May Days

Before Teddy was born, during the sunset of 2013, my Mom was fond of saying that 2014 would be the year that I just wouldn't remember.

While the details feel so intricate to me now, I fear she may be right.  Although Teddy is sleeping much better than he was, he is still up twice a night, followed by a 6 am wakeup from the big kids.  I seem unable to fall asleep before 10:00 on most nights.  So I spend much of my day in a haze, with days (like today) that I question whether I should even be driving.

May started a few days ago, right?  Isn't Cinco De Mayo in a couple days?

Sadly, no, that was 16 days ago.  So perhaps I really will forget this year, and I should write down a few things.  I like bulleted lists.  So here's a few events of late.

1.  Tonight we went to the end of year picnic for MJ's school.  It is such a magical place, with goats and llamas and chickens and rabbits and ponies and burros.  Although she enjoys animals now, when she was a toddler we'd take her to the zoo or the aquarium and she was bored unless there was something to climb.  Completely uninterested in the animals around her.  Greta, on the other hand, is nuts for animals.  Absolutely cannot get enough of them.  Although MJ loves this school, I think Greta would be in absolute heaven.  We'll see.  We had planned to send MJ there next year for kindergarten, but she got into a public school down the block from our house and will not be returning in the fall.  We are excited but will miss this magical place.  Perhaps Greta will come in a couple years.

2.  A week and a half ago my Mom arrived.  I had a long list of projects to accomplish while she was here.  During her stay I: built 4 different pieces of patio furniture, a bunk bed, installed the water line for the automatic ice maker on our fridge, cleaned our basement and packed a bunch of baby clothes for my sister in law, fixed a shelf, fixed a lamp, planted bulbs, installed an internet camera, and spread mulch over our front yard.  This is on top of a lot of cleaning and cooking and general wifeliness.

In addition to feeling so accomplished, it was so nice to have my Mom here.  I dare say I enjoyed her visit much more than her last visit.  I so dreaded her departure last time that it almost prevented me from enjoying her stay.  I realized that she and I are alike in this.  If something is hanging over my head, I can't enjoy the moment I'm experiencing.  This is also why I would rather flee town in the middle of the night than have to say goodbye (which she does, too, starting her drive at 3 a.m.!)  We also had some wonderful conversations that made me realize how well she knows me.  Now, being a parent, it often boggles my mind that I used to be the flailing toddler on the ground that she had to endure.  It's not that I thank her so much for those moments, it's that I thank her for continuing to come back and put up with me in spite of them.

3.  The girls have been sharing a bedroom since last August.  It has gone exceptionally well.  There was a short spell in December where MJ was waking Greta up in the morning.  Since MJ often wakes up long before G, this led to a very tired Greta and a very grumpy Mom.  We moved MJ's mattress into another room for a week, as a way of driving home that if she wakes her sister up she can't share a room with her.  During that week both girls slept poorly, with many middle of the night wake ups.  It was really more of a punishment for me, apparently.  So we moved them back together and it has continued to be wonderful.  Until a week and a half ago Greta was still in her crib and MJ was in her toddler bed.

But over the past month I have wanted the crib for Teddy; he was in a pack and play or a smaller crib, but I was convinced it was time to transition.  Furthermore, with my Mom in town, it was a good time to assemble a major piece of furniture.  So we bought one on Amazon and assembled it a week and a half ago.

The girls were so excited.  It was a major project.  8 man hours spent building this thing (5 or 6 of those were woman hours).  Plus the mattresses we bought for it (another major internet research project... mattresses stress me out...)

But it was a rough start.  MJ went to sleep fine, but Greta could not stay in her bed.  Although she had been napping in her sisters bed for months, that was always when MJ was out of the room.  With MJ in the room, in the TOP BUNK, she just wanted to climb up there and play.  MJ would fall asleep and Greta would climb up and pull her hair.  Lots of tears.  Lots of yelling.

So we put Greta in the pack and play.  And the next night.  Many nights.  The first couple nights she wanted to sleep in the pack and play.  The next couple nights she would start in her bed, and then climb out of it, and we would put her in the pack and play.

