Some photos of our summer

This was a post I was working on a few days before Greta was born.  I was feeling bad about not doing anything fun with MJ this summer, but after looking through some photos felt better about the whole thing.  Turns out we've had a pretty great summer so far. 

 

The first week

Well, it's been 8 days.  Almost exactly, actually.  Because 8 days ago at this time, I was asking the midwife how much longer she thought I'd be pushing, because if it was going to be hours still, I really needed to gear myself up for it.  But that's a different story, and a different post.

Greta was born at 10:08 on July 29th.  8 lbs 6 oz, which I didn't think sounded that big, until I looked it up; it's apparently between 75 and 90th percentile for weight.  Also 90th percentile for head circumference and length.  So a big girl.  That 21 week ultrasound that pegged her at 90th percentile?  Spot on, apparently.  1 lb and 4 oz bigger than her sister.  I'm curious if Greta will be the tall one. 

I'll give away the end to the birth story, which is that we did have a successful VBAC (though just barely).  As of 2006, only 8.5% of women with a previous C-section later gave birth vaginally.  That is a phenomenally low number.  I know some of them are necessary or for safety reasons.  I don't judge women who get c-sections, because I've been there.  I just feel like it needs to be discussed more, because having been through both, I can attest to how much better it is to recover from a vaginal birth than a c-section.  One week out I'm doing things that took a month to accomplish last time.  In Greta's first week of life, she went to Target, a restaurant, the zoo, a county fair and the farmer's market.  I realized at the end of yesterday I needed to tone it down a bit, but it's so nice to feel so much better.

If you want photos, check out my twitter feed.  Actually uploading them to the computer feels a bit daunting right now.  If I had posted a few days ago I would have been a bit more overwhelmed, but I now feel with it enough to say things are going pretty well.  Breast feeding has been challenging, because Greta isn't much for actually sucking.  We had four days without a bowel movement, lots of screaming, and a very unhappy baby.  I worried about colic, or worse.  But a visit to the lactation consultant confirmed she wasn't getting enough milk, despite having nursed 20 times that day.  I remember a similar thing happening with MJ; I thought I was nursing so much this time that it couldn't possibly be the same, but I was wrong.   So now I'm pumping and supplementing.  Once we started that, she refused to nurse AT ALL for a couple days.  Now we're back to nursing for a while, followed by supplementing, followed by pumping.  It easily makes feeding an hour+ long process, and I'm hoping she figures it out soon, because I can't keep that up.  With MJ it was easier, because my only job was to parent her.  Now there are two, and spending an hour nursing one while disregarding another seems ridiculous.  I'm trying to avoid going to exclusively pumping, but timewise it would make so much more sense.  I just know how much pumping sucks, and how burnt out I will get with it (already am with it) in the long run.

DH's mom has been visiting for the past week, and will be here for two more weeks.  The help has been wonderful.  DH starts back to work in a couple days, and I'm already dreading it.  Having him home has been wonderful.

As for MJ, she's adjusting well.  The time away from us while we were at the hospital was hard on her; since we have no family in town, she stayed with a dear friend of ours.  I think she did okay while she was away, but the meltdown when she saw us and met her sister was intense.  MISSING BIG THINGS is hard, and I think she felt like she was excluded for a short time.  But she loves her sister, and is always excited to give her hugs and kisses.  When I asked her to help find baby's Nuk she was ecstatic to be helping.  And then the rest of the time she just goes about her business.  We've been trying to keep things normal for her, but I think she's feeling a bit socially withdrawn.  During a normal week we go somewhere with her almost every evening, and she sees lots of friends.  We've toned that down a bit and she is clearly bummed about it. 

Alright, much more to say.  But bedtime, and the few hours of sleep that might occur, calls.

39 weeks

 

I had to fight the urge to forgo posting that second picture, because I look like a hot, sweaty mess.  But really, that's probably what I look like all of the time, so I might as well be authentic, and MJ is looking awfully sweet.  The belly is a full fledged seat these days.

I had my 39 week appointment today.  Pretty much zero progress.  I know these things supposedly mean nothing, but the scientist in me wants every data point possible.  I can't help feeling that if we actually plotted all of this data on effacement, dilation and eventual delivery, there really would be something useful there.  But Google Scholar showed me nothing useful on the subject.  It's almost like OB's want to study useful things like how to prevent pre-term labor and when induction is appropriate.  My impatient curiosity doesn't seem to be significant enough.

A woman in Target the other day informed me that I have dropped.  She says she used to be a labor and delivery nurse.  I've had a few people telling me this for weeks, but I actually agree with this woman.  The pelvic pressure has been much more severe the past few days.  Apparently I'm -1 station, which I think is what I was last week, but this week I feel it more.

In general, I've done a better job this week of just letting it be.  Embracing our time as a family of three.  I think this was helped by some random contractions about a week ago that were quite painful.  And all of a sudden I remembered, oh yeah, this is kind of going to suck.  In general, if I know something is going to suck I just want to be done with it.  But at that moment I decided it can wait a little longer.

I'm trying not to wish the summer away.  Between the intense heat and just wanting to be done, I'm having a hard time.  I had plans to take MJ to the pool so much this summer.  So far?  Not once.  That sounds super lame.  I'm still working to get the nursery ready, making curtains and sewing a banner.  I love how it's coming along.  Will post pictures soon.  I suspect I will keep working on it until the baby comes, just because I can, and then will call it done whenever she arrives.

