel orange in my navel.


My firstborn:  Continues to be amazing to me.  Today we took her to watch a basketball game at a restaurant with some other fans.  She stayed contented for at least an hour, coloring and talking to people.  Tickling a baby.  Just generally being a great kid.  A year ago, my crazy hyper child would never have been able to dream of such a thing.  When she goes to bed now, I see her on the monitor "reading" for about 40 minutes before she actually falls asleep.  She is becoming engrossed in books and drawing and "writing".  I realize it will be years before she learns to read, but her fascination with it and her desire to learn have mellowed her a bit.  I find myself frequently proud of her now, when she shares with other kids or gives them kisses and hugs.  Don't get me wrong, she still has plenty of toddler moments, but the little person she's becoming is beautiful.  I wasn't confident of her ability to be kind or calm a year ago, and now I feel I'm seeing the beginnings of these things, and it gives me immense hope.  This is the perfect time to be adding a sibling, let's just hope that's still true 5.5 months from now.

14 Weeks

Due Date: 1 August.

Weight Gain:  7 pounds.  My modest, normal weight gain seems to be going out the window.  I am exactly on the same trajectory as with MJ, maybe my body just likes to pack on the pregnancy pounds. 
 

Symptoms:  Some crazy headaches this week, though I think that may be due to some virus that MJ brought home from daycare.  

Diet/Cravings/Aversions:   Nothing.  Lots of water.  I guess I wasn't loving the odd meat parts in my Bun Mi this afternoon, though I don't necessarily think that can be blamed on a pregnancy version.

I am loving:  Feeling so good!  I am full swing into the second trimester feelings of normalcy.  I'm not huge yet.  I'm no longer sick.  And best of all, my back doesn't hurt this pregnancy!  I'm able to work out and am feeling great, probably even stronger than before I got pregnant.

Also, heard the heartbeat this week at my midwife appointment.  While in general I'm convinced these appointments are a waste of time, it was nice to hear.  Little bugger seems to be doing well.

I am looking forward to:  Getting the baby room all cleared out.  I have boxes of papers from my PhD program and simply can't decide what to do with them, so I stare at them and make no progress.  I Need to dispose of them or file them away, and I think it will be immensely satisfying when I do.

Milestones/Progress: Lemon.

Movement:  Still undecided...

It's a...: baby!

Exercise:  The weather here has been lovely (by Minnesota standards), so in addition to a few runs on the treadmill I also got to run outside.  I'm even getting a little bit faster (which isn't really saying a lot).

My firstborn: I have decided this is my favorite age so far, almost 2 1/2.   She is fun, generally well behaved, learning so much every day.  She's just a joyous ball of energy, and I finally feel like I have some handle on the day to day goings on.  The balance between how stressed out she makes me and how much fun I have with her has always been pretty close, but now the stress level is much reduced while the fun level has sky rocketed.  It's a wonderful imbalance to have.

My other camera is a cell phone: some January photos

As some of you may remember, I got a fancy-schmancy camera in August, no thanks/thanks to a home invasion. I love my camera. It takes superb pictures.

But the reality is that most of my pictures are taken with my iphone.  I guess it's been a year of electronics, because I got a fancy-schmancy new iphone for my birthday.  I'll spare you with the details of how obsessively I waited for the new iphone to come out, and how I read live tweets from the unveiling like it was the moon landing.  I love my iphone.  It takes very good pictures, considering.  I still wish I was taking more pictures with my good camera, but the reality is that MJ moves quickly, and if I run to the other side of the house to find my camera the moment has usually passed.  But my phone is almost always with me.  