But finally, we are having some success.  She has now slept in her bed for the past few nights without getting out and bothering her sister.  Then they wake up in the morning and play.  I am back to thinking this was a good idea, but not with enough confidence to fold up the pack and play.

4.  Greta.  Oh, Greta.  If I had any sense at all, this age (22 months) would be my least favorite.  Because she really is a terror.  She's becoming more sweet, but she's still a terror.  She doesn't abuse Vito quite as much as she used to.  She is nicer to her brother than she used to be.  Today I even saw her share and play with another kid.  At the same time, though, she is a runner.  She loves to run away from me.  MJ never did this, perhaps because I could always carry her if there was an issue.  But with Teddy in my arms, Great sees the opportunity to bolt in the opposite direction.  It drives me nuts.  It makes me angry.  And I'm afraid she'll get hurt.  I do not know how to get her to stop.  I think I must just endure it.

But she is so sweet, too.  She loves to cuddle in a way that MJ never did.  She constantly wants to climb into my lap and read books.  Books, books, all the time.  We have a picture encyclopedia that she looks at constantly.  Also a couple Dallas Clayton books.  And, of course, Curious George.  She gives me unprovoked kisses and hugs.  How could I not adore this?  And the chatter.  So much chatter.  I think she's right on the verge of a language explosion; more and more new words popping up, and more complex expressions every day.  I can't decide whether I look forward to more language or not.

5.  MJ is a sweet kid.  She makes me proud to be her Mama 98% of the time.  I am constantly told by strangers how well spoken she is.  And she has finally become a neighborhood kid.  The other kids knock on our fence to ask if she's free to play and are bummed if she isn't.  I expect she'll be leading the pack soon enough, because it seems she's the one that is always furnishing the ideas of what to play.  It is fascinating to watch her become part of her community.  She is so much like her Dad.  And, much like him, she makes me so crazy and so happy, all at the same time.

6.  And Teddy.  My baby.  I am trying to soak up every moment of babyness.  I think if someone could just hand me a 4-month-old, without having to endure pregnancy or newbornhood, I would take it.  Every time. So we'd go from a family of 5 to a family of 15.  He has started to grab faces and pull hair.  Greta looked shocked at first, but now seems to find it funny.  And totally endures it, doesn't try to hit back.  MJ spends a chunk of every day trying to get him to laugh.  It is all so freaking adorable.  I try to remember how adorable it is, always.  Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail.

When you least expect it.

I have about five posts stewing in my head (or more, we'll find out when this is done), but not the motivation or time to write them all.  So here is your brain dump.  Read it quick so it doesn't attract flies.  They are not in order of importance.  I think you'll know what I mean.

1.  Of course, top on my mind is 35 WEEKS.




Apparently I was too busy trying to snap a quick picture in the work restroom without looking like a creep to remember to smile.  I'll make this quick.  Up 41 pounds.  Sleeping well but require 5 pillows and our poor pup is banned upstairs because he was waking me up too much.  The heat wipes me out, but now that I've accepted that I get very little done when it's hot (or, really, ever) things seem much better.  I get random, crippling muscle pains for a day or two then things return to normal.

2.  Monday was our 7th anniversary.  I finally replaced the hubs wedding ring, which he lost over 4 years ago.  I was able to get a ring that looks like just like his original wedding band (which was pretty unique to begin with).  I was psyched.  As for the anniversary, it was low key and very much representative of our life right now.  Dinner with MJ.  Ate some cake on our front porch.  Chatted with our neighbor.  You, internet, don't get to hear me gush about this guy, he got that in a card I wrote him.  But I will tell you this.  I am a lucky, lucky girl.  I found myself a good man.  I marvel at the ride we've been on, and everything waiting for us in the future.  I marvel at the life we've built.  The family we've made. 