My most awkward pregnancy moment of the week.  In the locker room after swim lessons, standing there in my maternity swimsuit with MJ, waiting for the one shower.  A VERY obese woman walks by, looks at me and says "Oy!  I wouldn't want to be you, you look so uncomfortable!"  I smile and say something innocuous, meanwhile thinking "You look way more uncomfortable than I feel."  But then, as the woman waddles away, MJ yells out "Why is she walking like that?  What's wrong with her?"  Thankfully the woman responded by turning around and saying "I have bad knees" because I had not a clue what to say to her at that instant.

I'm not sure what else I have to say.  I'm tired of all the commentary.  I know people are trying to be nice and friendly, but it just gets so old.  I dread the elevator ride, because I always get bombarded.  I'm tired of work, even though the alternative would be staying at home in a hot house.  I'm tired of getting so fatigued by a short walk.  I have to remind myself I'm dragging around an extra 44 lbs of weight, of course that's tiring (and thankfully my weight has plateaued these last weeks.)  Also, thankfully, I got a surge of energy about a week and a half ago.  Nesting, possibly?  Though I don't remember having it with MJ.  But I don't feel nearly as fatigued as I did, and I enjoy having the energy to cook and get stuff done again.  I'm tired of none of my clothes fitting.

I'm tired of the unknown.  DH doesn't understand why I'm making myself so crazy.  The best analogy I can think of is that I've just taken a very long hike, and on top of that I know I need to run a marathon, it's going to start soon, I just don't know when.  But I have to keep hiking until the marathon starts.  So the longer it goes, the more tired I'll be.  Get it?  Probably no.  But that's what I've got.

And then there was my freakout trip to labor and delivery last week.  Because she had decreased dramatically in movement.  And I woke up in the middle of the night, couldn't get her to move, and drove myself to L&D.  Pretty hysterical.  Panicking, probably.  She was totally fine, and she's back to her old level of movement, but that's apparently what late pregnancy does to me.  It's hard for me to accept that a baby who only moves five times in an hour is doing fine, when she generally moves that often in a five minute span. 

So there you have it.  I'm still loving Spacefem's statistics, which tells me I have about a 3% chance of delivering today, which will climb to ~6% per day at the end of the week.  That being said, I have only about a 30% chance of delivering by the end of the week.  But about a 75% chance of delivering in the next two weeks (all of these are non-induced numbers).  The last two weeks has pretty much flown by, so perhaps the next two will as well.

Working? (aka full term)

I had my performance review yesterday.  It was mediocre.  I have been mediocre.  It was also a probationary review, because I started here just over 6 months ago and that's how long my probationary period lasts.  After that I'm fully unionized and, you know, unions.  Love them or hate them, it is true that it's harder to fire a union employee.  So they make sure they like you before it's too hard to fire you.  

So, despite the fact that I’m mediocre and very pregnant and about to leave for several months, they are keeping me.  There was a small part of me that almost wanted them to let me go so that I have an excuse to not be here.  This is probably part of what makes me mediocre.  Also, I’m only here 75% of the time, so I simply don’t get as much done as other folks.  And I’m just not that excited about this job.  It’s good but not great.  I still see the potential for it to get a lot better, and part of the reason it hasn’t been great is just circumstances beyond anyone’s control.  Projects that haven’t gone as planned.  What is great is the hours.  And the flexibility.  It fits in so well with our family.  I feel like I still get to see my daughter a ton, and yet it keeps me sane and keeps my skills up.  Even though I don’t love it, I never dread it, so that’s something.  And, like I said, I keep hoping it will get better. 

It is a new thing to me, though, to be mediocre and be 100% fine with that.  While I’ve been okay with not being the best, I like to do good work and earn awards and accolades.  Now?  I just don’t care.  Does that do a disservice to women in the workplace?  I don’t really know, but it’s something I think about.  I hate to fit the stereotype, but here I am, fitting the stereotype.  Does that bother anyone else?

The other reason I’m mediocre right now, is that I’m just very pregnant.  I’m uncomfortable.  I’m distracted.  I don’t want to start new projects.  I hope that each day at the office will be my last for a long while. 

Things are starting to feel very close.  As I may have mentioned, I have it firmly lodged in my head that I will go early.  I wish I didn’t have this in my head, because I may still have a month (or a little more!) left.  This is, I think, the hardest part of pregnancy.  The discomfort isn’t great, but it doesn’t mess with my head.  The waiting messes with my head.  Each day could be like any other, or could be completely life changing.  If you walked out of your house in the morning and had a 0.5% chance (my current odds of going into labor on any given day) of your life changing in a dramatic, important and permanent way, wouldn’t that be hard to live with?  And what about when it becomes a 5% chance, the odds once I get closer to 40 weeks?  It’s not enough of a chance to plan for, and not enough of a chance to ignore.  That’s where my head’s at. 

I recently found this awesome website:

http://spacefem.com/pregnant/charts/duedate0.php

If you are as obsessed with labor statistics as I am at this moment, check it out.  This woman has a simple survey to compile statistics, and currently has over 2300 respondents.  Although there are some statistical issues with this method, there are with any method, and as her number of respondents goes up I think it becomes a more and more powerful tool.  Among the more interesting parts is her finding that second time moms actually go into labor, on average, later than they did with their first.  This means I would go into labor close to 41 weeks, not early. 