So here are some of the recent photos, some of which have shown up on my twitter feed and some of which haven't.  If there's a theme to this month, it's something along the lines of:  oh my she is growing up fast.  I do not exaggerate when I call her independent.  She wakes up and gets her own snack in the morning.  She picks out her clothes and puts them on with minimal help from me; the end result is usually a fascinating combination of colors, patterns and unusual layering.  She puts on her winter coat and her gloves.  Now that she wears pull-ups she changes her diaper by herself, supposing there's no poop.  She brushes her teeth herself.  I am not allowed to help with any of it, unless she gets very frustrated.  It makes me feel much more comfortable with the idea of adding a second child to the mix, and makes me alternately so proud of her and somewhat sad.  I am absolutely loving this age, it's hard to let go of even the smallest pieces.

This smile probably means she was getting in to something.  Either playing with my phone, or she found candy, or a sheet of stickers.

This was a newborn hat.  She was determined to get it on her head, and finally succeeded.  I do not think it is a newborn hat any longer.

Dad, practicing with two. 

This was an ice shanty with dress up clothes (it's a long story, we do things like that here in Minnesota.)  Dad was much more excited about dressing up than MJ was.

But she was very excited about the mouse ice-cycle.  In case you were wondering, we were on a frozen lake.

Even Vito doesn't escape dress up time.

I love this outfit.  She picked it.  What you can't see in this picture is a Wonder Woman leg warmer which she put on just one leg.

This should be the theme picture of the month.  She likes to put her hood on herself, separate from her coat (because it detaches from the jacket).  But in so doing, she manages to look like Kenny.  Every time I look in my rear view mirror, this is what I see.

Teethbrushing time.  Don't you dare put the toothpaste on for me

This was a dad's night when the ladies were out at dinner.  I can't get over how mature she looks in this picture.  Maybe it's just because she's actually sitting still. 

13 Weeks

It's hard to get her to wear pants.  What can you do.

Due Date: 1 August.

Weight Gain:  5 pounds.  

Symptoms: None this week!  Happy to report I am finally waking up nausea free!

Diet/Cravings/Aversions:   Lots of potatoes.  But only because I accidentally bought too many.

I am loving:  the weather.  I could used to a mild Minnesota winter.  Also, I told my boss this week that I was pregnant.  She was very supportive, and it's nice to have that off my chest. 

Also, we snuck an ultrasound pic this week.  One of the perks of DH having ultrasound access at work.  Not sure how significant, but babe was a lot more mellow than MJ was at this point.  She looked like she was doing somersaults and back flips, while this one looked active but more laid-back.  Maybe we'll have a more mellow second?  Dare I hope?

I am looking forward to:  My first appointment with my new midwife.  I switched clinics, so that I can deliver at a hospital that has a phenomenally good VBAC rate, and had my first nurse visit there this week.  I already have such a good feel from the place, and am really glad I made the switch.

Milestones/Progress:  Peach sized!

Movement: Just more phantom swimming..

It's a...: baby!

Exercise: A few jogs on the treadmill.  Feeling pretty good.

My firstborn:  Is becoming so grown up.  She can wake up and get her own snack in the morning, get dressed (with some prodding) and generally just look after herself.  It's amazing to watch this independence blossom, and gives me hope that we'll be better equipped to handle two young children now that one of them can do so much on her own.

12 Weeks

There are a lot of things wrong with this picture.  1) That it's late January and we still have our tree up (and that this is the best photo I've posted of it.)  2)  That this was me getting ready for work, complete with maternity pants and exposed belly and I expected no one at work to suspect 3) That every picture I post is taken from the "Roar!  I am towering over you!" angle.  Very unflattering.

Due Date: 1 August by my calculations.  When the doc took out his little wheel he said 3 August.  I think 1 August is more accurate.

Weight Gain:  4 pounds, which is down one pound from last week.  I was hit with a stomach bug early in the week.  Or it may have been resurgent morning sickness, but it has since died down and food is actually tasting good again.  Yet again, my dear daughter's empathy was moving.  While I don't really have any basis for comparison, her genuine concern seems to have a maturity that exceeds her years.

Symptoms:  Other than the morning sickness, I am starting to have a real, hard-to-hide belly.  I need to tell work soon, but there is just no good time to say "Hey!!  Thanks for hiring me, BTW I'm preggers!  Isn't that hilarious?"