3.  Monday was also the day that I found a guy I used to date had died.  Apparently I don't read the newspaper or ever look at Facebook, because if I did I would have figured this out three years ago.  He died three years ago.  And I never knew.  We had always kept somewhat in touch.  We had exchanged a few emails a couple months before he died.  I had even glanced at his Facebook page a couple times, but figured he never updated it and apparently never read the comments.  Does anyone else ever think about old boyfriends?  Wonder what they're up to?  Every time he flashed into my mind I figured he was probably married.  Had kids.  I hoped he was happy.  And then I found out that the whole time he'd been dead.  Honestly, I was a total mess.  Here's his obituary:  http://www.arlingtoncemetery.net/mpgraziano.htm.  On top of it all, it was our anniversary, a horrible time to mourn the loss of someone else you used to date.  Particularly because... it's complicated.  We dated when DH and I were on a break, seeing other people.  Anyway.  That's almost certainly more than you need to know, internet.  But I do feel the need to write it out.  He was such a nice guy, and he should be off having babies and building ridiculous contraptions.  Also, his mom shouldn't have to experience this.  She just shouldn't.  I know she went through it 3 years ago, but in my mind everyone is just now finding out about this.  It sucks, basically.

4.  The real world has been hitting me hard this week.  DH works in a job where he experiences little children drowning.  I work in a job where I have to hope that mines built now won't pollute the environment for 2,000 years, as some old Roman mines still do.  30 year olds die in plane crashes.  Lots of gun violence in St. Paul this year, I'm tired of hearing about shootings.

5.  In an effort not to dwell on bad things, I'll tell you some of the good things.  We're having a baby soon, have I mentioned that?  MJ is amazing (I think she'll get her own post).  Some kind soul told me I look cute today.  There are lots of annoying things that people say to pregnant women, but telling them they look cute has got to be one of the kindest.  If you're ever at a loss for what to say to a pregnant lady?  Tell them they look cute.  It will likely make their day.  Also?  We met a family at a restaurant the other night who may just be our parent soul mates.  I felt a little like I was flirting, or something.  Their daughter is 3 days older than MJ, and the two of them became instant friends and started running around the restaurant like crazy people.  She is pregnant (not the daughter) and due any day now.  So we shyly exchanged digits, and we'll see what comes of it.  It's weird to pick-up on other parents, but the skills are just the same.

6.  I meant to talk, somewhere in here, about work.  That may still get its own post.  I'm guessing it says something about me that I now find work the least interesting part of my day.  I have become a subpar employee, at least compared to my earlier work ethic.  I now just don't care as much.  There is more to say here, but I've been yawning for at least the past 3 bullets, so it is bed time.

Round Two

Today I am 34 weeks.  That sounds unbelievably close to the end.  It doesn't feel that close, but it sounds like it.  Time has slowed down.  Up until about 32 weeks, this pregnancy sped by.  I felt wonderful, I enjoyed being pregnant and I looked forward to what was to come.

Now I'm starting to feel some dread.  I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.  The heat is largely responsible.  And not being able to bend over.  Those two characteristics are responsible for most of the negative feelings I'm currently having towards being pregnant.  Last night, with the thermometer still hovering at ~90 degrees, I left the comfort of our air conditioned family room to the non-air conditioned kitchen.  I made myself a rootbeer float, the entire time thinking

"I am dying.  I am dying.  I am dying."

I knew, somewhere deep down, that this wasn't true.  But the heat seems to take away any capacity I have for rational thought.  Our 109 year old house has radiator heat, so there is no easy way to install central air.  We have a little room unit for MJ's room, my room, and our family room.  If MJ was content to stay in one of these areas my job would be easier, but she is not.  So I try to play along and be a rational human being, but it seems I am unable.

The other dread I'm starting to feel is about having a newborn.   If you've read this blog for a while, you'll know that this is a very wanted baby.  A very longed for baby.  A very tried for baby.  But I still feel a little dread.  Last time around, I felt much more dread.  I didn't like babies.  I didn't even like little kids, and figured they'd be pretty uninteresting until they were about 10.  In reality, I really enjoyed having a newborn; MJ was an easy newborn, it's just the other 2.5 years that she's been not so easy, but totally interesting.  So while I have a more firm understanding of the upsides, I also have a more firm understanding of the downsides.

I also have some fear about some of the things I feel committed to.  Last time I was committed to natural birth and breastfeeding.  I didn't do real great at either of them.  So this time around, I find myself even more committed.  From reading other mom blogs, I feel like a bit of a rarity on those fronts.  It seems like those moms who had c-sections last time had a scheduled c-section this time.  Those who had trouble breast feeding seem to not be doing it at all this time, or to be not as insistent that it will work. Instead, I find myself thinking I've learned from my mistakes and will definitely do better this time.  Am I setting myself up for even more failure and disappointment?  Having committed to a VBAC, I'm slightly terrified of failing at it.