I pulled out my birth books the other day.  I read through MJ’s birth story.  That’s the first time I’ve read it in a long, long time and I came away feeling a lot more upbeat about the whole thing.  I forgot how low her heartrate got.  I forgot how much distress she was in.  One thing I have decided is that puking was the worst part of labor, not pain.  I avoided anti-nausea medications last time, because I didn’t want meds, and this time I’ve decided I’ll do whatever I can to avoid the nausea, because that’s what put me over the edge. 

I’ve also started to become a bit nervous about my water breaking unexpectedly.  It’s fairly rare (~10%) for your water to break before labor begins, but that’s what actually started my labor last time.  It may have been a random occurrence, or it may be how I labor.  I won’t know until it happens, and I’m hoping it won’t happen in public.  In addition, once my water broke, my labor was on.  So I’m nervous that I’ll get stuck somewhere, with hubs working an hour away in the middle of a long shift he can’t just leave, me with MJ and in so much pain I can’t drive.  These are the things I fret about. 

My mom visited for the past week and left yesterday.  It was so nice to have her here.  The help and the distraction were much appreciated.  We got the nursery ~85% complete; I’m excited to post pictures but want to wait until it’s done.  So you may have to wait for some finishing touches. 

And now that my Mom has left MJ must just deal with me.  I’m just a lump these days, and I feel bad for her.  Yesterday I tried to take MJ and Vito for a walk.  I seriously made it two blocks and nearly cried in pain.  Round ligament pain, I think.  I had to sit down on some random guy’s lawn to collect myself, then hobbled back home with dog and toddler, barely containing myself.  I’m sure that most people who saw me thought I was having contractions, because I am that pregnant and was clearly in that much pain.  But what kind of crazy person would take their toddler and dog for a walk while having contractions?  So my abilities are severely limited right now.  My legs feel restless from lack of activity, but the rest of my body just can’t handle it. 

Also, lots of cramping this week, but no real contractions.  At my midwife appointment yesterday I was 4-5 cm dilated at the outside and 1-2 on the inside (so essentially 1-2 cm).  It’s nice to know that all this pain is at least getting me somewhere and accomplishing something.  Up 43 pounds.  Down a lot of sleep.  It happened suddenly, but starting about 5 days ago sleep got really, really crappy.  I have discovered, though, that since the weather cooled down I can deal with this pregnancy thing a lot better.  Just trying to take it one day at a time.  One week at a time.  One midwife appointment at a time.  Trying very hard not to wish this time away, because I know full well how precious it is.  Like I said, it’s just the not knowing.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate this time, but the suspense is sometimes too much.  Coupled with the discomfort. 

I guess that belly is a bit low

36 weeks, 2 days

36 weeks.

I should start this post by saying that I won't be offended if you want to step away from my blog for the next few weeks.  I know I'm being whiny.  I know deep down that I'm lucky and my discomforts are minor and temporary.  But this is my blog, and therefore this is where I whine.

Today's appointment was an odd one, mostly because it was the first one I've taken MJ to.  And because I had an internal exam that I forgot about.  I always try to shower for those.  Oops.

The appointment started with me peeing in a cup.  I find it odd that my midwife practice makes me do this at every appointment.  Is this normal for other folks?  During MJ's pregnancy (in a completely different office) I remember maybe once or twice being checked for protein.  I can't help but think this is just a ratcheting up of health care costs with unnecessary tests.

MJ was pretty fascinated by the concept of peeing in a cup.  She was only willing to go potty afterwards if I promised her that she did not have to pee in a cup.

The exam was fine, and thankfully MJ listened and sat in the chair (next to my head) for the actual exam.  I'm not too worried about traumatizing her, but I'm certain she would share whatever she learned with anyone who will listen at the 4th of July party, thus traumatizing me.  Mostly she just liked that it was an actual doctor's office, with an examining table, stethoscope, etc., just like in her books.

I'm up 41.5 pounds, which is half a pound in the last two weeks.  A much more respectable weight gain than the rest of my pregnancy, thankfully.  Furthermore, I'm 75% effaced and "baby is really low".  The midwife didn't use any words like engaged, etc., but kept reiterating that she was really low, asking if I felt like she was low.  I have been wondering this, given the random (and crippling) shooting pains in my pelvis.  It doesn't really feel like she dropped, because my belly seems to be in the same place.  But hearing this makes me at least feel like I'm not crazy for feeling like I'm so close.  I realize that these numbers don't really mean anything, I could still deliver at 42 weeks, but that's progress I don't have to worry about making later.

I am entering the bitching stage of pregnancy (I may have been in it for a while).  I am not a glowing pregnant lady.  Until recently I've at least been a happy pregnant lady, but I'm past that, too.  I've been whining a lot.  And grumbling a lot.  About the heat.  About pelvic pain.  About peeing ALLTHETIME.  About round ligament pain, which is much worse than last time around.  Probably because I had so much back and hip pain I was largely immobile (in that I simply didn't move) and didn't have the opportunity for the weight of my belly to be a problem.