Diet/Cravings/Aversions:   Being as I'm just beginning to be excited about food again, I count that as a craving.

I am loving:  My work/life balance.  I'm enjoying my new job.  I'm enjoying the time I get to spend with MJ.  I'm enjoying that I get home and still have enough time to not feel rushed to get dinner on the table.  We can play for a while before doing anything else.  Or, on some days, I can have an hour to myself before I pick her up.  Squeeze in some exercise.  I feel balanced, and it's an incredible feeling.

I am looking forward to:  Highlighting my hair at the end of first trimester.  In general I avoid such things during pregnancy, it just doesn't seem worth the risk.  But my hair is looking so incredibly ratty, and I figure one trip to the salon in an entire pregnancy can't be the worst thing in the world.

 

I'm spazzing about:  I'm not sure that spazz is the right word, because I'm also looking forward to it.  But I want to get started on rearranging rooms, getting baby things settled.  We need to move furniture, build furniture, decide how things will get situated, and since it takes forever for me to get these sorts of things done (what with the toddler and all) I'm anxious to get started. 

Best thing about this week:  I had a few child-free interactions with friends.  I often forget what a toll toddlers take on meaningful conversation, and while I've been lucky to still see many friends often, it can be hard to give them any real attention when a 2-year-old is also demanding all of it.  So it was nice to have some real, adult interactions with friends. 

Milestones/Progress:  The size of a plum.  That sounds yummy.

Movement: Didn't feel anything that felt like movement this week, so maybe it was all imagined.

It's a...: baby!

Exercise: I think I got in one treadmill run this week.  Maybe two.  I blame it on illness, though I'm sure that's not all of it.

My firstborn:  She seems so grown up lately.  Starting to just look like a big kid.  Get that far off look in her eye sometimes, like she's thinking deep thoughts.  She has decided that she also has a baby in her belly.  She also loves to say "bagina" instead of "lasagna", which makes us stifle laughter and makes her all the more committed to saying it.  So last week when I decided at the grocery store to make lasagna and she shouted "Yay!  Bagina!" I was mortified. 

Some Christmas Photos

Looking through all these photos, I realized that they are not representative. My Mom came early in the season and I managed to get very few photos of that (and none that were flattering enough for the internet). and only one lame photo of our wonderful tree.  I guess I'm guilty of taking far more photos when we travel. ::sigh::  But here's a few of the better ones to document our Christmas season.

Mj's buddy Milo.  We are blessed that they both attend the same daycare, and that we adore his parents.  Sometimes the affection appears to be one-sided, but she doesn't seem to care.

Bundled up.

Admiring one of our only snowfalls in December.  For a brief time it really felt like Christmas.

Orange Cookies!  It's not Christmas without Orange Cookies and Mj's uncle helped me make them.

MJ's Grandma, Great Aunt, and first cousin once removed.  (I'm learning my familial relations!!)

Another of MJ's great aunts.  Although she doesn't see this family much, she was immediately enamored (I think the feeling was mutual) and begging cookies off of them.

MJ's first cousin once removed.  (I think I have that right).

Sporting her Syracuse roots.

AAhhhhhh...

This was the trip when she really bonded with her Baba and uncle.  It was awesome to see.

There are a lot of incongruities in this picture. 

I secretly love memes

They force me to cover subjects I wouldn't normally cover.  But as you can see, this one is a bit overdue.  Maybe I just needed more time to fully reflect?

So here's my 2011 wrap-up, copied from Life of a Doctor's Wife.
 
1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?  Quit something substantial (my PhD).  I've quit small things, but I can't think of any big things I've really quit.  It was very hard for me to do.  It turned out to be the right thing to do.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember if I made any last year.  They're not really my thing, though I probably resolved to get pregnant.  This year, I'd like to be more generous with my spouse.  This was inspired by this story in the NYTimes; I took the quiz and failed.
 