The saving grace through all of this, is a better understanding that none of it matters as much as it seems to at the time.  MJ's birth experience and my breast feeding prowess don't define our relationship.  Despite what brochures at the pediatricians office tell you, there are other, far more important, aspects to the person she is becoming.  Do they play a role?  Probably.  I don't want to fully downplay their significance, but I think that part of the reason women play up their significance so much is that they are so damn hard.  So if they're that hard, they must matter a lot, right?  Otherwise, why bother?

To me, the reason they matter has more to do with insurance purposes.  We all pay a lot for insurance, but how often do we really use it?  How often does it matter?  For most people, not much, but if you need it you're sure glad you have it.  Similarly, the reason to avoid a c-section is not so much about the birth experience but about those rare bad outcomes.  The reason to breastfeed is that the antibodies might save your kid from a life threatening illness.  There are other, touchy feely reasons, but it's not like those touchy feely moments don't exist if you give your kid a bottle.  It's not like you're not ecstatic to meet your baby even if they don't come through your vagina.

So anyway, yes, I'm committed, but no, in the end it probably won't matter that much.  Ask me in two months time how that's working out for me.

All About MJ

This last weekend the fam had our first visit to Chicago.  It was a nice getaway, and our first family trip in quite a while.  It was also a reminder that, although the Twin Cities are a "big" city, they are not big in the way that some places are.  All in all, while nice to visit, I'm glad to have our small city to come home to.

It was also a weekend in which I started to come to terms with the fact that MJ is becoming a three year old.  It started exactly two weeks ago today.  At first I attributed it to poor sleeping.  While I still think poor sleeping plays a role in some of her poor behavior, I am starting to think this is an age thing.  Having never had a three year old before, it took me a while to notice the symptoms.  But it took the eloquent words of Dooce to give me the "aha" moment....  A few of the symptoms:

1.  Foot stomping when I deny a dinner of ice cream.

2.  A default to whiny voice.  This is probably the one I have the least patience with.

3.  Daily tantrums.  Less fulfilling than my word of the day emails.

While visiting Chicago, we went to the aquarium.  I used to love aquariums, but I am coming to despise them.  I think we've taken MJ to 3 or 4 aquariums in her short life.  They always seem like a good kid activity that is also interesting to adults.  Win win all around!  Only not, because they are always disastrous.  I have thought that perhaps it is coincidental, but I am starting to think it is not.  It is simply too much to expect this kid to enjoy things that she cannot directly participate in.  And aquariums are most definitely not participatory.  You are expected to just watch.  No running?  No hands in the water?  No licking the glass?  No.  No.  No.  

Her tantrums have become... intense.  As everything with this kid has been, I expect "three" will be extreme.  I think it is particularly hard because 2 has been such a magical age.  It started almost exactly a year ago.  She has been sweet, and curious, and joyous and everything I could want in a kid.  She is still a great kid, but now she has such strong opinions!  About the way things should be!  Like the right way to get to the grocery store!  "It's not this way mom!"  About where Baby should be put for the night!

So that was our weekend.  And then I came home to, among other things, a very sad blog roll.  It seems there is much tragedy in some of the blogs I have been following.  It makes all these concerns seem so petty.  And they are.  But you know what?  We, as humans, are designed to dwell in the petty.  You cannot live every day immersed in drama and trauma, on the edge of your seat.  It's not good for you.  It's okay to feel petty things sometimes, because otherwise we would only be feeling big and important things, and that is simply exhausting.  So I'll just appreciate that I get to feel petty things for the time being, and feel lucky I am not feeling important things right now.

But this girl?  She is still amazing.  And hilarious.  My favorite comment of the trip occurred when we reached altitude.  I told her we were in the air now, and she looked out the window at all the tiny houses (we weren't very high, it was a short flight).  And she looked around on the plane.  And then asked "Why isn't everybody flapping their arms?" 

She is also at the age where she busts out embarrassing comments and questions at every turn.  

"Is that a baby?"