I know this is nature's way of making us glad for the approaching discomfort that is labor and having a newborn.  When labor was done last time, I recall thinking how much better that was than pregnancy.  Having a newborn seemed so much more pleasant than being pregnant.  But labor and newbornhood is tough, so late pregnancy HAS to suck this much or we wouldn't feel this way.

I've discussed this theory of mine with other women.  I don't think most of them agree.

In other news, our mice are back.  Aren't they supposed to be living outside in the Minnesota summer while they can?  Also, our dining room lights no longer work and our third floor shower leaks into my daughter's bedroom.  I love having a 109 year old house.

(almost) 96 degrees and (almost) 36 weeks

Top ten things about being really pregnant when it's really hot.
1) swollen feet can only fit in flip flops anyway.
2) ice cream. All the time.
3) not only do I not have the energy to cook, but it's simply too hot. Two birds, one stone.
4) knowing that strapping a newborn to my chest would probably be even hotter. Enjoy it while it lasts.
5) swimming cools you off and makes you feel weightless. Bird, stone.
6) ice cream. All the time.
7) toddlers are usually willing to pick up everything off the floor that I can no longer reach. (not relevant but whatevs)
8) I'm having a really hard time thinking of ten things.
9) you'd be peeing a lot from all the water you have to ingest anyway? Bird, stone.
10) no need to wear pants. Ever.
This and two and six are really the only ones that count.

When you least expect it.

I have about five posts stewing in my head (or more, we'll find out when this is done), but not the motivation or time to write them all.  So here is your brain dump.  Read it quick so it doesn't attract flies.  They are not in order of importance.  I think you'll know what I mean.

1.  Of course, top on my mind is 35 WEEKS.




Apparently I was too busy trying to snap a quick picture in the work restroom without looking like a creep to remember to smile.  I'll make this quick.  Up 41 pounds.  Sleeping well but require 5 pillows and our poor pup is banned upstairs because he was waking me up too much.  The heat wipes me out, but now that I've accepted that I get very little done when it's hot (or, really, ever) things seem much better.  I get random, crippling muscle pains for a day or two then things return to normal.

2.  Monday was our 7th anniversary.  I finally replaced the hubs wedding ring, which he lost over 4 years ago.  I was able to get a ring that looks like just like his original wedding band (which was pretty unique to begin with).  I was psyched.  As for the anniversary, it was low key and very much representative of our life right now.  Dinner with MJ.  Ate some cake on our front porch.  Chatted with our neighbor.  You, internet, don't get to hear me gush about this guy, he got that in a card I wrote him.  But I will tell you this.  I am a lucky, lucky girl.  I found myself a good man.  I marvel at the ride we've been on, and everything waiting for us in the future.  I marvel at the life we've built.  The family we've made. 

3.  Monday was also the day that I found a guy I used to date had died.  Apparently I don't read the newspaper or ever look at Facebook, because if I did I would have figured this out three years ago.  He died three years ago.  And I never knew.  We had always kept somewhat in touch.  We had exchanged a few emails a couple months before he died.  I had even glanced at his Facebook page a couple times, but figured he never updated it and apparently never read the comments.  Does anyone else ever think about old boyfriends?  Wonder what they're up to?  Every time he flashed into my mind I figured he was probably married.  Had kids.  I hoped he was happy.  And then I found out that the whole time he'd been dead.  Honestly, I was a total mess.  Here's his obituary:  http://www.arlingtoncemetery.net/mpgraziano.htm.  On top of it all, it was our anniversary, a horrible time to mourn the loss of someone else you used to date.  Particularly because... it's complicated.  We dated when DH and I were on a break, seeing other people.  Anyway.  That's almost certainly more than you need to know, internet.  But I do feel the need to write it out.  He was such a nice guy, and he should be off having babies and building ridiculous contraptions.  Also, his mom shouldn't have to experience this.  She just shouldn't.  I know she went through it 3 years ago, but in my mind everyone is just now finding out about this.  It sucks, basically.

4.  The real world has been hitting me hard this week.  DH works in a job where he experiences little children drowning.  I work in a job where I have to hope that mines built now won't pollute the environment for 2,000 years, as some old Roman mines still do.  30 year olds die in plane crashes.  Lots of gun violence in St. Paul this year, I'm tired of hearing about shootings.

5.  In an effort not to dwell on bad things, I'll tell you some of the good things.  We're having a baby soon, have I mentioned that?  MJ is amazing (I think she'll get her own post).  Some kind soul told me I look cute today.  There are lots of annoying things that people say to pregnant women, but telling them they look cute has got to be one of the kindest.  If you're ever at a loss for what to say to a pregnant lady?  Tell them they look cute.  It will likely make their day.  Also?  We met a family at a restaurant the other night who may just be our parent soul mates.  I felt a little like I was flirting, or something.  Their daughter is 3 days older than MJ, and the two of them became instant friends and started running around the restaurant like crazy people.  She is pregnant (not the daughter) and due any day now.  So we shyly exchanged digits, and we'll see what comes of it.  It's weird to pick-up on other parents, but the skills are just the same.

6.  I meant to talk, somewhere in here, about work.  That may still get its own post.  I'm guessing it says something about me that I now find work the least interesting part of my day.  I have become a subpar employee, at least compared to my earlier work ethic.  I now just don't care as much.  There is more to say here, but I've been yawning for at least the past 3 bullets, so it is bed time.