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friend Elissa gave birth to an adorable baby boy.  Technically that was in 2010 (just barely), but I didn't get to meet him until 2011, so I'm going to count it.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.  Let's keep it that way. 

5. What countries did you visit?
Our country hopping has diminished since MJ's advent.  She doesn't even have a passport yet.  But we did have the opportunity to visit Oregon, Florida, Massachusetts and New York.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
I actually can't think of anything.  I have everything I want.  As long as this pregnancy continues to be healthy then I wouldn't wish for anything more.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 28th - the day we closed on our house.  Though I'll probably forget that one in time.  And of course, the events that happen every year, birthdays and anniversaries.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Moving forward in my life.  Quitting my PhD (is it weird to call that an achievement?), trying new things. Getting pregnant was a blessing, but I'm not sure I'd call it an achievement.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I need more patience, particularly with the toddler.  My hormones have been out of control lately, and I've been taking it out on those around me.  My temper often gets the better of me.
 
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had a terrible ear infection in May that landed me in bed for a week and caused hearing loss in one ear that is still recovering.  I still can't fully hear out of my left ear, not sure if I ever will.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Our house, of course.  I was sad to leave our old house, but no longer have any remorse.  I can't believe we managed to live so comfortably in our tiny house. I am so happy here.  Even MJ no longer has the need to get out of the house all the time that she did in our old place.
 
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
This one stumps me.  Maybe I'll skip it. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Some things are best left unsaid. 

14. Where did most of your money go?
House.  We're finally able to seriously pay down debt: 2 houses, lots of school loans.  DH put together a spread sheet with our assets and our liabilities; I won't bother to share the number with you here, but it was sobering.  So yes, we're paying down debt.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Pregnant.  The joy is overwhelming, and terrifying.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2011?
Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier.  This year had lots of tough decisions looming.  We made them, and we're happy with the results.

b) thinner or fatter?  Fatter.  Happy, happy, early pregnancy fatter.

c) richer or poorer? Technically, poorer.  But on a month to month basis, richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Writing in this blog, because I like to look back on it.  Savoring the moment.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Watching TV.  Since MJ was born I find that we (I) spend many, many evenings watching TV after she goes to bed.  I often feel too tired to do much else, but it seems that when I keep it off I actually find more energy.  Also, bickering with the hubs. We do a lot of that.  We should do less.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
We visited DH's family in upstate New York.  I lived near them for 4 years, so I always enjoy seeing them all because I feel like I know them all pretty well.  Also, it dawned on me that I've now known his hometown friends for 10 years, and really feel close to many of them.  Christmas was wonderful, MJ really bonded with her Grandma and Uncle, and it was all so relaxing. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
I think I fell more deeply in love with my child.  It seems that continues to be true, but the explosion of language has really allowed me to learn more about her.  What she thinks and feels.  And seeing her be sweet and kind to other children (as much as you can hope for from a 2 year old) always warms my heart.  Additionally, her fearlessness and inquisitiveness make me both excited and nervous for what lies ahead of her.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
The Borgias.  Yeah for season 2!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I don't think I hate people.

24. What was the best book you read?
I didn't read many books this year.  But the best was probably Hunger Games.

25. What did you want and get?
Pregnant!  The difficulty made it that much sweeter when it finally happened.  Also, I finally figured out (and fixed!) the source of my ongoing back pain.  It's all about shoe support, turns out.  And a little bit wasn't cutting it, I needed full-on insoles.  When I remember to wear them all the time I feel great.  But so much for going bare foot :(

26. What did you want and not get?
Is it bad to say nothing?  All the things I desperately wanted, happened.  Some things, like a new car, are in the back of my mind, but the expense really doesn't seem worth it yet.  As child #2 approaches, we'll see, though.

27. What was your favorite film of this year?
Tough one.  I didn't watch many movies this year.  Oddly, the one that comes to mind is "The Hangover" but I certainly can't imagine that one's really at the top...