"No Mj, I think he's about your age"

"Then why does he have a nuk?  Only babies have nuks.  He shouldn't have a nuk."

I'm certain his Mom heard my daughter criticize her parenting.  

A favorite is her asking me the name of everyone that walks by our house.  Often it is a neighbor, whose name I should know but don't.  And so I cowardly pretend I didn't understand her toddler speak, until she yells it so loud that everyone can hear it, certainly most can understand it, and possibly put together the awkwardness that is happening.

Or when she asks me, loudly in public, "Did that woman poop on the potty?  She has cake" because we have been so desperate in our attempts to bribe her to poop on the potty that we have even offered cake as an exchange.

This girl is amazing.  Here are some pictures of the past month or two to prove it.

Cleaning out the fridge.

The fridge being my brain.  I feel the need to update, but can't seem to find the motivation for a full-commitment, well thought out post.  So you'll get the crusty stale things that get cleaned out of my brain simply because they can't stay in there any longer.  Sounds appetizing, no?

1.  This pregnancy is going quickly.  I judge this, somewhat, based on how little progress I've made on the nursery.  I wanted to be done by 25 weeks, but I'm not even done painting the crib yet, which I've been working on for about a month now.  Oy.

2.  I love my pedometer.  I'm pretty sure that's like saying "I love support hose", i.e. not something you're really supposed to admit.  But I feel like when I get a lot of steps in it rewards me, and when I am a lazy bum it chides me.  Considering all I'm really up to at present is walking, it at least keeps me moving.  Good pedometer.

3.  I have been trying to avoid saying I hate my job, but I kind of don't like it.  I am trying to be grateful, and patient, and hope that things will get better.  I love my co-workers.  I think that in time it could become great, but I'm coming to realize I don't know how long that will be.  As it stands now, all day, every day, I work on reports.  Very long reports.  For months at a time, the same report.  It is often mind-numbingly boring.  I know that work is not always supposed to be fun, but I have had plenty of other jobs.  There are always pluses and minuses, but currently there are very few pluses.  The number reason I find my motivation is that MJ is currently THRIVING at preschool and I couldn't justify keeping her home with me.  So I might as well work.   But once I have another?  It's going to be hard to justify leaving her to go to a job I don't like very well.  I know you're not supposed to say this sort of thing to the internet, because it's bound to get back to someone who it shouldn't get back to, but that's what's on my mind.  Internet, are you tired of hearing me complain about my various jobs yet?  Because there's been a lot of that this year, I hope it will end soon.

4.  Yes, MJ is thriving.  Her teacher is AMAZING.  While I didn't come up with this description, her teacher reminds me of a very gentle and kind Mary Poppins with flaming red hair.  Every day I drop her off or pick her up they are doing something that looks joyous and educational.  They are pretending to be airplanes.  Or learning about caterpillars, followed by a snack of everything the hungry caterpillar eats.  They have butterfly cocoons in their classroom.  They are always reading.  They are always learning and it seems every bit of fun has a lesson couched within it.  I think MJ is in love.  She has become better at sharing, she has learned new things that she comes home and tells me and she enjoys every moment of it.  I realize "school" isn't necessary at 2 1/2, but the strides I see her taking make me question that.  At least for her, I know the right thing is not for her to stay home with me.

5.  I am psyched that my discovery of insoles for my shoes has cured me of back pain.  But I'm little perplexed about summer footwear.  I've been wearing Tom's without socks, and now my shoes just stink.  But I can't put insoles into sandals.  ::dilemma::

6.  My husband has been amazing lately.  So helpful, so present.  It has brought much peace to our household.

7.  There are so many things I'm trying to fit in before the baby comes.  As much friend time as possible, because I feel like we'll be house bound without much social life for a long time.  Lots of cooking, because I found it near impossible when MJ came along (particularly once she was mobile.)