Round Two

Today I am 34 weeks.  That sounds unbelievably close to the end.  It doesn't feel that close, but it sounds like it.  Time has slowed down.  Up until about 32 weeks, this pregnancy sped by.  I felt wonderful, I enjoyed being pregnant and I looked forward to what was to come.

Now I'm starting to feel some dread.  I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.  The heat is largely responsible.  And not being able to bend over.  Those two characteristics are responsible for most of the negative feelings I'm currently having towards being pregnant.  Last night, with the thermometer still hovering at ~90 degrees, I left the comfort of our air conditioned family room to the non-air conditioned kitchen.  I made myself a rootbeer float, the entire time thinking

"I am dying.  I am dying.  I am dying."

I knew, somewhere deep down, that this wasn't true.  But the heat seems to take away any capacity I have for rational thought.  Our 109 year old house has radiator heat, so there is no easy way to install central air.  We have a little room unit for MJ's room, my room, and our family room.  If MJ was content to stay in one of these areas my job would be easier, but she is not.  So I try to play along and be a rational human being, but it seems I am unable.

The other dread I'm starting to feel is about having a newborn.   If you've read this blog for a while, you'll know that this is a very wanted baby.  A very longed for baby.  A very tried for baby.  But I still feel a little dread.  Last time around, I felt much more dread.  I didn't like babies.  I didn't even like little kids, and figured they'd be pretty uninteresting until they were about 10.  In reality, I really enjoyed having a newborn; MJ was an easy newborn, it's just the other 2.5 years that she's been not so easy, but totally interesting.  So while I have a more firm understanding of the upsides, I also have a more firm understanding of the downsides.

I also have some fear about some of the things I feel committed to.  Last time I was committed to natural birth and breastfeeding.  I didn't do real great at either of them.  So this time around, I find myself even more committed.  From reading other mom blogs, I feel like a bit of a rarity on those fronts.  It seems like those moms who had c-sections last time had a scheduled c-section this time.  Those who had trouble breast feeding seem to not be doing it at all this time, or to be not as insistent that it will work. Instead, I find myself thinking I've learned from my mistakes and will definitely do better this time.  Am I setting myself up for even more failure and disappointment?  Having committed to a VBAC, I'm slightly terrified of failing at it.

The saving grace through all of this, is a better understanding that none of it matters as much as it seems to at the time.  MJ's birth experience and my breast feeding prowess don't define our relationship.  Despite what brochures at the pediatricians office tell you, there are other, far more important, aspects to the person she is becoming.  Do they play a role?  Probably.  I don't want to fully downplay their significance, but I think that part of the reason women play up their significance so much is that they are so damn hard.  So if they're that hard, they must matter a lot, right?  Otherwise, why bother?

To me, the reason they matter has more to do with insurance purposes.  We all pay a lot for insurance, but how often do we really use it?  How often does it matter?  For most people, not much, but if you need it you're sure glad you have it.  Similarly, the reason to avoid a c-section is not so much about the birth experience but about those rare bad outcomes.  The reason to breastfeed is that the antibodies might save your kid from a life threatening illness.  There are other, touchy feely reasons, but it's not like those touchy feely moments don't exist if you give your kid a bottle.  It's not like you're not ecstatic to meet your baby even if they don't come through your vagina.

So anyway, yes, I'm committed, but no, in the end it probably won't matter that much.  Ask me in two months time how that's working out for me.

Welcome, summer.

I wrote a post a week ago and never posted it.  And that was about a week later than I had intended to post something.  So I'm a bit behind.

Here I sit at 33.28 weeks.  With a photo from 32.86 weeks.  Having not written since 31 weeks.

I have finally gotten.... tired.  It hit pretty suddenly, I think.  I knew I'd been slowing down, in the sense that I wasn't walking as much as I used to because my hips hurt at some point.  But last week I realized that I couldn't do everything I wanted to (i.e. couldn't get everything done that I wanted to because I felt like crap when I did.  If I didn't stop myself and force myself to just sit down and rest, I would get so tired I felt like passing out.)

Part of it, undoubtedly, is that summer hit last weekend.  The temperatures got into the 90's, and I became an uber bitch.  I realized that the heat just puts me over the edge.  Usually I can deal with one thing well, two things start to get rough and three is when I become bitchy.  Being 33 weeks pregnant, I'm already dealing with one thing.  So if MJ gets whiny I am less patient than usual.  But if it's hot, and MJ gets whiny, I'm just a terrible person.  I didn't realize this until the end of the weekend, so I spent much of the weekend being super bitch.  Next time I may just insist on A/C and then those around me will be better off all around.

 I am looking very pregnant these days (see above if you need confirmation).  Everybody stares now, and looks like they want to strike up a conversation.  This is most common on the elevator.  Out of the corner of my eye, I can see the person next to me staring, looking like they want to say something.  Because everyone wants to know.  You're the automatic conversation starter.  "When are you due?  What are you having?  How are you feeling?"  No one can resist, so they stare, waiting for an opening to strike up a conversation, and I try to stay absorbed in my own world so I don't have to have the same conversation 8 times a day.

I love the question "Are you going to work right up until you deliver?"  The alternative, when you have a toddler, is to not work and to stay home, presumably with your toddler.  And I guarantee that chasing a toddler at 40 weeks pregnant sounds way more exhausting than sitting at my desk all day.  So yes, I will "work" until the end, unless that no longer sounds doable.  I made it clear to DH this week that I am going to be needing more help.  That I will be doing less around the house.  I think he is starting to get it.