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 31 this year.  We were in Orlando with DH for a conference.  We went to Disney World the day before (which was AMAZING!) and hung out by the pool on my actual birthday.  And DH made me an amazing gift, which I should really post a picture of.  An earring/jewelry rack that has finally brought some order to my jewelry situation.  Possibly the sweetest gift he has given me.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Ummm.... immeasurably?  That's hard to quantify.  Maybe more massages?  

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Getting by.  I am not much of a fashion guru these days.  I recently acquired a purse that I was told by a cashier reminds her of Mary Poppins.  Does that tell you anything?

31. What kept you sane?
 My friends.  I became a lot closer to several girlfriends this year, and it has been wonderful.  I feel so blessed by the friends I have found here.  Also, having someone help me clean my house.  I know this is a luxury, but I can't tell you how wonderful it has been, and how much less DH and I fight as a consequence.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I'm not much for celebrities.  I can't think of any that really float my boat.


33. What political issue stirred you the most?
I have become less immersed in politics, I find they just frustrate and infuriate me.  As usual, issues with climate change upset me the most.

34. Who did you miss?

There is one friend in particular that I rarely see since having quit my PhD.  I miss talking geeky science with him.

35. Who was the best new person you met?
If you haven't noticed, I try to avoid naming names in this blog.  But I'd have to say my new neighbors are the best addition to our circle.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Oh gosh, I'm a stubborn mule, to say I've "learned" may be stretching it.  But this whole pregnancy thing has taught me some degree of patience.  Some degree of "what will happen will happen, so just enjoy life".  It's easier to say this in retrospect, though.  Also, I guess I learned (was reminded?) not to let fear of failure and the unknown trap me in an unhappy situation

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Two come to mind:  "Elmo loves his goldfish, his crayon too...."  and "A b c d e f g..."

11 weeks

First day of work.  My fashion theme for my new office?  Hide the bump.

This evening.  I meant to take this at the start of the day, before I looked so haggard.  But as you can see...

I started this last week.  I'm going to try to keep it going every week, but I'm not going to answer every question every week, because frankly, sometimes there's nothing to say.

Due Date: 1 August by my calculations.  When the doc took out his little wheel he said 3 August.  I think 1 August is more accurate.

Weight Gain:  5 lbs  I have really, truly been doing everything right.  I've been eating better than before I got pregnant and have been exercising.  Still, I'm gaining weight more rapidly than I should be.  I'm starting to think this is my pregnancy destiny.  Last time I gained so much and was so uncomfortable I swore not to repeat my mistake.  So far, same path.

Symptoms:  Most mornings I dry heave for a bit.  MJ often runs to get me Ritz crackers.  My child is so sweet (and she sees it as an excuse to eat crackers for breakfast.)  As for the fatigue, I have discovered that if I get a solid 9 hours of sleep I do pretty well.  That, and if I don't try to spike my coffee with decaf for the day. 

Diet/Cravings/Aversions:   Love: pizza.  I'm pretty much finding that anything my toddler loves I also love.

I am loving:  A dear friend of mine just had her baby on Monday.  We were both trying to get pregnant at the same time and both faced difficulties (of different sorts).  I often felt she was the only one I could talk to about things, and I'm so happy for her.  I also find myself very happy that I didn't get pregnant then, and still have several more months to enjoy my only child.

I am looking forward to:  Meeting a potential doula in a couple weeks.  I don't know whether or not we'll feel that she is the "one", but she's a blog friend and it's always exciting to meet blog friends in real life.

 

I'm spazzing about:  Adjusting to being a working mom again.  While I've been a working mom, of varying sorts, since MJ was born, this is the first time I feel like the average joe.  I work in an office building.  I can no longer just wear t-shirts.  I have to fill out a time-card.  Etc.  As someone who has had a flexible work arrangement for a very long time, it is a weird thing to adjust to. 