8.  Some of my favorite recipes from this last week:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/18/dining/basic-pizza-dough-recipe.html
http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2012/03/petite-vanilla-scones/
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Arugula-Bacon-and-Gruyere-Bread-Pudding-350898

9.  It's intriguing to me how the more interesting my daughter becomes the less I have to say about her.  It's almost like words can no longer capture the person she's become so often I don't even try.  Pictures probably do a better job.  I am so proud of her, which is a feeling I haven't really had until recently.  She is compassionate with other children, and (usually) when she does something to upset someone she will feel awful about it and start crying herself.  She is independent and feisty, and prefers to do everything by herself that she possibly can.  She's not violent, she's good at sharing and she's curious about everything around her.  Granted, she's 2, so none of these are all encompassing adjectives.  But, in my limited experience with 2 year olds, she seems to be doing well at these things (not that I'm biased or anything).  And I guess I'm proud of her because I see her figuring these things out for herself.  We've played some role, I'm sure, through parenting, but I see her making most of these strides on her own.  It's kind of hard to have such an independent 2 year old, but it's so fascinating to watch what she's capable of already.

10.  MJ had her first dentist visit today.  As I suspected, it was mostly a waste of time.  But I guess now it's a little more familiar, so should she ever need to visit she might do better?  She let them stick their hands in there and polish a bit, which I guess is all you can expect of a 2 year old.  She was interested in it all, but after about 10 minutes was too antsy to sit in the chair and could only think about the playground I had promised her after.  All in all, a fairly uneventful milestone in her young life.  20 teeth, no signs of cavities.

10.  My fridge is exhausted.  It's not really clean, but I guess the things that had to be taken out were.

The Reverse Blogger Cleanse

This sounds like a combo between a diet fad and a difficult exercise maneuver (or worse).  But this blog has been dwindling, so I'm going to try to jumpstart it a bit by vowing to post daily for the next month.  I don't promise anything interesting, just words.  Quantity over content, that's really what I'm aiming for.  Quick posts with no time spent editing them.  Woohoo, you guys are in for a treat.

Today, I tell you of my stroller dilemma.  Remember that lovely trip to Disney World I briefly mentioned?  It ended with the airline destroying our beloved jogging stroller.  Did you know that when the airline makes you sign that little slip saying they're not responsible for damages to car seats or strollers they really mean it?

We previously had this one:

In red, though.  So that when I wore my red Gore-Tex and put MJ in her red winter coat, it really looked like we had a theme going. Although I would not have bought the fixed wheel in retrospect, I otherwise loved it.  A lot cheaper than the BoB and a great stroller.

So now I have to decide what to do.  We have a cheap umbrella stroller that barely makes it down city sidewalks, and with winter coming (or here) we need something more substantial.  My question: do I buy another single stroller?  Or do I buy a double thinking we'll fill it sometime soon?  And then walk around looking like I lost one of my kids and didn't notice?  They have those fancy-schmancy strollers that convert from one seat to two, but that would require MJ sitting underneath an infant at some point, and I can't imagine her being willing to not be able to see what's going on.  

The truth of the matter is, we need something to contain her.  Although she is physically able to exist without a stroller in many scenarios, she likes to run wildly away.  Twice this week I've had strangers tell me they've never seen a child that young move that fast.  I have no basis for comparison, but DH blamed it on the fact that I drank coffee when I was pregnant with her.  So it seems it is not really the airline's fault that we need a new stroller, as they made me agree to with my signature, but instead my bad caffeine habits.

Thoughts on life

1)  Progesterone sucks.
2)  The real reason people don't talk about fertility treatments is that they are sometimes degrading and gross.
3)  How easy is it to hack into an internet camera?
4)  I think I'm taking the job.  But I won't know for weeks yet because of government bureaucracy.
5)  It's only 75% time.  Sweet!  The perfect compromise.
6)  I have really enjoyed teaching this semester, I'm afraid I'm going to regret my decision.
7)  I'm going to miss working with my fellow blogger...
8)  I've decided it's time to start decorating for Christmas.  November 1st is my new deadline.  It's too good a holiday to only last one month.
9)  We took MJ to Disney World.  It was AWESOME.  Pictures to come, if Picasa learns how to cooperate.
10)  Today was the first day that felt like winter.  :(
11)  Maybe when I start this new job you'll get more blogs from me because I won't be spending every evening working.
12)  I tour a new daycare tomorrow.  The idea of moving MJ to a new place is traumatic.  But I'm not convinced I want to keep her at her current place for preschool, and this seems like it might be a logical time for a transition. 
13)  I lost half of my house plants to a mealy bug infestation.
14)  Picasa cooperated:

 

Riling up the internet.