Let's see, other things pregnancy related.  32 week appointment (last week) went well.  Nothing to report.  I was up 36 pounds but haven't weighed myself since.  We met with our doula last week, which felt very productive.  It got us thinking about all the delivery things again.  By this point in last pregnancy I was obsessively reading books about labor and delivery.  A lot of Ina May Gaskin was happening.  And this time, I'm just not really thinking about it.  Avoidance, maybe?  I'm not sure that all of that focus did me much good last time, so perhaps a more relaxed attitude will be a good thing.  Sleep has become... intermittent.  I've been spending more nights in the guest room bed, because all the tossing and turning of the dog and the hubs seems to keep me awake these days.  I sleep well when I sleep by myself, but I think anything that wakes me up even a little bit reminds me that I have to pee and sends me to the bathroom.

The nursery still isn't complete, mainly because I've been busy?  Distracted?  Lazy?  Probably all of those adjectives work.  I get a little obsessive about planning the nursery.  It's probably my favorite baby planning activity.

This week I drove up to the Iron Range for a two day work trip. 

I spent a lot of time looking at mines.  It's something I find fascinating, particularly in person.  I struggled to take pictures that could capture the scale of these mines.  I didn't really succeed.  The pit in this pictures is about a mile across and 600 feet deep.  And man made.  I find these things beautiful, in a totally weird sort of way.  It was a great trip, but made for a busy week.

 Then I returned and landed myself at the OB's office due to uterine cramping.  After being totally freaked out, and doing some testing, we decided it was from all the "off-roading" I did driving around these mines.  All is fine, the muscle cramps have mostly gone away, and little girl is kicking away.

A friend of mine, whose due date was two days after mine, had her little boy this week.  All seems to be well, but it was very sobering to me.  It was also fascinating to see how "normal" he looks.  There's a full-fledged baby in there, something I can't really wrap my head around, despite having been through this before.

Here ya go...

As I promised, a couple pictures...

Travel and gestation.

 

The title pretty much sums up my current experience.  Last week I spent in Ottawa.  I don't have many pictures of that (other than one in my Twitter feed) because I spent my whole time in talks and seminars, and catching up on sleep.  It was pretty awesome.  When I first discovered I would need to go on this trip (for work) I was kind of bummed.  Five days away, more than I've been away from MJ for her entire life  But as the day approached, I realized how exhausted I was, and how much five days away would be appreciated.  And the work aspect was pretty good, too.

8 hours after arriving back in Minnesota, we left for a trip to Madeline Island.  We went with some friends, and really had a nice time.  I planned the trip and convinced others to join, so I felt somewhat responsible for the crappy weather we experienced.  Nothing that could have been predicted, and we still had a nice time, but less outside time than I had hoped.  We have one more trip planned to a friends cabin in a few weeks, and then we hunker down.

31 weeks today.  35 pounds gained.  Although I spent my early pregnancy stressed about weight gain, I have now given up.  I have been active, eating fairly well, but my body just likes to gain weight.  And the thing I was most worried about, becoming incredibly uncomfortable, has not happened.  I still feel very good at 31 weeks.  I can still go for somewhat long walks.  Although I can tell I'm starting to slow down, I'm feeling so much better than I did last pregnancy that I'm just going to roll with the next couple months. 

I did invest in some more maternity clothes.  I realized what a scrub I looked like at work and decided I needed to fix it.  I just didn't even feel good in my own skin.  I tried to invest in things that were non-maternity and which I can wear post-maternity, we'll see if it works like I plan. 

Everything else has been going well.  Movement has been intense.  MJ is still excited, though tonight we had a conversation about the downsides of her future sister.  I pointed out that her sister will sometimes steal her toys and argue with her.  So MJ got down next to my belly and whispered "Please, please don't steal my toys.  Please?  Please?"  She likes to take her sister's pajamas and dress her babies in them. 

After spending the weekend with a (very cute) four-month old we had a healthy reminder of what we're in for.  Going back to feeding and changing round the clock, as well as very little sleep, will be hard.  We're finally getting to a point of independence with MJ (did I mention her dad potty trained her while I was in Ottawa?), and then we go back to square one.  I'm still excited, but I've resolved to really enjoy the next 2 months. 

Edit:  If you hadn't noticed, there are some pictures up there that aren't showing up.  They're on my home computer, so for now you'll just have to hold your horses.  Will repost them soon.

On the move

Taken at 28 weeks 3 days

 29 weeks.

Due Date: 1 August.  2.5 months away.

Weight Gain:  32 lbs!

I think my midwife must be bad at math, because at my appointment the other day she said "22 pounds!  Right on track!"  I didn't correct her.

Symptoms:  Tired.  Always somewhat hungry, often ravenously hungry.  I know I don't want to gain more.  I know to tone it down.  But it doesn't seem to be working.  Did I mention tired?  The fatigue hit this week.  I know part of it is that DH has been working a ton, so it has just been MJ and I.  But I feel bad because by the end of the evening I have little energy for anything.  I'm short with MJ.  I haven't been cooking, or even really cleaning, because the effort doesn't feel worthwhile.  Too soon to be feeling this way!