Best thing about this week:  All the well wishes sent my way for this new job were amazing.  It really makes a girl feel loved.  So far the job is going well, but it's all very new.  Lots of background reading, papers and what-not, which is interesting but a bit dry.  I think it will start to pick up soon.  It's been very nice to use my science brain again, though, and to actually have adult conversations.  I feel like I'm starting to get my person-hood back, rather than just being a wife and a mother.

Milestones/Progress:  Apparently the size of a lime.  Sounds kind of big.

Movement:  I'm really starting to think I've been feeling movement.  Nothing substantial, but something that can't be described in any other way.  Last time around I had similar feelings and wondered, and then was finally convinced at about 13 weeks.  In retrospect, those earlier feelings were movement, and this time around I feel more comfortable calling it that.  I know it's early, though, and many people are skeptical of feeling movement this early.

It's a...: baby!

Exercise: Still using the treadmill.  We also had beautiful weather here this week, so lots of walks.   I can already tell how much less activity I get sitting in an office all day than chasing a toddler, so I've tried some lunch time walks.  But the area my office is in isn't... picturesque.  Not a great place to be going for walks.

My firstborn:  Adjusting very well to being back at daycare full time.  In fact, she seems to love it.  She's been napping better, and for that matter sleeping perfectly (8 pm to 7:30 am!!), all of which I attribute to weaning her from the bottle.  She didn't have it at daycare and was therefore not napping well there, and she would lose it at night and kept waking up.  So we took it, cold turkey.  She got up very early for a couple weeks but then adjusted. 

10 weeks

Due Date: 1 August by my calculations.  When the doc took out his little wheel he said 3 August.  I think 1 August is more accurate.

Weight Gain:  4 lbs


Symptoms:  Tired.  All the time.  The morning sickness has mostly passed. I have a few mornings that it's appears before I've eaten, but food is finally starting to taste good again.

What's different this time:  I don't remember being this tired last time.  I didn't have to take Progesterone, which was nice.
 
Diet/Cravings/Aversions:  Carrots, maybe?  Actually, it's probably the ranch dressing I eat with them that I've been craving.  Aversions: anything slightly ethnic.  Pretty vanilla food in these parts.

Sleep:   Good when I can get it.  But toddlers never sleep in.
 
I am loving: I took out the maternity clothes this week, and feel much better.  My belly was awfully squished.  But gosh, I forgot how scary some maternity clothes can be, particularly the ones that are the only things that fit in late pregnancy.  Also, yesterday during breakfast, MJ patted my belly and said "Baby.  Baby in mommy's belly."  That was pretty cute.
 
I miss:  Lunch meat.  A simple turkey sandwich sounds superb.
 
I am looking forward to:  Movement, I think.  But mostly this time I'm just trying to appreciate where I'm at, because I remember how tough it got for me later in pregnancy last time.  Also, looking forward to starting to work, sort of.

 
I'm spazzing about: Hmm, nothing.  I feel like I've mostly passed the high risk miscarriage phase.  Oh, I did spazz about labor the other day... but then put it out of my mind.

Best thing about this week:  Yesterday was my last day of Progesterone! 

Milestones/Progress:  Baby is now a fetus!  Sounds grosser than being an embryo, though.  Also, busting out all the maternity clothes.  And being asked if I was pregnant, that's a first so far.

Movement:   Phantom movements, even though I know it's too early.
 
It's a...: baby!

Exercise: For DH's birthday I got him a treadmill, which is now inhabiting our basement.  I thought it was ridiculous and would never get used, but I actually love it.  I've been able to do some light jogging while MJ sleeps and watch cheesy romantic comedies at the same time.  Feeling much better, and I hope to keep this habit up.

Since everyone in the real world can apparently tell...

Big strike out for the daily posts over here.  I guess I increased my post numbers, but failed at my goal.  I think next time I'll aim for every other day, and just not tell y'all.  So if I succeed, I can just say "Hey, look at that!" and if I fail I won't have to draw attention to it.  Maybe December wasn't the best month as well, what with Christmas and all.