I'm feeling feisty today.  I know I have a tendency towards "feisty" at times, and probably less kind descriptions as well.  Usually I don't realize it, but sometimes I do. 

Anyone tend to pick fights when they're feeling this way?  Maybe I'm the only one.  In the spirit of redirecting my energy, I found myself picking fights with the internet today.  With unknown strangers.  Just to get my feistiness out.  I used to view my blog as a place to vent, but with so many of my friends and family now reading it, it leaves me little space to just let out words.  Things that don't make sense.  Things that shouldn't be said but which one still feels the need to say. 

So I ask, where do you get your feistiness out?  Although some of you are probably too kind for this sort of behavior, I know many of you, and you must have your moments.  What is your favorite place, virtual or real, to let loose your inner b!tch?

Sound bites.

I'm working in the lab today.  And I get 30-60 second spans of time where I am just waiting on things.  It turns out this is too short a span of time to do anything that needs to be done.  If I attempt to do anything that requires real thought I end up forgetting something in the lab that really shouldn't be forgotten.  So I am going to make you a list.  Of... I'm not sure.  Things I'm thinking.

1.  Our daycare tells us how absolutely joyous MJ is.  How she's never upset.  I feel like I don't get to see that, and it bums me out.  So it means one of two things: either I have unrealistic expectations of what a joyous child looks like, or she takes out all her frustrations on us. 

2.  I wonder if MJ has seasonal depression.  The wind chill on my walk into school today was -25 degrees.  That's Fahrenheit, for all you Canucks, and very cold.  So, needless to say, MJ hasn't been outside for more than minutes at a time since we returned from Oregon, over a month ago.  I would think this could give a person seasonal depression. 

3.  Despite the cold, I love Minnesota.  As I was climbing into bed next to DH last night, I realized how the cold makes marriages stronger.  We'd been fighting a bit before we went to bed.  But it was really cold, even in the house with our heater set to 68 degrees.  So we were forced to cuddle.  And cuddling makes you happier, even if you're grumpy with someone. And when you wake up, after a night of forced cuddling, your relationship is in a better place. 

After my realization (these are the things I think about when I'm trying to fall asleep) I googled divorce rates by state.  There is some correlation between climate and divorce rate.  Not a strong one, mind you, but
Wisconsin, Minnesota and North Dakota (three of the coldest states I know) rank 39th, 41st and 44th, respectively.  It would be easy to find flaws in my logic (such as the fact that domestic abuse is higher in colder months) but I stand behind it in my own relationship.

http://pewsocialtrends.org/2009/10/15/marriages-and-divorce-a-50-state-tour/



4.  We've been thinking about our domicile.  Someday, maybe in the not too distant future, we'd like another kiddo (or 2 or 3).  Our house is 800 square feet.  If you live in NYC, you may be salivating at the thought of that much space.  But for the rest of us, it is tiny.  It currently works just fine, but if we add another child to the mix, I simply don't know how we'll all fit.  I know families have fit in such spaces in the past, but this boggles my mind.  Where do you put the children?  Do they share a room?  I can conceive of this from about age 2 onward, but before that it seems like the baby would just wake the toddler all-the-time.  Or the baby sleeps in your room, which is fine in theory, but if baby #1 is anything like baby #2, my children are loud, rambunctious sleepers that keep me up. 

So the questions have been flowing like wine: Are we suburb people?  Is it time to move to a place with a bigger lot, and the possibility of deer wandering through? But that means a commute.  And seeing isolation.  And seeing our friends less.  We actually really love where we currently live.  Location, neighbors, property lot.  Maybe we renovate?  But that's expensive, and we have no equity in our house to pay for it.  And our marriage would have to surrive a renovation.  oy.  So maybe we buy a new house.  But where?  What kind of life do we want?  What would we do with our current house?  Can we possibly be landlords?  This is the constant dinner time conversation of late.  So we continue to save our pennies for a possible downpayment or renovation, and still have no idea what we want.  I take that back - what we really want is for the house we're currently living in to magically double in size.  Anyone know how to make this happen?

Alright, I think that's enough rambling for now.