What's different this time:  Much less pain than last time around.

Diet/Cravings/Aversions: Food.  All the time.

Sleep:   I've been sleeping well but am still so tired....

I am loving:  My time with MJ.  Trying to soak in having her all to myself.  Knowing she will never get our undivided attention again, I love just spending mother daughter time with her. 

I miss:  I saw a photo of myself.  I know logically it wasn't even during a particularly thin spell, but it looked amazing.  I hope I can look like that again.

 

I am looking forward to: Lots of trips.  We were in Chicago last weekend.  On Saturday I leave for a work trip for FIVE DAYS!  This will be the longest I've been away from MJ.  At first I was really sad about it, but now I'm really looking forward to it.  It sounds relaxing, even though I know I'll be working a lot while I'm there.  It will also be my last solo trip for, likely, a very long time.  And given how impatient I've been with my darling child, it will be good for her to have some one-on-one dad time.  Then I come back from that and leave the next day for Madeline Island.  Part of why I've planned all these is knowing I'll soon be stuck at home, sequestered from the public, unable to travel.  Trying to get it out of my system while I can, so that I'm happy to be home and tired of traveling.

I'm spazzing about:  Nothing in particular.  I finished the crib.  I washed and put away baby clothes and diapers.  I have much of what NEEDS to be done finished.  I'll be ordering a recliner this week, and finishing up final touches once this bout of traveling is done.

Milestones/Progress: Nothing much.  Had my gestational diabetes test the other day, and am assuming no news is good news.  Got my rhogam shot.  Pre-registered for the hospital. 

Movement: Big movements, though less frequent.  Definitely a lopsided belly.  MJ's butt always stuck out on the right side, and it seems that side is sticking out this time too.  Maybe she stretched it out for her sister?  At any rate, all the movement comes on the right side and that is the side that I see move as well.

It's a...: Girl.  The name is still undecided, so those of you who have gotten names from MJ, they don't mean much yet :) 

Exercise:  I've been getting a lot of steps in (at least compared to before) but I am getting more and more tired doing it.  I figure I have to keep doing it, though, so I don't become too lazy...

First born:  I got MJ some books about having a baby sister around and she is SO in love with them.  One is this book contained in a collection of stories by Eloise Wilkin that my mom got her.  It is all about a little girl who has a baby that she takes care of while her mom takes care of her new little sister.  MJ is constantly asking me to read it to her, and is clearly dreaming of when she gets to do the same.  I think her maternal instinct is stronger than mine.  Another little girl at daycare has a new baby sister, a few months old, and MJ is constantly asking her questions about her sister, and why she does certain things (why is she crying?  Does she want her nuk?  etc.)  She actually seems to be preparing for being a big sister, which is fascinating.  She has told me how she will bounce her and rock her when she cries.  How she will always make sure she is buckled into her car seat.  It all makes me wonder if having a first born who's a girl is easier than having a first born who's a boy.  I have yet to meet a boy child who cares about another baby arriving, but little girls seem to relish the thought.

She did recently ask me how baby gets out.  I didn't know how to answer that one, but I'm sure I'll have to revisit it.  Especially since she might be around when I go into labor, I'd like to prepare her for the process.

All About MJ

This last weekend the fam had our first visit to Chicago.  It was a nice getaway, and our first family trip in quite a while.  It was also a reminder that, although the Twin Cities are a "big" city, they are not big in the way that some places are.  All in all, while nice to visit, I'm glad to have our small city to come home to.

It was also a weekend in which I started to come to terms with the fact that MJ is becoming a three year old.  It started exactly two weeks ago today.  At first I attributed it to poor sleeping.  While I still think poor sleeping plays a role in some of her poor behavior, I am starting to think this is an age thing.  Having never had a three year old before, it took me a while to notice the symptoms.  But it took the eloquent words of Dooce to give me the "aha" moment....  A few of the symptoms:

1.  Foot stomping when I deny a dinner of ice cream.

2.  A default to whiny voice.  This is probably the one I have the least patience with.

3.  Daily tantrums.  Less fulfilling than my word of the day emails.

While visiting Chicago, we went to the aquarium.  I used to love aquariums, but I am coming to despise them.  I think we've taken MJ to 3 or 4 aquariums in her short life.  They always seem like a good kid activity that is also interesting to adults.  Win win all around!  Only not, because they are always disastrous.  I have thought that perhaps it is coincidental, but I am starting to think it is not.  It is simply too much to expect this kid to enjoy things that she cannot directly participate in.  And aquariums are most definitely not participatory.  You are expected to just watch.  No running?  No hands in the water?  No licking the glass?  No.  No.  No.  

Her tantrums have become... intense.  As everything with this kid has been, I expect "three" will be extreme.  I think it is particularly hard because 2 has been such a magical age.  It started almost exactly a year ago.  She has been sweet, and curious, and joyous and everything I could want in a kid.  She is still a great kid, but now she has such strong opinions!  About the way things should be!  Like the right way to get to the grocery store!  "It's not this way mom!"  About where Baby should be put for the night!