Anyway, on to the obligatory-blogger-year-in-review.  And the BIG REVEAL.

Notice anything different?  The hair is notable.  The rest is harder to capture in a picture.  As DH put it, she now gets interested in things.  Last year at this time, she had two primary interests: eating, and running.  Now she will actually sit for (short) periods of time and focus on things. Communication is the other biggie.  We have full conversations, sometimes about abstract concepts like "air" and "boys vs girls".  And she seems to get it. 

As for our year, it's been a big one.  Last year at this time we were debating where to live.  Even as far as what city we wanted to end up in.  We were convinced we would get pregnant any day and need a bigger house (hah!) and started the search.  We are now settled in that house, in a wonderful neighborhood with wonderful neighbors.  DH started his real job, after (only) 12 years of school and training.  I quit my PhD, a very scary move but an ultimately wonderful move.

And we ended the year expecting a new kiddo in August.  Yep.  I've been meaning to tell you all, but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  We've had a few ultrasounds, everything has been measuring well.  The morning sickness has been uncomfortable but not crippling.  We've told many people in our day-to-day lives, but the fear of miscarriage still lingered (and still does, really).  But I'll be 10 weeks in a few days, and was called out at a party last night.

We went to our neighbor's house for New Year's Eve, which turned out to be wonderful.  Although all of our new neighbor's have been wonderful, there is really only one we've gotten to know well (and not the one having the party).  So we didn't know what to expect, but it was perfect.  Lots of little kids for MJ to play with, actual adults to talk to, and just good people. 

At any rate, one of my neighbor's came up and asked "Is there any news that you're thinking about sharing?  About...." then she got a terrified look on her face that perhaps she'd been too presumptuous.  After all, you're never supposed to ask women if they're pregnant.  But, we assuaged her fears, and I came to realize that I am already starting to look pregnant.

Which will be interesting when I show up at my new job, a week from Monday.  The timing is not exactly what we aimed for, but life doesn't like to work according to plans. 

More on Mom groups

Erin's comment (below) on Mom's groups reminded me of my own conclusions.  I'll share them with you here.  Because I've been to about 10 of them, so that certainly makes me an authority.

After reading the Bloggess's post I remembered that, among the reasons I will never be a great blogger, is that I'm always afraid of offending the people that read my blog.  In some sense, I miss the days when it was anonymous, because I felt I could say anything I want.  Now, most my reader's are friends or family in real life, so I need to be a little less of an a$$hole.  Oh, and there's also the issue of needing to be a much better writer, but I'm sure that comes easy once you get the friend thing figured out.

Regardless, some of the things I've learned about mom's groups are:

1)  If they sound offensive and smug in their online description (because that's how these things are organized these days), then they are probably worth getting to know.  By worth getting to know, I mean they probably serve martini's at their playdates.

2)  If they sound inclusive and kind, they are probably as dry as paint and hold their meetups at McDonalds.

3)  There is apparently no middle ground between suburban housewives who are afraid of driving into the big city because they don't know how to parallel park and smug city dwellers who won't allow their children to eat goldfish at your playdate but will allow them to eat Annie's organic cheddar bunnies.

4)  I can't relate to groups of women where people are deeply stressed about the cost of diapers.  Either use cloth (cheaper!) or don't complain.

5) I really don't know what to talk to other mothers about. If your whole day is your kid and your home, is that what we're supposed to talk about? Because, much as I love talking about my kid, it gets kind of old. I have no cleaning tips to share and don't really want to know where the latest sales are, so I'm sort of at a loss.
6)  MJ terrifies many parents.  I think she's my litmus test.  If they can't handle the crazy that is my child then they probably can't handle the crazy that is me.