So that was our weekend.  And then I came home to, among other things, a very sad blog roll.  It seems there is much tragedy in some of the blogs I have been following.  It makes all these concerns seem so petty.  And they are.  But you know what?  We, as humans, are designed to dwell in the petty.  You cannot live every day immersed in drama and trauma, on the edge of your seat.  It's not good for you.  It's okay to feel petty things sometimes, because otherwise we would only be feeling big and important things, and that is simply exhausting.  So I'll just appreciate that I get to feel petty things for the time being, and feel lucky I am not feeling important things right now.

But this girl?  She is still amazing.  And hilarious.  My favorite comment of the trip occurred when we reached altitude.  I told her we were in the air now, and she looked out the window at all the tiny houses (we weren't very high, it was a short flight).  And she looked around on the plane.  And then asked "Why isn't everybody flapping their arms?" 

She is also at the age where she busts out embarrassing comments and questions at every turn.  

"Is that a baby?"

"No Mj, I think he's about your age"

"Then why does he have a nuk?  Only babies have nuks.  He shouldn't have a nuk."

I'm certain his Mom heard my daughter criticize her parenting.  

A favorite is her asking me the name of everyone that walks by our house.  Often it is a neighbor, whose name I should know but don't.  And so I cowardly pretend I didn't understand her toddler speak, until she yells it so loud that everyone can hear it, certainly most can understand it, and possibly put together the awkwardness that is happening.

Or when she asks me, loudly in public, "Did that woman poop on the potty?  She has cake" because we have been so desperate in our attempts to bribe her to poop on the potty that we have even offered cake as an exchange.

This girl is amazing.  Here are some pictures of the past month or two to prove it.

New Life

26 weeks, 4 days (can I round up to 27?)

Due Date: 1 August.  3 months from today.

Weight Gain:  28 lbs!

Did you read that?  Being as 25 to 35 lbs is the recommended weight gain amount, in an ideal world I would be full term right now.  But I'm not.  I've already gained what I'm supposed to and still have 3 more months to go.  Needless to say, I'm nervous about how much more I will inevitably gain (and need to lose).

Symptoms:  Some mild aches and pains but nothing like last pregnancy.  I can tell, though, that I'm starting to get into third trimester.  I'm starting to get worn out much more easily.  Getting up is a bit of a struggle, and my motivation is beginning to tank.  But still quite a lot to do. 

What's different this time:  Much less pain than last time around.

Diet/Cravings/Aversions: Craving lots of sweets.  That's not necessarily unusual, the need seems more urgent now, though.

Sleep:   Not quality.  I've been getting a lot of it but still not feeling rejuvenated.  I blame part of this on our dog, who insists on sleeping under the covers but then gets too hot and gets out of the bed.  Then gets cold and goes back under the covers, repeat, all night long.  When you're not sleeping well already it certainly doesn't help.

I am loving:  The weather.  Today I worked in the garden and planted some plants, and MJ loved digging around in the dirt.  As for pregnancy, still just loving the movement.  It's such a comforting presence, a little reminder of something amazing happening even at the most mundane of times.

I miss:  Being comfortable in clothes.  I'm down to one pair of comfortable pants, and most of my shirts are too short.

 

I am looking forward to: Finishing the nursery.  Still a lot to do on it, though.

I'm spazzing about:  Getting everything done!  Thankfully we got some of the big stuff done, like doing the taxes, getting a new car and assembling some furniture.  The remainder is mostly the little stuff, like digging out all the baby stuff and making sure everything's washed.  Though we do have a car to sell, too.

Milestones/Progress: Viability!  Although there's no definitive date when this happens, over 90% of babies born at 26 to 27 weeks of age survive.  So it's nice to know I'm in that window.  Which isn't to say I want the baby to come now.  Also, depending how you define your trimesters, I'm now in third trimester (being as I have exactly 3 months left....).  And baby is now about the size of a cauliflower.

Movement:  Lots of it.  DH can now feel it fairly easily.  MJ still hasn't, but that's mostly because she is incapable of sitting still for more than 2 seconds, and usually you have to rest your hand for longer than that before you feel something.

It's a...: Girl.  The name is still undecided, so those of you who have gotten names from MJ, they don't mean much yet :) 

Exercise:  Lots of walking.  It's been beautiful outside, definitely trying to take advantage.

First born: Amazing, as usual.  She's been starting to develop a sense of humor, which is thoroughly entertaining to watch.  Her jokes make absolutely no sense, but her hysterical laughter is impossible not to laugh at.  Furthermore, she is intent on understanding the jokes made around her.  If someone laughs at a joke, she will laugh along, and then try to find out what was funny. 

She's still fixated on her sister.  She has explained to me how she will protect her, and help her, and put her to sleep, etc.  If she is half the sister she intends to be she will be amazing. 

In other categories of new life, these baby birds are new residents of our front porch:

When we moved in last year there were two nests on our front porch complete with lots of bird poop underneath.  The birds moved out when we moved in (the house had been empty before) and we intended to bring the nests inside over the winter, when anything else living in the nests would be killed by the cold.  But we forgot.  And one family moved back in this spring.

After watching the birds sit on the nest with MJ, I started to grow attached.  We peeked inside two weeks ago and saw four tiny eggs.  Today when we peeked inside there were no more eggs, but tiny new residents.  MJ was ecstatic.   The bird poop seems a small price to pay.  It's also a nice reminder that VERY new life is often kind of grotesque looking, as these naked little birds were.  Much like newborn babies.  It takes some time for them to fluff up and plump out before they look cute.