7)  The whole time I've been writing this post, Ive been picking knots out of my hair.  Literally, knots.  Because tonight I have to go to a fancy dress party and schmooze with husband's colleagues and not get too drunk and embarrass him.  So the way I prepare to get ready for a big fancy night?  Pick knots out of my hair.  Let's face it, this is the real reason I have not had success at mom groups.

Head full of crazy

I spend a lot of time in my head.  Although I work half time, I spend only one day a week in an office, and the rest of the time I either work from home or am with MJ.  And since DH works a lot of nights and weekends, that means lots of one on one time with a toddler.

Particularly at the end of a day where it's just been me and her all day, I start to feel like I'm losing touch with reality.  Talking to a toddler is much like talking to a crazy person.  Part of what they say makes sense, but you have to wade through piles of non-sensical blather and barely understandable ranting to get to it.  I usually don't even realize I'm losing touch until I have a real interaction with a real person.  By real person, I mean adult.  And then the non-craziness of talking to a logical human being reminds me how crammed full of crazy my head is.

This is among the reasons that I think going back to work will be a good thing for me.  The lack of interaction is isolating.  I tried for a while to meet mom's at meetups, and I met some great ladies that way.  But even then you can't REALLY have meaningful conversations, because you're constantly being interrupted by TODDLER CRAZY and trying to make sure there is no destruction happening.  And I find, in the end, that I identify more with working moms.  I can't get over the "is this all there is?" feeling of watching a toddler all the time.  I love it, I just need something more. 

Lately, I've been having a lot of too-much-toddler-slowly-going-crazy time.  I look forward to the holidays, and family, and some more people around to share the crazy.

MJ's bucket list

MJ wants to do everything.  She wants to go into every house we pass on the street.  And drive down every street we pass in the car.  The only way we can allay these desires is to tell her that "someday" we will.  And then hope that "someday" she forgets about the fact that we told her she can go into mansions she has no business going in.

So her bucket list is quickly growing, and it just sounds so mournful sometimes.  Every day that I take her to daycare we drive over a freeway overpass.  She is very excited about going up and down hills (poor Minnesota girl, that doesn't happen much here), so she looks down at the cars on the freeway and says

"Someday.... I want to go down there..."

Cute-isms

Alternate title:  2 years and 3 months
Alternate alternate title:  I suck at daily blogging.

I've been talking a lot about me lately.  And since this blog is my drama, not MJ's drama, I'm okay with that.  But I really love looking back to read what she was doing at various points and need to maintain some foresight.

In short, there's is nothing she's not doing.  (Other than peeing on the potty.)  The child talks up a storm.  She sings songs to herself in the back seat that are so loud we can hardly hear our conversation in the front seat.  It no longer matters if DH and I have anything to talk about at dinner, because she keeps the conversation going.

She attacks people with chapstick, irregardless of need or desire.

She continues to increase the number of babies she looks after at once.  She discovered that she can put them all on a food tray and therefore carry them together.  This way, she can put 8 babies (of various stuffed natures) to bed and then carry them around.

I have to get used to, and learn to appreciate, her independence.  She's happy to get her own water these days, but it often involves about 6 ice cubes, and water in the bathroom (because that's the sink she can reach).  Both of these irk me, but really, I should just be glad she can start to look after herself.  She wants to learn to dress herself, which is a good thing.  I have to learn to relinquish control.

Other isms?

Yesterday she asked for a bottle of cheese.

She has started to call DH by name.  I'm not sure what prompted that.

Her and Vito fight like siblings.  They steal each others toys, and wrestle, and when he does something she doesn't like she comes whining to me, asking me to fix it.

She climbs, or tries to climb, EVERYTHING.  Really, everything.   Including the wall and the standing mirror.

She negotiates.  She asks for something, like a snack.  We say no.  So she asks again, and says "Okay?  Okay?  Okay?" ad infinitum.  If we say "no", she just interrupts us with "Okay?"  I can tell that, had she the words, this is where she would be inserting every reason she can think of why we should agree.  But, at 2, her sole negotiating tool is "Okay?"